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JurisScienceFiction
Posted by: jon brierley (---.abel.net.uk)
Date: November 13, 2002 04:02PM
<HTML>JurisFiction
Notes for Operatives
Section 14.1; Science Fiction & Fantasy
We have only recently managed to enter any books in this genre, and much of it remains unexplored. And what is explored is very dangerous; quite apart from bug-eyed monsters of various kinds, there are all manner of hazards not encountered elsewhere in fiction.
For the benefit of travellers in this field, some of the possible dangers are listed below.
BRENTFORD TRILOGY; access to these five books is now forbidden. We can still smell sprouts in the Library.
CONAN THE BARBARIAN: would anyone returning from a Conan story please remember to have a shower before using the Library.
DAY OF THE TRIFFIDS; weedkiller can be obtained from Supplies. On no account enter the first chapter without suitable eye protection.
DISCWORLD: if approached by a running figure with the word ‘Wizzard’ on his hat, don’t wait to find out what the trouble is. Take his word for it and run. Note; NEVER eat anything bought from a street pedlar.
DO ANDROIDS DREAM OF ELECTRIC SHEEP?; No.
DR. WHO: these books have suffered greatly from adjectivores, leaving all the scenery dangerously under-described. Don’t lean on any of it. If threatened by a Dalek, run upstairs. Accept jelly babies with caution.
DUNE; the chief danger for anyone entering this series is dying of boredom. If anyone offers you any strange spice, don’t eat it. Any operative who can advise Jurisfiction of the meaning of any of the stories should contact the UA of W Cat, since we might be able to use the stultifying tedium as a way into Pilgrim’s Progress.
EARTHSEA; MycroTech supply an effective dragon repellent.
HARRY POTTER; there appears to have been an unauthorised plot transfer to these books from ‘Tom Brown’s Schooldays’. Investigation required. Please note that you are not insured if Nimbus 1000 brooms are used for purposes other than as listed on packaging. (This means you, Havisham).
THE LORD OF THE RINGS; Urgent action is required to remove a PageRunner known as ‘Tom Bombadil’, who has inserted himself into the story and holds up the action for two chapters. If found he is to be terminated with extreme prejudice. A McGonagall Mark III Poetry Eradicator will also be required.
NARNIA; Please learn from the Shelley disaster. He started arguing for the Necessity of Atheism, and the lion ate him. Keep topics of conversation non-controversial, please.
STAR TREK; TV tie-in books tend to be fairly simple to jump into, and present few challenges for the experienced fictionaut. However, some basic rules need to be observed. Never join an away team in a red shirt. Please note that McCoy is a doctor, not an engineer. Do not ask Captain Kirk if he knows where all the Tribbles went, while looking pointedly at his head. Lend no money to Ferengi. If jumping from an early book into a Next Generation episode, do not ask a Klingon “what happened to your faces, then?”. Refrain from observing that every planet in the galaxy looks like California. Remember that Captain Janeway is not Katharine Hepburn. And above all, try not to laugh whenever the technobabble mentions DNA, even if it does remind you of a shampoo ad.
STAR WARS: There has been an attack of grammasites in these books, especially affecting the character Yoda, which backwards makes him talk. Female operatives may like to conceal a FootnoterPhone headset in their hairstyle. Anyone filling in as an Imperial Stormtrooper, do look where you’re going. Also be warned; Jar Jar Binks. I think you know what I mean.
STAINLESS STEEL RAT; it is believed this character (aka Slippery Jim DiGriz) is a fugitive from JurisFiction. However it would be impossible to extract him without boojuming the whole series. Believe nothing he tells you.
WATERSHIP DOWN: would anyone entering please exercise caution. We don’t want a repetition of the unfortunate pie incident.
X-FILES; any operatives jumping into an X-Files book should obtain a spare set of torch batteries from Supplies. If you hear the phrase ‘things are getting strange, I’m starting to worry’ leave at once, as this is one of the first signs of catatonia.
