ThursdayNext : www.jasperfforde.com
A discussion of all things Thursday !
Old Jokes Home
Posted by: poetscientistdrinker (---.cache.pol.co.uk)
Date: January 22, 2003 11:55PM
<HTML>We all have old jokes that need somewhere quiet to live out their retirement, and this place seems as good as any. Therefore please leave any jokes you no longer have a use for in this thread....
And just to start:
Two parrots are sat on a perch. One turns to the other and says 'Can you smell fish round here?'</HTML>
And just to start:
Two parrots are sat on a perch. One turns to the other and says 'Can you smell fish round here?'</HTML>
Re: Old Jokes Home
Posted by: All-American-Cutie (---.dalect01.va.comcast.net)
Date: January 23, 2003 12:31AM
<HTML>okay, here goes: warning warning warning...it's REALLY bad
There was this guy who really wanted to learn to skydive, so off he goes to take lessons and then to his first jump.
The instructor goes through all the steps very carefully and makes the guy repeat and demonstrate each step. Satisfied with this, the instructor believes the guy is ready; however, there's one more thing he needs to know.
The instructor grabs the guy by the shoulders, looks into his eyes and gravely says, "If you've tried everything else and nothing is working, put your hands together and scream, 'Budha! Budha! Budha!' and you'll be saved."
The guy gives the instructor an incredulous look and with an edge of doubt says, "Uhhh, well then, okay..."
Excited and ready to go, the guy and his instructor take to the skies and ready themselves for the guy's first solo jump. At altitude, the door opens and the instructor urges the guy to the brink, ready to jump. Against the howl of the wind, he instructor yells in his ear, "Remember! BUDHA! BUDHA! BUDHA!" And with that, pushes the guy out of the plane.
Thoroughly enjoying the rush, the guy free-falls, watching the clouds and the beautiful scenery below. He checks his altimeter, realizing it's time to release the chute. He pulls the ripcord....nothing! Following the routine, he tugs at the secondary ripcord...still nothing! He even reaches over his head and tries to manually release the chute, but he can't get it free! He begins to panic! Then he remembers the instructor's final words. As he plummets to his impending doom and figuring it couldn't hurt, he screams out, "BUDHA! BUDHA! BUDHA!"
There's a pause, then suddenly gigantic hands open up below the guy and gently catch him and begin to lower him easily to the earth...Relieved, the guy breathes a big sigh and looks to the sky and says....
" Thank God!"
The giant hands suddenly and violently slap together!
(glad this one can be retired! Told you it was bad!)</HTML>
There was this guy who really wanted to learn to skydive, so off he goes to take lessons and then to his first jump.
The instructor goes through all the steps very carefully and makes the guy repeat and demonstrate each step. Satisfied with this, the instructor believes the guy is ready; however, there's one more thing he needs to know.
The instructor grabs the guy by the shoulders, looks into his eyes and gravely says, "If you've tried everything else and nothing is working, put your hands together and scream, 'Budha! Budha! Budha!' and you'll be saved."
The guy gives the instructor an incredulous look and with an edge of doubt says, "Uhhh, well then, okay..."
Excited and ready to go, the guy and his instructor take to the skies and ready themselves for the guy's first solo jump. At altitude, the door opens and the instructor urges the guy to the brink, ready to jump. Against the howl of the wind, he instructor yells in his ear, "Remember! BUDHA! BUDHA! BUDHA!" And with that, pushes the guy out of the plane.
Thoroughly enjoying the rush, the guy free-falls, watching the clouds and the beautiful scenery below. He checks his altimeter, realizing it's time to release the chute. He pulls the ripcord....nothing! Following the routine, he tugs at the secondary ripcord...still nothing! He even reaches over his head and tries to manually release the chute, but he can't get it free! He begins to panic! Then he remembers the instructor's final words. As he plummets to his impending doom and figuring it couldn't hurt, he screams out, "BUDHA! BUDHA! BUDHA!"
There's a pause, then suddenly gigantic hands open up below the guy and gently catch him and begin to lower him easily to the earth...Relieved, the guy breathes a big sigh and looks to the sky and says....
" Thank God!"
The giant hands suddenly and violently slap together!
