Hat Industry Streamlined
in major shakeup
In a major shake-up of the hat industry yesterday, Goliath Hats, the leading hat producer in the world, announced that it would be streamlining its hat producing businesses in accordance with consumer wishes. According to market research, the vast choice of hats available in the world today represent a daunting, and, some would say, unwelcome problem to the hat buying public.
"The problem is, there is just too much choice" explained Mr Davis of Sidcup, "I'm a busy man and I don't want to spend hours of my well earned spare time trying to decide which hat to buy". Mr Davis is not an isolated incident. Millions of people across the globe are fearful, confused and irritated by the huge and wasteful profligaration of hats in recent years. At the last count there were over 1,983,456 different types of hats, many of which have been described as "overly flamboyant" and "criminally wasteful in resources". Clearly, this cannot continue and Goliath have decided to take action. From Tuesday, all the 3789 different hat factories across the globe will close and be replaced by one large and extremely efficient hat factory to be situated in Tierra Del Fuego. This new hat factory will produce hats at the rate of one thousand an hour, in eight different styles and thus releasing the public from the burden of prolonged and unwelcome hat choice. Utilising new materials to replace traditional and wasteful hat making methods, the new Goliath hat factory will recycle thousands of unwanted newspapers using a high-technology "Papier-Mache" process to build the exciting new hats.
To discourage illegal and dangerous bootleg hat manufacturers, The Goliath Hat ordinance will be in place by May, banning the illegal manufacture of hats. All obsolete hats will be collected in 'hat sweeps' this October, at a generous bounty of 5p per hat.
One of the new Goliath hat designs
A diagram demonstrates how the new hats
are to be worn
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