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Live Racing from Toad...
Posted by: poetscientistdrinker (---.cache.pol.co.uk)
Date: October 25, 2002 11:10PM
<HTML>"Hello, and welcome to the Inaugral Goliath Fiction Burn Off! - Brought to you live and exclusive by Network Toad! With your hosts, me - Morten Harket -"
"and me - Troy Baskerville".
"Today, before your very eyes the contest for the title of fastest fictional character on four wheels will be decided! And there's been a lot of controversy between the two favourites, hasn't there, Troy?"
"In short, yes, and it's shocked the genteel world of publishing to the core. It all started when Miss Havisham took exception to the unusual courtship of Miss Sophia Western - Miss Havisham is reported to have claimed that Miss Western had 'allowed the local rogue to fondle her muff'.
In reponse Squire Western, the father of the maligned party, is reported to have responded by saying 'A pox on't! My Sophy shall never be had without my consent!. The damned bitch is jealous 'cause she couldn't keep a son of a whore of a lord interested to the end of the aisle! Zounds! I'll show her my wheels and she'll ha un.' Back to you, Morten."
"Thank you Troy. Well the competitors are lining up for the start now. Miss Havisham's Bugatti already creeping forward to try and steal a jump..."
"She won't thank you for saying that, Morten!"
"And Squire Western's custom Range Rover Hot Rod is also trying to steal a move. The starter raises his flag, and they're off! Miss Havisham has got a good start, Squire Western is close behind. Further back the field is tightly bunched, but I can just see Holmes distinctive cloud of smoke surrounding his car, and is he listening to a badly played violin solo, Troy?"
"No Morten! In a dramatic turn one of the Oompa Lumpas has fallen out of the Creme Egg that they have entered and has become wrapped round the wheel!"
"Well I guess that's one sweet manufacturer that came to a sticky end!"
"Well, it certainly looks sticky where he left that pool of blood."
"Delightful, Troy. Anyway, we've already got a car coming into the pits, and it's, it's..."
"Looks like a generic Jilly Cooper character to me, Morten."
"And it is, she's in the pits, and she's demanding that a mechanic with a large tool gives her a good servicing. Is this going to affect her chances?"
"Might do if she doesn't hurry up getting those overalls off. This could well force her to retire, especially if the punter's realise Jilly's basically been writing the same book time and time again for years now."
"I must interupt, Troy, because the race is coming to the infamous Poet's Corner. And Squire Western is attempting to charge past Miss Havisham, she closes the gap on him... And the Cheshire Cat squeezes through on an obvious improbability! He's taken the lead!"
"He's enjoying that, Morten, I can see him smiling underneath his helmet from here."
"But now the Cheshire Cat, he's, he's disappearing! He's actually disappeared!"
"Well that could well count against him in a photo finish, Morten. I wonder if he was following team orders?"
"Well it's all part of the farce that is modern Formula One Fiction, Troy. But now they come up to Beckett's, and we're still waiting for Godot to make a move."
"Well, it's rare for him to even turn up these days, Morten."
"It's almost like that race in Greece where Odysseus got seriously lost half way round the course. That really was an odyssey. But now we come up to Falstaff's, and back in the field Holmes has taken a fall! He's out of the race! How did he make so simple a mistake?"
"Well, it's elementary, really. He'll probably be back in a dubious ressurection to allow a money spinning sequel, and he's walking away now, and is that my dog in tow?"
"Enough of your family's hound, Troy, the race at the front is really hotting up now. Squire Western has found a bit of speed coming out of the last bender, and now he's really hitting the bottle!"
"Well he always liked fast living."
"And he pulls out to make another move..."
"She won't like that turn of phrase either, Morten."
"... but Havisham blocks him!"
"That's Miss Havisham to you, Godless Heathen! And kindly tell your monkey to keep quiet!"
