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TNN - all the news, all the time, with all the fluffy animal stories you can eat
Posted by: poetscientistdrinker (---.cache.pol.co.uk)
Date: December 04, 2002 11:43PM
<HTML>Due to the strange atmospheric consitions prevailing after the sprout curry I had earlier, my tv has been able to pick up some disturbing news broadcasts, which I've taken the liberty of recording for you....
<i>( Cue big thudding music...)</i>
<i>Over graphics showing various newsy images and loud banging music...</i>
"Welcome to the news from Toad Network News with me, Lewis Toft - all the news, all the time, with all the fluffy animal stories you can eat. The headlines tonight:
<i>Cut to newsreader with slightly panicked look suggesting that the newspapers might know something his wife doesn't...</i>
<B>SO-27 to investigate more Potter rustling in the Swindon area</B>
*bong*
<B>Skyrail to be extended to Birmingham International Ballon Terminal</B>
*bong*
<b>The amoosing cow skateboarding accident that shut the north coast main line for twelve hours earlier, and our special report from Basildon Bond...</b>"
<i>Cut to shot of bloke outside in pouring rain with nothing happening.</i>
"Yes, Lewis - tonight I'll be looking at the peril affecting text across the nation in: Adjectivores - when grammarsites become."
<i>Back to studio</i>
"Sorry, we seem to be having some problems bringing you that adjective.
"But first, news from Swindon about a rotten Potter scandal. Litra-tecs are currently looking into repports that an illegal prose-portal has been constructed and built by the mysterious hard-line Stratfordian terrorist group the Ides of March.
"Suspicions were first raised after a hitherto unknown first edition of the schoolboy wizard was sold for £5,000 in a Swindon auction house. After a second copy turned up a few weeks afterwards, SO-27 felt obliged to investigate. Over to Moreton Marsh, outside the Swindon Litra-Tec offices. Moreton, what can you tell us?"
<i>Cut to a man in the dark, with nothing whatsoever going on in the background except for the same bloke walking back and forth in a really distracting way, who arrived two seconds after realising he could get on telly and make himself look a tit. This is a required part of all outside broadcasts under a quota system operated by the ITC.</i>
"Well, Lewis, we believe that there is one suspect being questioned at the moment, although we haven't heard the charge for which they are being investigated. We do however believe that this is linked to the mysterious power surges that left the sewage pumping station out of action for several hours last night. A spokesman for the waterboard today issued a statement saying "Frankly, it left us in the sh1t."
"The only statement to come directly from the Litra-Tecs came from an un-named oficer saying that 'Our budget meetings are going to be a nightmare aftert his one'. However unconfirmed rumours are linking this to the ongoing investigation into manuscript pushing by rival Stratfordian and Marlovian terrorists. Goliath have denied all responsibility, which is odd, as we never mentioned it to them. Lewis, it's over to you."
"Moreton, was there any point in you being outside the studio?"
"No, Lewis."
<i>Back to studio just in time to see Lewis rolling his eyes</i>
"And for more on that story footnoterphone <a href="http://www.teletext.co.uk/news/story.asp?intregionid=15&intarticlenumber=3&intSubsectionID=1&From=H&indent=30">here</a>. And now over to Birmingham, where the long awaited Solihull Spur Skyrail Extension has finally got planning permission. The long-awaited project is being built by Austrian company Doppelganger, and will finally allow Brummies to catch up with the bright new future of the last century. Airship Terminal Manager Seb Olin explains..."
<i>Cut to bloke in Villa shirt...</i>
"It's bostin! Passengers will be able to collect their giro's in half the time, and they'll also have a chane to experience the gastronomic delights of the famous chippies of Brum! We're heading into a brave new past. The world will finally see Birmingham as the glamorous rival to Beiruit we always knew it was."
<i>Back to studio...</i>
"For more on that digital viewers can press their <a href="http://www.westmidlandsplc.com/sections/transport/wmtran2.pdf">buttons</a> now. But for those plebs yet to update to modern technology, that special report..."
Oops, we seem to have lost the signal at this point. Nevermind, eh?</HTML>
<i>( Cue big thudding music...)</i>
<i>Over graphics showing various newsy images and loud banging music...</i>
"Welcome to the news from Toad Network News with me, Lewis Toft - all the news, all the time, with all the fluffy animal stories you can eat. The headlines tonight:
<i>Cut to newsreader with slightly panicked look suggesting that the newspapers might know something his wife doesn't...</i>
<B>SO-27 to investigate more Potter rustling in the Swindon area</B>
*bong*
<B>Skyrail to be extended to Birmingham International Ballon Terminal</B>
*bong*
<b>The amoosing cow skateboarding accident that shut the north coast main line for twelve hours earlier, and our special report from Basildon Bond...</b>"
<i>Cut to shot of bloke outside in pouring rain with nothing happening.</i>
"Yes, Lewis - tonight I'll be looking at the peril affecting text across the nation in: Adjectivores - when grammarsites become."