(glad this one can be retired! Told you it was bad!)</HTML>
Re: Old Jokes Home
Posted by: jon (---.abel.net.uk)
Date: January 23, 2003 09:23AM
<HTML>Bob from (insert name of very rough area here - I'll say Kirkby) couldn't find work in the construction business at home, so he went off to New York to work on the post 9/11 clear-up.
One day Dubya came along to meet the workers, and they all line up to greet him. Dubya shakes hands and talks to each one;
"What's your name, son?"
"Joe, Mr. President."
"Where ya from, Joe?"
"Miami, Mr. President."
"Well it's good to know people from Florida are here helping New York. God bless you, son."
"What's your name, son?"
"Fred, Mr. President."
"Where ya from, Joe?"
"Sacramento, Mr. President."
"Well it's good to know people from California are here helping New York. God bless you, son."
He gets to Bob;
"What's your name, son?"
"Bob, Mr. President."
"Where ya from, Bob?"
"Kirkby, Mr. President."
"What state's Kirkby in, son?"
Bob looks round at the ruins, and says
"About the same state things are round here, Mr. President!"</HTML>
One day Dubya came along to meet the workers, and they all line up to greet him. Dubya shakes hands and talks to each one;
"What's your name, son?"
"Joe, Mr. President."
"Where ya from, Joe?"
"Miami, Mr. President."
"Well it's good to know people from Florida are here helping New York. God bless you, son."
"What's your name, son?"
"Fred, Mr. President."
"Where ya from, Joe?"
"Sacramento, Mr. President."
"Well it's good to know people from California are here helping New York. God bless you, son."
He gets to Bob;
"What's your name, son?"
"Bob, Mr. President."
"Where ya from, Bob?"
"Kirkby, Mr. President."
"What state's Kirkby in, son?"
Bob looks round at the ruins, and says
"About the same state things are round here, Mr. President!"</HTML>
Re: Old Jokes Home
Posted by: Sarah (---.vip.uk.com)
Date: January 23, 2003 04:23PM
<HTML>Every year, in the interest of furthering good inter-faith relations, Mgr O'Hare would get together a team of priests to play football against a team of rabbis organised by Rabbi Moskowitz. The occasion was always greatly looked forward to by both sides and their supporters, and this year everything seemed to be going completely according to plan until the priests' star striker, Fr Finnegan, broke his leg a week before the scheduled date for the match.
Mgr O'Hare called the rest of his squad together in a panic, but no matter how he juggled, he knew he could not replace Fr Finnegan. A replacement would have to be brought in, but nobody could think of another priest in the area who was both able and willing to play football, especially at such short notice. Mgr O'Hare was close to despair when Fr Macnamara, who was the goalkeeper, spoke up nervously.
"Er... monsignor," he said, "I rather hesitate to suggest this, because it wouldn't exactly be playing by the rules, but I think perhaps I ought to mention that Paolo Di Canio is a member of my congregation."
Mgr O'Hare stared at him. "Well, for the love of Mike, Ronan, why didn't ye mention that before? Get him a spare clerical collar and we'll pass him off as Fr Di Canio. After all, he's suspended at the moment, but there's nothing to stop him playing in a friendly."
"Disgusting!" muttered some, and "Most unsportsmanlike!" murmured others, and all agreed that it was absolutely the only thing to do.
So it was settled. Paolo Di Canio proved most amenable, saying it would keep him in match practice, and he was accordingly provided with a dog collar and a team strip. Mgr O'Hare rubbed his hands as he thought of the victory which would certainly be his; yet, sadly, the day before the match, he discovered that he would not after all be there to watch it. An elderly aunt had died over in Co Wicklow, and he was obliged to be at the funeral. Therefore, leaving Fr Macnamara in charge of proceedings as player-coach, he departed on the plane to Ireland in confident expectation of hearing something to cheer him up when he returned.
The day after the match, Mgr O'Hare rang Fr Macnamara to find out how the match had gone. After a few polite questions about the funeral, Fr Macnamara said cautiously, "Well, 'Fr Di Canio' was a great success, Monsignor."
"Did he score?" asked Mgr O'Hare, excitedly.
"Oh, yes, he scored. Magnificent goal. They'll be talking about that one for years to come. I had my housekeeper video the match, so you'll see for yourself."
"So we won, then?" asked the senior priest.
