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 The UnUnited Kingdoms as they were at the time of Jennifer Strange |
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Below you will find rough details of the twenty-eight nations that made up the unUnited Kingdoms as Jennifer Strange knew them. Note: Internal conflict, change of leadership and coups, wars, and press boredom all tend to change the details of the unUK's boundaries. Since time of writing, the unUK now has two additional nations, and has lost one. It's hard to keep up with it all, to be honest. Anyway, here they are. You can read them in order, strain your eyes on the squitty picture above trying to figure which number is which, or jump to any nation that takes your fancy: 1: Kingdom of Hereford 2: Kingdom of Shropshire 3: Anglesey 4: Snowdonia. 5: The Cambrian Empire 6: Duchy of Brecon 7: The Gower Principality 8: The Worker's Republic of South Wales 9: Kingdom of Cornwall 10: Duchy of Portland Bill 11: Isle of Wight 12: National Trust Property 13: Financia. 14: Liverpudlian City-State of Liverpool and Bootle. 15: Trollvania. 16: Mausoleum. 17: Constuffia PLC 18: The Glorious Republic of the Isle of Man 19: Kingdom of Kent 20: Kingdom of Anglia 21: Duchy of King's Lynn 22: Duchy of Cambridge 23: Duchy of Cotswold 24: Kingdom of Wessex 25: Kingdom of Cumbria 26: University City-State of Oxfordia 27: Kingdom of Mercia 28: Popular Reenactment Kingdom of Midlandia. Where's Where 1: Kingdom of Hereford Return to List Originally a Marcher Lordship, it was upgraded to 'Kingdom' status in 1428, and, along with Shropshire, is one of the oldest Kingdoms still with more or less the same boundaries that it had during the Dragonpact of 1607. Ruled over by the Snodd Dynasty since 1867, the current King Snodd IV is considered 'moderate' in that he rarely, if ever puts anyone to death without good reason, and is relatively lenient on wrongdoers. One of only three territories originally named in the Dragonpact, Hereford remains militaristic, with the third largest standing army, and the biggest squadron of Landships. Media pundits often state that King Snodd has an eye for conquests in Wales, pointing to the recent annexation of the Principality of Monmouth. King Snodd is married to Queen Mimosa (nee Jones, ex-sorceress) and has two children and a Useless Brother who is often implicated in dodgy dealings. Chief Export: Military Hardware, most notably the Landship, chief weapon against the trolls, and built by Snodd Heavy Industries, situated to the South of the city on the Rotherwas Estate. Population: 700,000 Head of State: His Royal Highness, King Snodd IV 'He who people generally obey' Where's Where 2: Kingdom of Shropshire. Return to List Like the Kingdom of Hereford, the Kingdom of Shropshire has remained more or less unchanged since the fifteenth century, and has yet to gain electricity and flush toilets. Technology has been banned and visitors are required by law to leave all electronic and mechanical 'wizardry' at the borders when visiting. Cars are not permitted, but steam trains are, and they - like everything in the kingdom - are always on time due to the personal involvement of Queen Isabella 'the Punctual', who personally runs the rail network. An indication of the absurd levels to which the citizens obsess about punctuality was when a businessman competing for the coveted 'Mr Punctual' competition arrived at a randomly timed business meeting .782 seconds late, and came third. Chief Export: Corporate Managers and accountants. Population: 460,000 Head of State: Her Royal Highness Queen Isabella 'the Punctual' Where's Where 3: Anglesey Return to List The Island of Anglesey is a Religious Dependency, either meaning the citizens are dependent upon religion, or the Nation is somehow dependent upon a larger religious nation that no-one quite knows about. In any event, the citizens of Anglesey all belong to austere religious orders committed to prayer and uncovering greater theological truths. The 3,500 nuns and monks who make up the Dependency have recently all taken a vow of celibacy which casts the future of the small island-nation in doubt. Discussions about population sustainability has been unproductive due to a vow of silence. Chief Export: Honey and Spaniels, but mostly Spaniels. Population: 5,000 Head of State: His Ultra Holiness Grand Abbot Brian Fleagle-Drooper VXVILI, 'The not very good at Roman Numerals' Where's Where 4: Snowdonia. Return to List This Kingdom with its snowy crags, thunderous mountain streams and glorious vistas has been the tourism capital of the unUK for