"Sorry, Miss Havisham. She blocks him, he tries to sneak up the inside but he's left it too late! Miss Havisham takes the flag for Nineteenth Century Classics! She's won the title!"
"Aaargh! A pox on't and no mistake! It's a lye, a d--ned lye! Whore-son, confounded bitch of a lord!"
"Well Squire Western seems a little ungracious in defeat there, Troy."
"Well, Morten. The only person to announce that defeat is glorious was Nelson Mandela chiropodist."
"Quite, Troy. Anyway, stay tuned to Toad after the adverts for more live fictional racing!"</HTML>
"and me - Troy Baskerville".
"Today, before your very eyes the contest for the title of fastest fictional character on four wheels will be decided! And there's been a lot of controversy between the two favourites, hasn't there, Troy?"
"In short, yes, and it's shocked the genteel world of publishing to the core. It all started when Miss Havisham took exception to the unusual courtship of Miss Sophia Western - Miss Havisham is reported to have claimed that Miss Western had 'allowed the local rogue to fondle her muff'.
In reponse Squire Western, the father of the maligned party, is reported to have responded by saying 'A pox on't! My Sophy shall never be had without my consent!. The damned bitch is jealous 'cause she couldn't keep a son of a whore of a lord interested to the end of the aisle! Zounds! I'll show her my wheels and she'll ha un.' Back to you, Morten."
"Thank you Troy. Well the competitors are lining up for the start now. Miss Havisham's Bugatti already creeping forward to try and steal a jump..."
"She won't thank you for saying that, Morten!"
"And Squire Western's custom Range Rover Hot Rod is also trying to steal a move. The starter raises his flag, and they're off! Miss Havisham has got a good start, Squire Western is close behind. Further back the field is tightly bunched, but I can just see Holmes distinctive cloud of smoke surrounding his car, and is he listening to a badly played violin solo, Troy?"
"No Morten! In a dramatic turn one of the Oompa Lumpas has fallen out of the Creme Egg that they have entered and has become wrapped round the wheel!"
"Well I guess that's one sweet manufacturer that came to a sticky end!"
"Well, it certainly looks sticky where he left that pool of blood."
"Delightful, Troy. Anyway, we've already got a car coming into the pits, and it's, it's..."
"Looks like a generic Jilly Cooper character to me, Morten."
"And it is, she's in the pits, and she's demanding that a mechanic with a large tool gives her a good servicing. Is this going to affect her chances?"
"Might do if she doesn't hurry up getting those overalls off. This could well force her to retire, especially if the punter's realise Jilly's basically been writing the same book time and time again for years now."
"I must interupt, Troy, because the race is coming to the infamous Poet's Corner. And Squire Western is attempting to charge past Miss Havisham, she closes the gap on him... And the Cheshire Cat squeezes through on an obvious improbability! He's taken the lead!"
"He's enjoying that, Morten, I can see him smiling underneath his helmet from here."
"But now the Cheshire Cat, he's, he's disappearing! He's actually disappeared!"
"Well that could well count against him in a photo finish, Morten. I wonder if he was following team orders?"
"Well it's all part of the farce that is modern Formula One Fiction, Troy. But now they come up to Beckett's, and we're still waiting for Godot to make a move."
"Well, it's rare for him to even turn up these days, Morten."
"It's almost like that race in Greece where Odysseus got seriously lost half way round the course. That really was an odyssey. But now we come up to Falstaff's, and back in the field Holmes has taken a fall! He's out of the race! How did he make so simple a mistake?"
"Well, it's elementary, really. He'll probably be back in a dubious ressurection to allow a money spinning sequel, and he's walking away now, and is that my dog in tow?"
"Enough of your family's hound, Troy, the race at the front is really hotting up now. Squire Western has found a bit of speed coming out of the last bender, and now he's really hitting the bottle!"
"Well he always liked fast living."
"And he pulls out to make another move..."
"She won't like that turn of phrase either, Morten."
"... but Havisham blocks him!"