"Um, no, er, not exactly <i>won,</i> Monsignor. Er, more like lost, in fact."
"Lost? <i>Lost?!</i> What was the score, then?"
"2-1," admitted Fr Macnamara unhappily. "But really, Monsignor, they were excellent goals too, you can't possibly blame me or the defence for them..."
"Ronan," interrupted Mgr O'Hare authoritatively, "stop arguing. Just tell me this. Who the blazes has Moskowitz got that can score two goals against a defence like ours?"
"Rabbi Henry and Rabbi Hasselbaink," replied Fr Macnamara.</HTML>
Mgr O'Hare called the rest of his squad together in a panic, but no matter how he juggled, he knew he could not replace Fr Finnegan. A replacement would have to be brought in, but nobody could think of another priest in the area who was both able and willing to play football, especially at such short notice. Mgr O'Hare was close to despair when Fr Macnamara, who was the goalkeeper, spoke up nervously.
"Er... monsignor," he said, "I rather hesitate to suggest this, because it wouldn't exactly be playing by the rules, but I think perhaps I ought to mention that Paolo Di Canio is a member of my congregation."
Mgr O'Hare stared at him. "Well, for the love of Mike, Ronan, why didn't ye mention that before? Get him a spare clerical collar and we'll pass him off as Fr Di Canio. After all, he's suspended at the moment, but there's nothing to stop him playing in a friendly."
"Disgusting!" muttered some, and "Most unsportsmanlike!" murmured others, and all agreed that it was absolutely the only thing to do.
So it was settled. Paolo Di Canio proved most amenable, saying it would keep him in match practice, and he was accordingly provided with a dog collar and a team strip. Mgr O'Hare rubbed his hands as he thought of the victory which would certainly be his; yet, sadly, the day before the match, he discovered that he would not after all be there to watch it. An elderly aunt had died over in Co Wicklow, and he was obliged to be at the funeral. Therefore, leaving Fr Macnamara in charge of proceedings as player-coach, he departed on the plane to Ireland in confident expectation of hearing something to cheer him up when he returned.
The day after the match, Mgr O'Hare rang Fr Macnamara to find out how the match had gone. After a few polite questions about the funeral, Fr Macnamara said cautiously, "Well, 'Fr Di Canio' was a great success, Monsignor."
"Did he score?" asked Mgr O'Hare, excitedly.
"Oh, yes, he scored. Magnificent goal. They'll be talking about that one for years to come. I had my housekeeper video the match, so you'll see for yourself."
"So we won, then?" asked the senior priest.
"Um, no, er, not exactly <i>won,</i> Monsignor. Er, more like lost, in fact."
"Lost? <i>Lost?!</i> What was the score, then?"
"2-1," admitted Fr Macnamara unhappily. "But really, Monsignor, they were excellent goals too, you can't possibly blame me or the defence for them..."
"Ronan," interrupted Mgr O'Hare authoritatively, "stop arguing. Just tell me this. Who the blazes has Moskowitz got that can score two goals against a defence like ours?"
"Rabbi Henry and Rabbi Hasselbaink," replied Fr Macnamara.</HTML>
Re: Old Jokes Home
Posted by: Ooktavia (---.in-addr.btopenworld.com)
Date: January 23, 2003 06:30PM
<HTML>
There's a man on the ledge of a cliff. I don't know how he got there, seeing as he can't climb up from the ledge and he can't climb down either. The cliff ledge is small, and the man is tired. He is sourrounded by fog, and is in despair.
"God help me. Is there anyone up there?" he calls. And LO!! A Heavenly voice responds:
"I am here, My Child. What is your distress??"
"Well, there's this ledge, and......"
"Trust Me, My Son. Throw yourself into the Everlasting Arms, and the angels will bear you up. Jump!"
There is a pause.
Finally, the ledge-located man reaches a descision. "Is there anyone *else* up there?" he calls.</HTML>
There's a man on the ledge of a cliff. I don't know how he got there, seeing as he can't climb up from the ledge and he can't climb down either. The cliff ledge is small, and the man is tired. He is sourrounded by fog, and is in despair.
"God help me. Is there anyone up there?" he calls. And LO!! A Heavenly voice responds:
"I am here, My Child. What is your distress??"
"Well, there's this ledge, and......"