almost two centuries, and derives 92% of its GDP from guest-houses and bootleg Kendall Mint Cake. Mostly Welsh speaking, the Kingdom has no standing army and relies instead on isolation for protection and the fact that no-one would ever want to fight a war somewhere so beautiful. Ruled by Prince Llewelyn XXII, the nation has recently declared that one bedroom in every private house 'be given over for the purposes of paying guests'. Chief Export: Picture postcards Population: 820,000 (1.2M extra during Summer or on Winter breaks) Head of State: Prince Llewelyn XXI 'The next to last' Where's Where 5: The Cambrian Empire. Return to List The clearly insane Cambrian Potentate Augustus Tharv 'The Bountiful' has ruled over the ramshackle Mid-Wales territory since he gained power in 1962. With no clear economy, currency, government and utterly bereft of any supermarket chains or broadband, the Potentate is held together by a series of Warlords within the rugged countryside, all of whom who pay tribute to the Potentate twice yearly. Despite the lawless nature of the administration, visitors are shockingly well-treated, and the crime figures of the nation are the lowest in the unUK. The last murder occurred in Tregaron in 1976, and there are only seven recorded thefts a year, mostly by tourists. Chief Export: Raw Marzoleum, bricks and enzymes Population: Thought to be under 250,000 Head of State: Augustus Tharv 'The Bountiful' Where's Where 6: Duchy of Brecon. Return to List Ruled over by the Duke of Brecon, the diminutive Duchy is the smallest to have any significant political clout within the unUK, quite possibly due to the fact that it is behind the Maltcassion dragonlands and thus away from King Snodd's grasp. With a standing army comprising 36% of its small population, the Duchy is statistically the most warlike nation, yet considers its position defensive. The Duchy shares a ten-mile border with the Kingdom of Hereford, and they often lob shells at one another 'just for fun'. Despite being highly impoverished, the Duchy commands huge loyalty from its citizens, and emigration is rare. Their small income is made from refining Almondoleum, one of the chief products of the Marzipan trade. Chief Export: Refined Almondoleum Population: 320,000 Head of State: The 14th Duke of Brecon. Where's Where 7: The Gower Principality Return to List A small state of less than six thousand people, mostly dependent upon the neighbouring Worker's Republic. Ruled over by a group of nine Elders know as the 'Nine Elders', the peninsula is noted for its beaches, coastal walks and ice-cream. The residents live in tents known as 'Millets' Chief Export: Sand and Tourism. Population: 926 out of season, 340,000 in season. Head of State: Nine Elders, known collectively as the 'Nine Elders' Last known quantity of elders within the 'Nine Elders': Nine. Where's Where 8: The Worker's Republic of South Wales Return to List Run along strictly Socialist lines, the highly successful industrial heartland of the unUK derives almost all its wealth from steel, Coal, singing, and more recently, Marzipan mining. With the third-largest economy in the unUK, recent moves from within to have the nation turned into a democracy have been met by fierce opposition from the politburo. The Republic boasts the highest level of healthcare, the lowest income tax and highest number of public holidays. It hopes one day to bring the industrial accident rate down, which is currently the highest in the unUK. Statistically speaking, the average number of fingers per person in the Republic is 6.4, although the Politburo has recently set a target to lower this to 7.5 by 2020. Chief Export: Steel, Tenors, and Rugby players Population: 1.8M Head of State: Socialist Politburo, represented by Noted Comrade George Where's Where 9: Kingdom of Cornwall. Return to List Ruled over by Poldark IX, the craggy peninsula exports china clay and extremely popular television series. Having vanquished their sworn enemy of Devon after a bloody eight year conflict in the early twentieth century, the Cornish Kingdom has spent the intervening years attempting to subdue a revolt in the East, led by Devonian separatists Nationalists whose terrorising tactics have brought much misery to the residents of Cornwall. Chief Export: Tin, Copper, Rugged leading men, China Clay, 2nd homes Population: 2.1M Head of State: His Royal Highness Poldark IX, 'The Rugged' Where's Where 10: Duchy of Portland Bill. Return to List Little to say, except that the small nation-state on the coast of Wessex is a haven for gambling and tax evasion. Despite repeated attempts