<i>Back to studio</i>
"Sorry, we seem to be having some problems bringing you that adjective.
"But first, news from Swindon about a rotten Potter scandal. Litra-tecs are currently looking into repports that an illegal prose-portal has been constructed and built by the mysterious hard-line Stratfordian terrorist group the Ides of March.
"Suspicions were first raised after a hitherto unknown first edition of the schoolboy wizard was sold for £5,000 in a Swindon auction house. After a second copy turned up a few weeks afterwards, SO-27 felt obliged to investigate. Over to Moreton Marsh, outside the Swindon Litra-Tec offices. Moreton, what can you tell us?"
<i>Cut to a man in the dark, with nothing whatsoever going on in the background except for the same bloke walking back and forth in a really distracting way, who arrived two seconds after realising he could get on telly and make himself look a tit. This is a required part of all outside broadcasts under a quota system operated by the ITC.</i>
"Well, Lewis, we believe that there is one suspect being questioned at the moment, although we haven't heard the charge for which they are being investigated. We do however believe that this is linked to the mysterious power surges that left the sewage pumping station out of action for several hours last night. A spokesman for the waterboard today issued a statement saying "Frankly, it left us in the sh1t."
"The only statement to come directly from the Litra-Tecs came from an un-named oficer saying that 'Our budget meetings are going to be a nightmare aftert his one'. However unconfirmed rumours are linking this to the ongoing investigation into manuscript pushing by rival Stratfordian and Marlovian terrorists. Goliath have denied all responsibility, which is odd, as we never mentioned it to them. Lewis, it's over to you."
"Moreton, was there any point in you being outside the studio?"
"No, Lewis."
<i>Back to studio just in time to see Lewis rolling his eyes</i>
"And for more on that story footnoterphone <a href="http://www.teletext.co.uk/news/story.asp?intregionid=15&intarticlenumber=3&intSubsectionID=1&From=H&indent=30">here</a>. And now over to Birmingham, where the long awaited Solihull Spur Skyrail Extension has finally got planning permission. The long-awaited project is being built by Austrian company Doppelganger, and will finally allow Brummies to catch up with the bright new future of the last century. Airship Terminal Manager Seb Olin explains..."
<i>Cut to bloke in Villa shirt...</i>
"It's bostin! Passengers will be able to collect their giro's in half the time, and they'll also have a chane to experience the gastronomic delights of the famous chippies of Brum! We're heading into a brave new past. The world will finally see Birmingham as the glamorous rival to Beiruit we always knew it was."
<i>Back to studio...</i>
"For more on that digital viewers can press their <a href="http://www.westmidlandsplc.com/sections/transport/wmtran2.pdf">buttons</a> now. But for those plebs yet to update to modern technology, that special report..."
Oops, we seem to have lost the signal at this point. Nevermind, eh?</HTML>
Re: TNN - all the news, all the time, with all the fluffy animal stories you can eat
Posted by: poetscientistdrinker (---.cache.pol.co.uk)
Date: December 04, 2002 11:48PM
<HTML>Genuine stories, btw... Don't ask how I got them there though - especially within earshot of the chronoguard.</HTML>
Re: TNN - all the news, all the time, with all the fluffy animal stories you can eat
Posted by: fuzz (---.cableinet.co.uk)
Date: December 05, 2002 12:17AM
<HTML>I see you've found a way round the Bowdlerising Engine thats loose on this fforum. Sh1t indeed.</HTML>
Re: TNN - all the news, all the time, with all the fluffy animal stories you can eat
Posted by: poetscientistdrinker (---.cache.pol.co.uk)
Date: December 05, 2002 12:23AM
<HTML>I spend all that time trying ot inform you lot of the weird Nextian happenings of the news (honestly - they were true stories on the news this evening!) and all you can do is congratulate me on the ability to think laterally and use a number one to spell a number two. Actually I nicked it off my mother who always says s-h-one-t even though she knows that I can A:spell and B: use roman numerals...