"Trust Me, My Son. Throw yourself into the Everlasting Arms, and the angels will bear you up. Jump!"
There is a pause.
Finally, the ledge-located man reaches a descision. "Is there anyone *else* up there?" he calls.</HTML>
Re: Old Jokes Home
Posted by: poetscientistdrinker (---.rdg.ac.uk)
Date: January 24, 2003 10:24AM
<HTML>There's another one like that.
There's a Scotsman, an American and a Palestinian on top of a skyscraper. The Palestinian announces that the updraft is so strong you can step off the building and float.
"Get away!" says the Scotsman.
"No - it's perfectly true," retorts the Palestinian, and before anybody can stop him he hurls himself off the building and disappears. The Scotsman rushes over to se him plummet to his death, and is astounded to see the Palestinian floating back up towards him.
"Hoots mon! I'll have to try this for maeself!" says ther Scotsman, and he steps off - and promptly plummets to his death.
The American, who has been watching the whole thing disinterestedly, waits for the screaming of the Scotsman to stop, looks up at the floating Palestinian and says "You know, for the Archangel Gabriel you ain't half a b**tard..."</HTML>
There's a Scotsman, an American and a Palestinian on top of a skyscraper. The Palestinian announces that the updraft is so strong you can step off the building and float.
"Get away!" says the Scotsman.
"No - it's perfectly true," retorts the Palestinian, and before anybody can stop him he hurls himself off the building and disappears. The Scotsman rushes over to se him plummet to his death, and is astounded to see the Palestinian floating back up towards him.
"Hoots mon! I'll have to try this for maeself!" says ther Scotsman, and he steps off - and promptly plummets to his death.
The American, who has been watching the whole thing disinterestedly, waits for the screaming of the Scotsman to stop, looks up at the floating Palestinian and says "You know, for the Archangel Gabriel you ain't half a b**tard..."</HTML>
Re: Old Jokes Home
Posted by: Adam (212.137.30.---)
Date: January 24, 2003 01:57PM
<HTML>Q. What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A. A cloud.
Q. What do you call scouser in a suit?
A. The accused.
(For our foreign viewers a scouser is somebody from Liverpool, who are sterotypically seen as thieves and scumbags, especially by Man U supporters)</HTML>
A. A cloud.
Q. What do you call scouser in a suit?
A. The accused.
(For our foreign viewers a scouser is somebody from Liverpool, who are sterotypically seen as thieves and scumbags, especially by Man U supporters)</HTML>
Re: Old Jokes Home
Posted by: fuzz (---.cableinet.co.uk)
Date: January 24, 2003 03:28PM
<HTML>Again, for our foreign viewers, Man U supporters are difficult to classify but generally share one trait. They don't live anywhere near Manchester. ;~P
And my contribution:
Q: What do you call a fly with no wings?
A: A Walk.
Q: What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs?
A: A current.</HTML>
And my contribution:
Q: What do you call a fly with no wings?
A: A Walk.
Q: What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs?
A: A current.</HTML>
Re: Old Jokes Home
Posted by: Rob (---.leeds.ac.uk)
Date: January 24, 2003 03:35PM
<HTML>Isn't that a <i>currant</i> ?
<i>Current</i> is very different. Very now.
I should add a small contribution:
Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, 'Do you know how to drive this thing ?'
Did you heard about the magic tractor ?
It was going down the road and turned into a field.</HTML>
<i>Current</i> is very different. Very now.
I should add a small contribution:
Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, 'Do you know how to drive this thing ?'
Did you heard about the magic tractor ?
It was going down the road and turned into a field.</HTML>
Re: Old Jokes Home
Posted by: poetscientistdrinker (---.rdg.ac.uk)
Date: January 24, 2003 03:38PM
<HTML>Fastest cake in the world? 'Scone...</HTML>
Re: Old Jokes Home
Posted by: Rob (---.leeds.ac.uk)
Date: January 24, 2003 04:02PM
<HTML>It's Friday afternoon, you've time for a shaggy dog story...
There's these two French Legionnaires in
the desert, and they've been separated
from their unit and are lost. They've been
wandering for several days without food
and water, and are nearly resigned to the
fact that they will soon die from
dehydration, when as they reach the top
of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling
market laid out before them. Naturally,
they can't believe their eyes and think it's
a mirage, but as they draw closer, they
can hear the stallholders' cries, and they
eventually reach the market and realise
that it's really there.