by annexation, the wealthy state has remained independent. Notable for having a standing army of one, and has banned the colour blue. Chief Export: Waste paper Population: 190,000 Head of State: Prince Jameson Nasil IV 'The Safe' Where's Where 11: Isle of Wight. Return to List Sea-going Naval Republic. Ruled over for the past eighteen years by Admiral Drake, the floating Island of Wight moves South for the Summer, generally to the Canaries, but sometimes to the Azores. In the old days it was sailed there or towed, but now large engines attached to the floating island give it greater independence. The residents decide where they are to go for the winter, and knots and nautical terms are taught from age three. Rumours that the island may move permanently to the Caribbean have not been substantiated. The island fought valiantly in the Third Troll Wars by shelling Troll positions from the North Sea. At full chat the island can make seven knots, and reputedly takes seven miles to come to a stop. Red faces all round during the winter of 1932, when the island collided with Guernsey, which was travelling in the opposite direction. Chief Export: Tall sea-going tales, Compasses, and scurvy. Population: 870,000 Head of State: Admiral Horatio LubberLine-Talmudge-Barnacle, 'The Invariably Lost Where's Where 12: National Trust Property. Return to List After a series of bequests, gifts, takeovers and property annexations, the entire North-East of England found itself owned by the National Trust. Small pockets of rebellion were quickly dealt with as the Trust consolidated its power, and the two-hundred mile stretch of coastline is now subject to a strict series of preservation orders that dictate everything from wallpaper choice to clothes. The Trust is governed by a board of directors, all of whom are very old, and die at such a furious rate that new trustees are elected at a rate of one a week. The land and properties within the trust are all first-rate, but are somewhat marred by the militant guards always on duty, who have powers of summary execution if anything is touched, and often accuse visitors of potentially wearing something out by 'staring at it too hard'. Chief Export: Fudge, tea-towels, and scented soap. Population: 1.1M Head of State: Harriet Bluerinse 'The Least Dusty' (since 2006; expected to die 2007) Where's Where 13: Financia. Return to List The business power-house of the unUK, Financia is a Financial-based city-state whose sole occupation is making money, sometimes to the detriment of everything else. Ruled by a board of directors, the huge financial acumen of the nation affords all its citizens the highest per-capita income of the entire unUK. Because Financia manufactures nothing, has no undeveloped land and gardens and open spaces were long since consumed in a riotous property boom that lasted two centuries, every ounce of everything has to be imported, much to the delight of the surrounding nations, who delight in overcharging them. Residents of Financia are hard-working, generally agreeable and are obsessed with not only what they earn, but how much their property is worth. Chief Export: Wealth Population: 9.2M Head of State: Horace P. Greedwell (since 2002) Where's Where 14: Liverpudlian City-State of Liverpool and Bootle. Return to List Once a huge port and ship-building centre, the independent city-state now exports musical and artistic talent to the world, as well as haircuts, footballers and racehorses. Governed by a council which answers to the Supremely powerful Mayor, the state is currently under negotiation to be subsumed into the Kingdom of Cumbria. Negotiations recently stalled on the knotty question of 'Scouse', a stew-derived meal eaten by the Inhabitants of Liverpool, but banned everywhere else. Chief Export: Music, haircuts, Racehorses, dry humour, notable birthplaces Population: 2.2M Head of State: The Honourable Moptopp Aintree-Tate-Lyle-McGough-Banbridge XVII (Mayoral Dynasty, since 1230, not corrupt since 1729) Where's Where 15: Trollvania. Return to List Little is know of the nation and its inhabitants, but suffice to say that the Troll is a smelly, unpleasant creature that likes to eat human flesh. Despite numerous Troll Wars, the Trolls remain in control of the largest single tract of land in the unUK, and regard humans as simply 'Vermin' who will, if left unchecked 'outgrow the capacity of their own environment in as little as eight centuries'. Form of Government: Unknown. Chief Export: Fear Population: Unknown, but thought to be about a million Head of State:Unknown, but last logged as Hagridd ap Hodrigg ap Diggrid 