"That's Miss Havisham to you, Godless Heathen! And kindly tell your monkey to keep quiet!"
"Sorry, Miss Havisham. She blocks him, he tries to sneak up the inside but he's left it too late! Miss Havisham takes the flag for Nineteenth Century Classics! She's won the title!"
"Aaargh! A pox on't and no mistake! It's a lye, a d--ned lye! Whore-son, confounded bitch of a lord!"
"Well Squire Western seems a little ungracious in defeat there, Troy."
"Well, Morten. The only person to announce that defeat is glorious was Nelson Mandela chiropodist."
"Quite, Troy. Anyway, stay tuned to Toad after the adverts for more live fictional racing!"</HTML>
Re: Live Racing from Toad...
Posted by: all-american-cutie (---.dalect01.va.comcast.net)
Date: October 25, 2002 11:55PM
<HTML>GROAN!!!!!!!
lol Ben, you're a nut! But that was admittedly funny and creative.
~Twila~</HTML>
lol Ben, you're a nut! But that was admittedly funny and creative.
~Twila~</HTML>
Re: Live Racing from Toad...
Posted by: all-american-cutie (---.dalect01.va.comcast.net)
Date: October 25, 2002 11:57PM
<HTML>and by the way, isn't Morten Harket the former lead singer of A-Ha?
and wasn't he also some kind of former porn star?
Just wondering!
~Twila~</HTML>
and wasn't he also some kind of former porn star?
Just wondering!
~Twila~</HTML>
Re: Live Racing from Toad...
Posted by: Jon (---.proxy.aol.com)
Date: October 26, 2002 02:58PM
<HTML>Ben - that was so good I will even forgive you the defeat joke, which I first heard told by John Bird (as Idi Amin) 30 years ago on the Frost Report.
Now, how do I follow that......</HTML>
Now, how do I follow that......</HTML>
Re: Live Racing from Toad...
Posted by: ScarletBea (---.telepac.pt)
Date: October 26, 2002 05:46PM
<HTML>LOLOLOL
I adore the F1 hints ;)</HTML>
I adore the F1 hints ;)</HTML>
Re: Live Racing from Toad...
Posted by: poetscientistdrinker (---.cache.pol.co.uk)
Date: October 26, 2002 10:42PM
<HTML>Well, to be honest I heard the defeat gag ages ago as well, although it was rather sobering to discover it was somewhat older than me...
Having ahd a quick glance back through Fielding, does anyone else reckon that Sophia's maid, Honour, would make a first-rate tea-lady for the Jurisfiction team? Especially seeing as she hates the thought of fire arms (even to protect her virtue, in one discussion about running away - which enables Sophia to take the piss by saying 'I'm sure I could ensure your virtue @#$%& than that...')</HTML>
Having ahd a quick glance back through Fielding, does anyone else reckon that Sophia's maid, Honour, would make a first-rate tea-lady for the Jurisfiction team? Especially seeing as she hates the thought of fire arms (even to protect her virtue, in one discussion about running away - which enables Sophia to take the piss by saying 'I'm sure I could ensure your virtue @#$%& than that...')</HTML>
Re: Live Racing from Toad...
Posted by: Ooktavia (---.nv.iinet.net.au)
Date: October 27, 2002 06:55AM
<HTML>Brillinat!! Caused me to laugh like a sick donkey. I can always count on this place to cheer me up on a day of un-australian weather.</HTML>
Re: Live Racing from Toad...
Posted by: poetscientistdrinker (---.cache.pol.co.uk)
Date: October 27, 2002 07:56PM
<HTML>If you really want cheering up, the weather in Blighty isn't exactly Australian either...</HTML>
Re: Live Racing from Toad...
Posted by: poestscientistdrinker (---.cache.pol.co.uk)
Date: December 20, 2002 01:23AM
<HTML>again, criticisms noted and changed in the version for Mr fforde's requerst #2</HTML>
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