So the legionnaires rush up to the first
stall they can and cry to the stallholder,
"Stallholder, we have been travelling in the
desert for many days, and have had no
food or water. We shall surely die soon
unless you have some you can sell us -
tell us, do you have any sustenance for
us?" The stallholder shook his head and
replied "I'm sorry, french legionnaire type
people, but all I have to sell is a load of
bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and
cream, and lovingly sprinkled with
hundreds and thousands."
The legionnaires look at each other, mildly
surprised, and move on to the next stall,
where they ask the stallholder, "Mr
purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we
have been travelling through the desert for
days, deprived of the necessary beverages
and foodstuffs which are required for
survival. We shall surely die soon, unless
you can sell us some skins of water."
The stallholder looked at them
embarassed, and confessed "Gentlemen,
tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the
ingredients necessary to life for which you
ask me...all I have to sell is this large bowl
of jelly topped with custard and cream
and sprinkled with hundereds and
thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in
the middle at the top - there," he said,
pointing out the glace cherry. "I cannot
help you.." The legionnaires look at each
other in desparation, and run on to the
next stall, where they demand of the
stallholder, "Look mate," (cos they'd
stopped talking funny all of a sudden) "we
need water or we'll die. We've been
travelling without water for days and need
some now. Do you have any you can sell
us?"
The stallholder looked at his curl-ended
shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry,
fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of
jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds
and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have
to condemn you to a long and lingering
death through dehydration."
The legionnaires were really worried by
this point, and they went through the
market, stall by stall, asking each
stallholder whether they had any water
they could sell them, and thus save their
lives, but each stallholder gave the same
reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of
jelly with cream, custard and hundreds
and thousands.
Dejected and resigned to their grim fate,
the legionnaires left the desert market and
walked off into the setting sun. As they
did so, one turned to the other and said,
"That was really odd - a big market in the
middle of nowhere, and all they sold was
bowls of jelly with custard, cream and
hundreds and thousands." The other
faced his companion and said: "Yes, if you
ask me it was a trifle bazaar"</HTML>
There's these two French Legionnaires in
the desert, and they've been separated
from their unit and are lost. They've been
wandering for several days without food
and water, and are nearly resigned to the
fact that they will soon die from
dehydration, when as they reach the top
of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling
market laid out before them. Naturally,
they can't believe their eyes and think it's
a mirage, but as they draw closer, they
can hear the stallholders' cries, and they
eventually reach the market and realise
that it's really there.
So the legionnaires rush up to the first
stall they can and cry to the stallholder,
"Stallholder, we have been travelling in the
desert for many days, and have had no
food or water. We shall surely die soon
unless you have some you can sell us -
tell us, do you have any sustenance for
us?" The stallholder shook his head and
replied "I'm sorry, french legionnaire type
people, but all I have to sell is a load of
bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and
cream, and lovingly sprinkled with
hundreds and thousands."
The legionnaires look at each other, mildly
surprised, and move on to the next stall,
where they ask the stallholder, "Mr
purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we
have been travelling through the desert for
days, deprived of the necessary beverages
and foodstuffs which are required for
survival. We shall surely die soon, unless
you can sell us some skins of water."
The stallholder looked at them
embarassed, and confessed "Gentlemen,
tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the
ingredients necessary to life for which you
ask me...all I have to sell is this large bowl
of jelly topped with custard and cream
and sprinkled with hundereds and
thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in
the middle at the top - there," he said,
pointing out the glace cherry. "I cannot
help you.." The legionnaires look at each
other in desparation, and run on to the
next stall, where they demand of the
stallholder, "Look mate," (cos they'd
stopped talking funny all of a sudden) "we
need water or we'll die. We've been
travelling without water for days and need
some now. Do you have any you can sell
us?"
The stallholder looked at his curl-ended
shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry,
fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of
jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds
and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have
to condemn you to a long and lingering
death through dehydration."
The legionnaires were really worried by
this point, and they went through the
market, stall by stall, asking each
stallholder whether they had any water
they could sell them, and thus save their
lives, but each stallholder gave the same
reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of
jelly with cream, custard and hundreds
and thousands.