'The Feared' Where's Where 16: Mausoleum. Return to List One of the strangest kingdoms in the land, the 26,000 acre principality is populated and ruled over by dead people, kept alive by a spell of considerable power and longevity. Visitors are discouraged, and have to be dead - or almost - to enter. Said to be always cold and perpetually draughty, Mausoleum residents wander around in a state of semi-deadness doing very little, except the semi-dead teenagers, who move even slower and o less. So much so, in fact, that any variance with utter motionless is hard to detect. Chief Export: Funeral services Population: 123,000 (all dead) Head of State: His Royal Coldness King Romero VII Where's Where 17: Constuffia PLC. Return to List Full title: 'The Consolidated Useful Stuff Company PLC' but more popularly known as 'Constuff', this nation is the only one in the unUK designated a Public Limited Company, with the citizens or 'Shareholders' all holding an equal interest in the Nation's affairs. Famed for being able to produce cheap and shabby goods more cheaply and shabbier than anyone else, Constuffia's exports are higher than the next seventeen states combined. The Nation has strong links to Financia in the South, and always reserves it's 'A Grade' cheap and shoddy goods for the Financia market. As Trollvania's only neighbour, the board of Constuffia are very anti-war, maintaining that the resultant damage to men and property could lower their manufacturing standards to a point where everything breaks and falls apart when first built - rather than the two weeks they boast at present. Constuffia is also the primary importer of Foundlings to be used as cheap labour in its factories. Chief Export: Almost everything Population: 12.6M - 2.3M of them Foundlings working in a state of indentured servitude Head of State: James Zou Arkwright (since 1978) Where's Where 18: The Glorious Republic of the Isle of Man. Return to List A small island in the Irish sea, constantly buffeted by rain, storms and pub-fights, the small nation leads the unUK in the export of glue, as a rich seam of Bostick bubbles to the surface in Douglas, the glue capital of the unUK. Having become rich on glue, the 'Bostick Barons' of the Isle of Man have started to drill to liberate the estimated trillion tons of molasses that lie in the rich treacle-fields in the coastal waters. Holds the Tourist Trophy motorcycle races every year as a form of population control; moustaches on males are obligatory and are known as 'Mansells'. Home to the earless 'Manx Racoon'. Chief Export: Glue, scissors, Brown paper Population: 900,200 Head of State: Lotus Clarkson IV, 'The Generally ignored' Where's Where 19: Kingdom of Kent. Return to List The beer capital of the unUK, Kent supplies hops and barley for not only its own brewing industry, but for everyone else's. Known to be red-faced, merry and mildly tipsy, the Kent citizenry are friendly and hospitable. Governed by the only King and Queen unit in the unUK, this is somewhat marred by the Queen having jurisdiction over the women, and the King the men. This sometimes ludicrous state of affairs is the subject of many plays and films, and 'Kent Comedies' are well respected for their high farce. Chief Export: Beer, complaints Population: 2.1M Head of State: Their Royal Argumentarys, King Peter and Queen Angelina. Where's Where 20: Kingdom of Anglia. Return to List Ruled by Jethro the Indifferent, the low-lying kingdom has, due to rising sea-levels been relegated to being not much more than salt-marsh with islands in between. Having the lowest population per hectare of any nation, the Anglias make a living by exporting wheat-reed for thatching, bottled marsh-gas and one-liners. Chief Export: Anything damp Population: 138,000 Head of State: The 14th Duke of Ely (Currently a three month old infant) Where's Where 21: Duchy of King's Lynn, Return to List know locally as 'The Wash'. Small nation know locally for pottery and telling tall stories about the weather. Granted to the Duke of Lynn in 1232, the Duchy has retained its borders unchanged since that day, and manufactures bathing machines, pianos and novelty bottle-stops. Has the only known habitat of the Buzonji. Chief Export: Pianos, flat-pack windmills Population: 320,000 Head of State: Alternates between the Identical Lynn Ducal Triplets: Horace, Hugo and Harry. Where's Where 22: Duchy of Cambridge. Return to List The largest Duchy in the unUK, Cambridge has often tried to upgrade to Kingdom but always falls short at the entry requirements, such as the ability to use torture, or summary execution. Home to