Finally, would all agents please note that vaccination against hyperspace sickness can be obtained from Dr. Jekyll, and that anyone doing the old ‘travelling faster than light and coming back to find everyone 300 years older’ trick will only get paid for the subjective time spent travelling.</HTML>
Notes for Operatives
Section 14.1; Science Fiction & Fantasy
We have only recently managed to enter any books in this genre, and much of it remains unexplored. And what is explored is very dangerous; quite apart from bug-eyed monsters of various kinds, there are all manner of hazards not encountered elsewhere in fiction.
For the benefit of travellers in this field, some of the possible dangers are listed below.
BRENTFORD TRILOGY; access to these five books is now forbidden. We can still smell sprouts in the Library.
CONAN THE BARBARIAN: would anyone returning from a Conan story please remember to have a shower before using the Library.
DAY OF THE TRIFFIDS; weedkiller can be obtained from Supplies. On no account enter the first chapter without suitable eye protection.
DISCWORLD: if approached by a running figure with the word ‘Wizzard’ on his hat, don’t wait to find out what the trouble is. Take his word for it and run. Note; NEVER eat anything bought from a street pedlar.
DO ANDROIDS DREAM OF ELECTRIC SHEEP?; No.
DR. WHO: these books have suffered greatly from adjectivores, leaving all the scenery dangerously under-described. Don’t lean on any of it. If threatened by a Dalek, run upstairs. Accept jelly babies with caution.
DUNE; the chief danger for anyone entering this series is dying of boredom. If anyone offers you any strange spice, don’t eat it. Any operative who can advise Jurisfiction of the meaning of any of the stories should contact the UA of W Cat, since we might be able to use the stultifying tedium as a way into Pilgrim’s Progress.
EARTHSEA; MycroTech supply an effective dragon repellent.
HARRY POTTER; there appears to have been an unauthorised plot transfer to these books from ‘Tom Brown’s Schooldays’. Investigation required. Please note that you are not insured if Nimbus 1000 brooms are used for purposes other than as listed on packaging. (This means you, Havisham).
THE LORD OF THE RINGS; Urgent action is required to remove a PageRunner known as ‘Tom Bombadil’, who has inserted himself into the story and holds up the action for two chapters. If found he is to be terminated with extreme prejudice. A McGonagall Mark III Poetry Eradicator will also be required.
NARNIA; Please learn from the Shelley disaster. He started arguing for the Necessity of Atheism, and the lion ate him. Keep topics of conversation non-controversial, please.
STAR TREK; TV tie-in books tend to be fairly simple to jump into, and present few challenges for the experienced fictionaut. However, some basic rules need to be observed. Never join an away team in a red shirt. Please note that McCoy is a doctor, not an engineer. Do not ask Captain Kirk if he knows where all the Tribbles went, while looking pointedly at his head. Lend no money to Ferengi. If jumping from an early book into a Next Generation episode, do not ask a Klingon “what happened to your faces, then?”. Refrain from observing that every planet in the galaxy looks like California. Remember that Captain Janeway is not Katharine Hepburn. And above all, try not to laugh whenever the technobabble mentions DNA, even if it does remind you of a shampoo ad.
STAR WARS: There has been an attack of grammasites in these books, especially affecting the character Yoda, which backwards makes him talk. Female operatives may like to conceal a FootnoterPhone headset in their hairstyle. Anyone filling in as an Imperial Stormtrooper, do look where you’re going. Also be warned; Jar Jar Binks. I think you know what I mean.
STAINLESS STEEL RAT; it is believed this character (aka Slippery Jim DiGriz) is a fugitive from JurisFiction. However it would be impossible to extract him without boojuming the whole series. Believe nothing he tells you.
WATERSHIP DOWN: would anyone entering please exercise caution. We don’t want a repetition of the unfortunate pie incident.
X-FILES; any operatives jumping into an X-Files book should obtain a spare set of torch batteries from Supplies. If you hear the phrase ‘things are getting strange, I’m starting to worry’ leave at once, as this is one of the first signs of catatonia.