Dejected and resigned to their grim fate,
the legionnaires left the desert market and
walked off into the setting sun. As they
did so, one turned to the other and said,
"That was really odd - a big market in the
middle of nowhere, and all they sold was
bowls of jelly with custard, cream and
hundreds and thousands." The other
faced his companion and said: "Yes, if you
ask me it was a trifle bazaar"</HTML>
Re: Old Jokes Home
Posted by: jon (---.abel.net.uk)
Date: January 24, 2003 04:03PM
<HTML>What do you call a chicken in a shell-suit?
An egg.</HTML>
An egg.</HTML>
Re: Old Jokes Home
Posted by: Tim Jeffries (---.oundle.co.uk)
Date: January 24, 2003 04:27PM
<HTML>Okay. So. One man walks into a pub, and marches up to the bar. Fred (for 'twas his name) has one very distinguishing characteristic - namely, that he has a rather large, but absolutely delicious looking, steak and kidney pie balanced on his head. Fred says to the bartender, 'Bartender, I will have a pint of your finest ale, and a steak and kidney pie, if you please.'
Martin, the landlord, starts pulling him a drink, but while he is doing this, he asks, 'Certainly sir, but, if you don't mind my questioning, may I ask why you wish to purchase a pie from us, when you already have a pie (that does indeed look delicious) balanced on your head. More to the point, why do you have a pie balanced on your head at all?' [He pronounced the brackets so ruthlessly and efficiently that a lot of people barely noticed they were there at all. Damnedly clever.]
To this, Fred replies simply, 'Well, I always carry a pie around with me on a Tuesday, and I find that this is the most efficient place to keep it. I would eat it, but then I would have no pie to carry around for the rest of the day (it is, after all, barely gone 1 o'clock).' [Fred, unfortunately, was not quite such a proficient bracket speaker, and the flow of his speech was sadly broken up entirely. Many people thought, as did Fred in retrospect, that it would have been better to leave the brackets out entirely.]
Martin is left, following this, with no answer, but only a question (and, admittedly, rather an obvious one): 'But sir, today is not a Tuesday, but a Friday.' (As it was when these events took place.)
Fred mused on this for a while, and sipped his beer looking worried. After a minute or so, he looked up, and from his mouth came the words: 'Oh golly! I must look like a right old silly-billy!'</HTML>
Martin, the landlord, starts pulling him a drink, but while he is doing this, he asks, 'Certainly sir, but, if you don't mind my questioning, may I ask why you wish to purchase a pie from us, when you already have a pie (that does indeed look delicious) balanced on your head. More to the point, why do you have a pie balanced on your head at all?' [He pronounced the brackets so ruthlessly and efficiently that a lot of people barely noticed they were there at all. Damnedly clever.]
To this, Fred replies simply, 'Well, I always carry a pie around with me on a Tuesday, and I find that this is the most efficient place to keep it. I would eat it, but then I would have no pie to carry around for the rest of the day (it is, after all, barely gone 1 o'clock).' [Fred, unfortunately, was not quite such a proficient bracket speaker, and the flow of his speech was sadly broken up entirely. Many people thought, as did Fred in retrospect, that it would have been better to leave the brackets out entirely.]
Martin is left, following this, with no answer, but only a question (and, admittedly, rather an obvious one): 'But sir, today is not a Tuesday, but a Friday.' (As it was when these events took place.)
Fred mused on this for a while, and sipped his beer looking worried. After a minute or so, he looked up, and from his mouth came the words: 'Oh golly! I must look like a right old silly-billy!'</HTML>
Re: Old Jokes Home
Posted by: Tim Jeffries (---.oundle.co.uk)
Date: January 24, 2003 04:47PM
<HTML>And number two from me:
Once upon a time, a panda escaped from the zoo. Naturally he wanted to run wild for a while, so he starts by stealing a police car. He then drives up to the kerb outside a pub, opens the door, and walks in. He approaches the bar, looks at the price list, shakes his head and turns and walks away. He moves over to a table by the window, and sits there awhile, reading the copy of The Toad that gets provided in all good eateries.