the unUK's premier weather-manufacturing facility, Cambridge's 'hurricanes in a tin' are exported globally. Chief Export: Weather, Chairlifts, stairs, Sylvia Plath automatons Population: 800,000 Head of State: Chief Professor the Honourable Don the Martin (annual appointment) Where's Where 23: Duchy of Cotswold. Return to List Annexed from Wessex in 1902 by Financia as a place for their wealthy elite to spend their weekends. The affluent Duchy has strict membership requirements that were once so exclusive that no-one could live there. Those rules are long-relaxed, and it is a vibrant place where people who live next to each other during the week in Financia can live next to each other at the weekend. It is also the only Duchy that requires by law an overpriced teashop and cookware emporium in every village. Chief Export: Tedious dinner table conversation, yellow stone, conservatism, novelty teapots, bad art Population: During the week: nil. During the weekend: 2.3M Head of State: Horace P. Greedwell (weekends only) Where's Where 24: Kingdom of Wessex. Return to List One of oldest and most well-respected Kingdoms in the unUK, despite being the setting for a lot of very dreary books. Named 'The Breadbasket of the unUK' due to the high level of cultivation. It is by royal decree that every square inch of the Kingdom available for cultivation be productive. Grain yield from the cracks in a paving stones alone is over seventeen tons per annum. The Kings of Wessex have always spearheaded reconciliation between the other nations of the unUK, and are often asked to comment on political matters. The current King Colin IX is pushing for unification of the unUnited Kingdoms, although it is doubtful he will succeed. Chief Export: Food. Population: 1.9M Head of State: Colin IX 'The Just and Wise' Where's Where 25: Kingdom of Cumbria. Return to List Second only to Snowdonia for natural beauty (Although this is frequently argued over) the mountainous state is populated by a hardy yet amusing group of people who can generally see the joke in everything. Homeland of the Bandersnatch, the King of Cumbria often presents a Bandersnatch to a zoo as a method of diplomacy. Animal rights groups deride the trade, but admit privately the Bandersnatch is very cute. Workers from Cumbria often migrate North to Constuffia to assist in the manufacture of cheap and shabby goods, but are fired once they become skilled. A recent Marzipan known as 'The Cumbrian Drift' has just come on stream and may seriously improve Cumbria's wealth. Chief Export: Bandersnatches, Marzipan (on-stream from 2009) Population: 1.6M Head of State: His Royal Walkingness Wainwright III Where's Where 26: University City-State of Oxfordia. Return to List Populated mostly by people from Financia on the 'reserved place' system, Oxfordia comprises twenty-two colleges all of whom have a say in the stocking of the wine cellar. As a seat of learning, the university is unsurpassed, but after accusations of elitism, the nation now accepts people from lowly backgrounds and have been very pleased with how well they have adapted to kitchen work. Chief Export: Intellectualism Population: 890,000 Head of State: None; a leader was forgotten to be elected in 1892, and no-one has troubled about it since. Nation is nominally governed by the Chief of Police. Where's Where 27: Kingdom of Mercia Return to List Currently ruled by a Queen Ursula the Once-Scrummy. After Wessex, Mercia is the most powerful of all the Kingdoms, and remains the only Kingdom to have banned sarcasm. Chief Export: Electronic goods, Military Hardware, Beauty Pageants, Clockwork Butlers Population: 3.2M Head of State: Queen Ursula XI, the Once-Scrummy but now a bit crinkly around the edges. Where's Where 28: Popular Reenactment Kingdom of Midlandia. Return to List Originally a Republic, the craze for reenactments gained so much popularity here that the entire nation and all its buildings and land were used as a backdrop for the reenactment of a medieval Kingdom. When it was realised that 92% of the population were involved in the reenactment and that no-one really wanted to go home on Monday, the re-enactment was made permanent. Uniquely placed in the centre of the Kingdom, Midlandia has managed to bring about peace by the simple expedient of not allowing armies free passage through their territory. Although technology is officially frowned upon, it is secretly used. Chief Export: Mead, medieval weaponry, computer games, bread Population: 3.6M Head of State: President-for-Life Olric 'Thunder' Pendragon (Formerly Stephen Jones) Page updated Nov 17th 2011 |