Finally, would all agents please note that vaccination against hyperspace sickness can be obtained from Dr. Jekyll, and that anyone doing the old ‘travelling faster than light and coming back to find everyone 300 years older’ trick will only get paid for the subjective time spent travelling.</HTML>
Re: JurisScienceFiction
Posted by: dave (212.158.104.---)
Date: November 13, 2002 04:08PM
<HTML>*picks self off floor laughing*
oh heck, the boss has noticed. Now I've got to explain... shouldn't be too hard as she's the one who introduced me to Ms Next in the first place.
(btw, is it me, or did the Stainless Steel Rat books start getting a bit, well, crap after 'Return')?</HTML>
oh heck, the boss has noticed. Now I've got to explain... shouldn't be too hard as she's the one who introduced me to Ms Next in the first place.
(btw, is it me, or did the Stainless Steel Rat books start getting a bit, well, crap after 'Return')?</HTML>
Re: JurisScienceFiction
Posted by: jon brierley (---.abel.net.uk)
Date: November 13, 2002 04:15PM
<HTML>er...I dunno. I haven't read any for about 20 years! I just put him in as padding, really....(cough, shuffles feet).</HTML>
Re: JurisScienceFiction
Posted by: dave (212.158.104.---)
Date: November 13, 2002 04:49PM
<HTML>you're forgiven this once. Don't let it happen again...</HTML>
Re: JurisScienceFiction
Posted by: ScarletBea (---.be.jnj.com)
Date: November 13, 2002 06:03PM
<HTML>OH GOD!!!!
*rotfl*
I vote for terminating Tom Bombadil and any poetry in Lord of the Rings too!!!!!!!!!!!</HTML>
*rotfl*
I vote for terminating Tom Bombadil and any poetry in Lord of the Rings too!!!!!!!!!!!</HTML>
Re: JurisScienceFiction
Posted by: Anne (---.dc1-cache2.syd.dav.net.au)
Date: November 14, 2002 01:51AM
<HTML>All I can say Jon is thank goodness my boss (in name and by nature!) wasn't around!! Unfortunately the reception area was full of clients but I think I fooled them when I pretended to be having a choking fit! One of them even knew the Heimlich Manoeuvre!! I tried to appear grateful but my ribs still bloody well hurt!!</HTML>
Re: JurisScienceFiction
Posted by: Ooktavia (---.nv.iinet.net.au)
Date: November 14, 2002 10:19AM
<HTML>Cool!!
My life will never again be as perfect as today has made it.</HTML>
My life will never again be as perfect as today has made it.</HTML>
Re: JurisScienceFiction
Posted by: Rob (---.leeds.ac.uk)
Date: November 14, 2002 02:06PM
<HTML>Top quality !
Can I show my ignorance and ask about the Brentford Trilogy ?
My dad comes from there. He even supports their football team -
poor deluded soul. (Rod Stewart had trials for them once.)</HTML>
Can I show my ignorance and ask about the Brentford Trilogy ?
My dad comes from there. He even supports their football team -
poor deluded soul. (Rod Stewart had trials for them once.)</HTML>
Re: JurisScienceFiction
Posted by: dave (212.158.104.---)
Date: November 14, 2002 02:09PM
<HTML>If that's the Rob that I know, wotcha mate. I didn't know your dad was from Brentford. And you call yourself a yorkshireman, surely you're a southerner by association?
;-) How are the students today?</HTML>
;-) How are the students today?</HTML>
Re: JurisScienceFiction
Posted by: Rob (---.leeds.ac.uk)
Date: November 14, 2002 02:42PM
<HTML>There are certain skeletons one likes to keep in the cupboard...