After ten minutes or so, he suddenly reaches over and grabs the plate of toast and mouse the man sitting on the adjacent table has just received. [This joke is indeed sponsored by the Toast Marketing Board, and it is an interesting statistic that a mere 0.00032% of people enjoy this rare delicacy as a topping.] The panda, known to his friends as Andy, started devouring this meal, and finishes fairly quickly. The man, Bob, is quite rightly a bit irritated by the whole proceedings, but nobody really wants to argue with a great big panda, do they?
So, as I said, the panda finished his meal, and the other patrons suddenly hunch over their plates, fearing that theirs might just be the next to go. But they have no need to worry. Andy simply gets up, and walks towards the door. Just before he exits, however, he puts his finger near is mouth, as one does when one has just remembered something, and turns around to face the barman. He pulls out a gun, that he has somehow managed to smuggle in with him, and suddenly shoots the barman in the face six times (for, as we all know, six bullets is all he had). Only now does he finally walk out of the door.The customers are really getting a bit angry now. Not only has one of them had his food stolen, but the barman is now dead, and there i no way of getting any more beer. One of the brave customers finally picks up his courage, runs outside, and catches up with Andy just before he drives off.
'Now look here,' said Barry (this was, after all, his name), 'You can't just go around shooting people and stealing people's food! That's just not how the human world works.'
To this, Andy cryptically replies, in that deep husky voice that most pandas have, 'Just you look me up in the dictionary.' He then gets back into his car and drives off at a moderate speed.
Barry does indeed take out his dictionary as soon as he returns home to his wife and two children, as do all the other customers, once Barry has told them the panda's reply. He looks up the definition of panda, to read:
Panda - Large black and white Chinese mammal. Eats shoots and leaves.</HTML>
Once upon a time, a panda escaped from the zoo. Naturally he wanted to run wild for a while, so he starts by stealing a police car. He then drives up to the kerb outside a pub, opens the door, and walks in. He approaches the bar, looks at the price list, shakes his head and turns and walks away. He moves over to a table by the window, and sits there awhile, reading the copy of The Toad that gets provided in all good eateries.
After ten minutes or so, he suddenly reaches over and grabs the plate of toast and mouse the man sitting on the adjacent table has just received. [This joke is indeed sponsored by the Toast Marketing Board, and it is an interesting statistic that a mere 0.00032% of people enjoy this rare delicacy as a topping.] The panda, known to his friends as Andy, started devouring this meal, and finishes fairly quickly. The man, Bob, is quite rightly a bit irritated by the whole proceedings, but nobody really wants to argue with a great big panda, do they?
So, as I said, the panda finished his meal, and the other patrons suddenly hunch over their plates, fearing that theirs might just be the next to go. But they have no need to worry. Andy simply gets up, and walks towards the door. Just before he exits, however, he puts his finger near is mouth, as one does when one has just remembered something, and turns around to face the barman. He pulls out a gun, that he has somehow managed to smuggle in with him, and suddenly shoots the barman in the face six times (for, as we all know, six bullets is all he had). Only now does he finally walk out of the door.The customers are really getting a bit angry now. Not only has one of them had his food stolen, but the barman is now dead, and there i no way of getting any more beer. One of the brave customers finally picks up his courage, runs outside, and catches up with Andy just before he drives off.
'Now look here,' said Barry (this was, after all, his name), 'You can't just go around shooting people and stealing people's food! That's just not how the human world works.'
To this, Andy cryptically replies, in that deep husky voice that most pandas have, 'Just you look me up in the dictionary.' He then gets back into his car and drives off at a moderate speed.
Barry does indeed take out his dictionary as soon as he returns home to his wife and two children, as do all the other customers, once Barry has told them the panda's reply. He looks up the definition of panda, to read:
Panda - Large black and white Chinese mammal. Eats shoots and leaves.</HTML>
Re: Old Jokes Home
Posted by: Gill Neal (---.proxy.aol.com)
Date: January 24, 2003 05:04PM
<HTML>In the Bits of Road Pub things were very quite.
The Door slams open all the rocks and peebles looked round. There in the door way was the biggest, Blackest piece of Bituman any of them had ever seen. It strides up to the bar demands a Guiness, glares around and says 'I'm the biggest and strongest, meanest piece of A Road (main road) and I'll take all of you on'. Everyone goes quiet and then they carry on drinking.