Looking at AACs postings, a common mispelling of a well known anglo-norse king suffering a serious case of wet feet also seems to get thru...</HTML>
Looking at AACs postings, a common mispelling of a well known anglo-norse king suffering a serious case of wet feet also seems to get thru...</HTML>
Re: TNN - all the news, all the time, with all the fluffy animal stories you can eat
Posted by: All-American-Cutie (---.dalect01.va.comcast.net)
Date: December 05, 2002 12:36AM
<HTML>hey, wait a minute! What have I "mispelled"? Maybe I'm just being a stupid American and not realizing it! Please let me know where I've gone astray and I'll tell you if I did it on purpose or not! LOL</HTML>
Re: TNN - all the news, all the time, with all the fluffy animal stories you can eat
Posted by: poetscientistdrinker (---.cache.pol.co.uk)
Date: December 05, 2002 12:42AM
<HTML>Canute - or in proper spelling CNUT....</HTML>
Re: TNN - all the news, all the time, with all the fluffy animal stories you can eat
Posted by: poetscientistdrinker (---.cache.pol.co.uk)
Date: December 05, 2002 12:49AM
<HTML>Jon? Fancy doing a guide to my head for non-brits?</HTML>
Re: TNN - all the news, all the time, with all the fluffy animal stories you can eat
Posted by: All-American-Cutie (---.dalect01.va.comcast.net)
Date: December 05, 2002 12:52AM
<HTML>I don't remember ever posting that one, but okay, if you say so [WINK] (I don't even use that one in everyday life...I hate that one!!!)</HTML>
Re: TNN - all the news, all the time, with all the fluffy animal stories you can eat
Posted by: poetscientistdrinker (---.cache.pol.co.uk)
Date: December 05, 2002 12:55AM
<HTML>On the Anagrams thread, near the bottom...</HTML>
Re: TNN - all the news, all the time, with all the fluffy animal stories you can eat
Posted by: All-American-Cutie (---.dalect01.va.comcast.net)
Date: December 05, 2002 04:33AM
<HTML>OOOOOOOOH!!! I was quoting from that anagrams site!!! *I* personally wouldn't say something like that! LOL [admitting you got me there]</HTML>
Re: TNN - all the news, all the time, with all the fluffy animal stories you can eat
Posted by: Jon (---.abel.net.uk)
Date: December 05, 2002 09:20AM
<HTML>Cheshire County Council once did a series of tourist leaflets, for distribution in the USA, extolling the delights of their county. Now, one of the towns in that well-heeled part of the world is called Knutsford (named after he of the wet feet, in fact). Guess how it was spelt on the leaflets?
<B>A guide to Ben's head for non-Brits:</B>
He's barmy.</HTML>
<B>A guide to Ben's head for non-Brits:</B>
He's barmy.</HTML>
Re: TNN - all the news, all the time, with all the fluffy animal stories you can eat
Posted by: ScarletBea (---.server.ntl.com)
Date: December 05, 2002 10:48AM
<HTML>LOLOLOL
(for both Ben and Jon ;))
Ages ago my sis mailed me a description/instructions of London that showed up on an american newspaper, it was to roll around the floor laughing...
(for example, gap was this little animal similar to bats that lived in the tube, a protected species, hence, 'mind the gap' as we walked off... :D)</HTML>
(for both Ben and Jon ;))
Ages ago my sis mailed me a description/instructions of London that showed up on an american newspaper, it was to roll around the floor laughing...
(for example, gap was this little animal similar to bats that lived in the tube, a protected species, hence, 'mind the gap' as we walked off... :D)</HTML>
Re: TNN - all the news, all the time, with all the fluffy animal stories you can eat
Posted by: Sarah (---.vip.uk.com)
Date: December 05, 2002 01:02PM
<HTML>The Chrono-Guard has just put me in charge of a special investigation into the temporal properties of sprout curry. Gee, thanks, Ben. :-(</HTML>
Re: TNN - all the news, all the time, with all the fluffy animal stories you can eat
Posted by: poetscientistdrinker (---.rdg.ac.uk)
Date: December 05, 2002 01:03PM
<HTML>Am I the only person to ever spot Nextian news then?</HTML>
Re: TNN - all the news, all the time, with all the fluffy animal stories you can eat
Posted by: Magda (---.med.umich.edu)
Date: December 05, 2002 01:59PM
<HTML>Does <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml;$sessionid$4CXRFIWM1SQIPQFIQMGSFGGAVCBQWIV0?xml=/news/2002/11/10/wtrap10.xml&sSheet=/news/2002/11/10/ixworld.html">this</a> count?</HTML>
Re: TNN - all the news, all the time, with all the fluffy animal stories you can eat
Posted by: poetscientistdrinker (---.rdg.ac.uk)
Date: December 05, 2002 02:07PM
<HTML>Well, it's weird sh1t I suppose...</HTML>
Re: TNN - all the news, all the time, with all the fluffy animal stories you can eat
Posted by: Jon (---.abel.net.uk)
Date: December 05, 2002 02:10PM
<HTML>Them wacky Belgies, hey?</HTML>
Re: TNN - all the news, all the time, with all the fluffy animal stories you can eat
Posted by: Adam (212.137.30.---)
Date: December 05, 2002 03:11PM
<HTML>He got a Darwin Award for that.
You can't fault their beer though.</HTML>
You can't fault their beer though.</HTML>
Re: TNN - all the news, all the time, with all the fluffy animal stories you can eat
Posted by: Jon (---.abel.net.uk)
Date: December 05, 2002 03:15PM
<HTML>I agree about la biere ...wots a Darwin Award?</HTML>
Re: TNN - all the news, all the time, with all the fluffy animal stories you can eat
Posted by: poetscientistdrinker (---.rdg.ac.uk)
Date: December 05, 2002 03:17PM
<HTML>A Darwin Award is the highest honour to be bestowed upon a reproductively dead stupid person, usually post-humously; and always post-humorously.</HTML>
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