Students are keeping me busy today. Asking all kinds of complicated questions.</HTML>
Students are keeping me busy today. Asking all kinds of complicated questions.</HTML>
Re: JurisScienceFiction
Posted by: dave (212.158.104.---)
Date: November 14, 2002 02:44PM
<HTML>you want to be careful, you'll end up doing 'work' ....</HTML>
Re: JurisScienceFiction
Posted by: Jon (---.abel.net.uk)
Date: November 14, 2002 02:45PM
<HTML>Brentford Trilogy. Five books by Robert Rankin. Full of weird but very funny stuff. Mr. Rankin is rather an erratic performer, and stands heavily guilty of writing the same book many times, but his Brentford books are favourites of mine. See [www.bbc.co.uk] for more information.
Robert Rankin used to work as a props buyer in the film biz, so it is entirely possible that he and Mr. Fforde might have crossed paths on some sound stage somewhere.
Btw, I've always thought Rod Stewart should have a trial .... preferably one with a guilty verdict at the end of it.</HTML>
Robert Rankin used to work as a props buyer in the film biz, so it is entirely possible that he and Mr. Fforde might have crossed paths on some sound stage somewhere.
Btw, I've always thought Rod Stewart should have a trial .... preferably one with a guilty verdict at the end of it.</HTML>
Re: JurisScienceFiction
Posted by: Rob (---.leeds.ac.uk)
Date: November 14, 2002 03:05PM
<HTML>Cheers Jon.
I'll have a shuftie.</HTML>
I'll have a shuftie.</HTML>
Re: JurisScienceFiction
Posted by: all-american-cutie (---.dalect01.va.comcast.net)
Date: November 14, 2002 05:54PM
<HTML>Jon,
Here in the States, we have these curious little items called "Depends Undergarments" (for those with bladder control issues) (or as we like to call them, 'Granny Diapers')
I think I may have to begin investing in several packages of them if you don't cease and desist with these outrageously funny posts!
Aww, well, what the heck, carry on...I'll just have to cope! (and change my 'nappies' frequently!)
~Twila~</HTML>
Here in the States, we have these curious little items called "Depends Undergarments" (for those with bladder control issues) (or as we like to call them, 'Granny Diapers')
I think I may have to begin investing in several packages of them if you don't cease and desist with these outrageously funny posts!
Aww, well, what the heck, carry on...I'll just have to cope! (and change my 'nappies' frequently!)
~Twila~</HTML>
Re: JurisScienceFiction
Posted by: poetscientistdrinker (---.cache.pol.co.uk)
Date: November 15, 2002 12:22AM
<HTML>urgh STUDENTS!
Reading are trying to talk me into taking tutorials. This would be quite cool, if it weren't for the fact that all their undergrads are actually older than me!!!! HELP!</HTML>
Reading are trying to talk me into taking tutorials. This would be quite cool, if it weren't for the fact that all their undergrads are actually older than me!!!! HELP!</HTML>
Re: JurisScienceFiction
Posted by: Ooktavia (---.nv.iinet.net.au)
Date: November 19, 2002 10:02AM
<HTML>If I want to visit Earthsea, do I have to get myself a true name from supplies, and if so do I have to return it once I leave? ;-)</HTML>
Re: JurisScienceFiction
Posted by: Jon (---.abel.net.uk)
Date: November 19, 2002 10:25AM
<HTML>Earthsea names; damn...I didn't spot that gag....much better than the one I used!</HTML>
Re: JurisScienceFiction
Posted by: Ooktavia (---.nv.iinet.net.au)
Date: November 20, 2002 03:41AM
<HTML>Even a comic/literary genius such as yourself can't think of everything! ;-)
(And I'd just been re-reading it, too.)</HTML>
(And I'd just been re-reading it, too.)</HTML>
Re: JurisScienceFiction
Posted by: Sarah H Egginton (---.vip.uk.com)
Date: November 26, 2002 06:05PM
<HTML>Wow - excellent stuff! What's the advice on going into Isaac Asimov's short stories?</HTML>
Re: JurisScienceFiction
Posted by: poetscientistdrinker (---.rdg.ac.uk)
Date: November 27, 2002 11:00AM
<HTML>don't - not as they're particularly dangerous, just bloody boring ;)</HTML>
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