Two minutes later the door slams open again an even bigger, Blacker piece of Bituman come in. It strides menacingly up to the bar demands a pint of bitter, glares around and says 'I'm the biggest and strongest piece of Duel Carriage Way (two lane road). and I'll take all of you on'.Especially you (to the A road) Again everyone goes quiet and then they carry on drinking.
A while later the door slams open again an even bigger, blacker piece of Bituman come in. It muscles up to the A road and the Duel Carriage Way and says 'I'm the biggest and strongest piece of Motorway (three lane road). and I'll take all of you on'. Especially you two.
The three big bits of road are locked in a Mexican Stand Off itching to fight when the door quietly opens a small piece of pink road shuffles up to the bar and orders a lemonade. The big 3 all shut up and edge away.
The barman is puzzled by the behaviour and asks the 3 'If you're so big and brave why aren't you picking on the pink road?'
'Shut up!' they chorus 'he'll hear you and he's a real cyclepath'
----------------------
On the same track.....
The jelly baby and the liquorice allsort were having a quiet drink when a toffee comes up to them and challenges them to a fight. Being soft they try to get out of it when a Tune (throat sweet) comes in. The toffee runs away and hides.
The jelly baby decides to heckle him about it and says ' If you're so brave why not pick on the Tune?.
'You're joking aren't you? He's Menthol. (sorry)
What do you call a deer without eyes?
No eye deer
What do you call a deer without eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer</HTML>
The Door slams open all the rocks and peebles looked round. There in the door way was the biggest, Blackest piece of Bituman any of them had ever seen. It strides up to the bar demands a Guiness, glares around and says 'I'm the biggest and strongest, meanest piece of A Road (main road) and I'll take all of you on'. Everyone goes quiet and then they carry on drinking.
Two minutes later the door slams open again an even bigger, Blacker piece of Bituman come in. It strides menacingly up to the bar demands a pint of bitter, glares around and says 'I'm the biggest and strongest piece of Duel Carriage Way (two lane road). and I'll take all of you on'.Especially you (to the A road) Again everyone goes quiet and then they carry on drinking.
A while later the door slams open again an even bigger, blacker piece of Bituman come in. It muscles up to the A road and the Duel Carriage Way and says 'I'm the biggest and strongest piece of Motorway (three lane road). and I'll take all of you on'. Especially you two.
The three big bits of road are locked in a Mexican Stand Off itching to fight when the door quietly opens a small piece of pink road shuffles up to the bar and orders a lemonade. The big 3 all shut up and edge away.
The barman is puzzled by the behaviour and asks the 3 'If you're so big and brave why aren't you picking on the pink road?'
'Shut up!' they chorus 'he'll hear you and he's a real cyclepath'
----------------------
On the same track.....
The jelly baby and the liquorice allsort were having a quiet drink when a toffee comes up to them and challenges them to a fight. Being soft they try to get out of it when a Tune (throat sweet) comes in. The toffee runs away and hides.
The jelly baby decides to heckle him about it and says ' If you're so brave why not pick on the Tune?.
'You're joking aren't you? He's Menthol. (sorry)
What do you call a deer without eyes?
No eye deer
What do you call a deer without eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer</HTML>
Re: Old Jokes Home
Posted by: poetscientistdrinker (---.cache.pol.co.uk)
Date: January 24, 2003 07:09PM
<HTML>What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? A Doyouthinkhesaurus....
And Rob, are you sure there wasn't meant to be a deserting joke in there somewhere?</HTML>
And Rob, are you sure there wasn't meant to be a deserting joke in there somewhere?</HTML>
Re: Old Jokes Home
Posted by: Sarah B (---.cableinet.co.uk)
Date: January 24, 2003 09:59PM
<HTML>A man walked in to a bar.
Ouch.
_______________
(Bad, huh?)
_______________
There were these two men, Fred and Bill, and they were stranded in the Sahara Desert. They'd been walking for days, without food or water, and by now they were absolutely starving.
Suddenly, Fred spotted a tree up ahead.
"Bill!" he exclaimed. "It's a Pork Pie Tree!" Bill was amazed.
"It's our salvation!" he said. "You stay here, and I'll go get the pork pies."
So, Fred stayed put and Bill wandered off to the tree.
A few minutes later, Bill came staggerring back with no Pork Pie and an arrow through his hat.
"Good gracious!" said Fred. "What happened to you?" Bill sighed.
"That was no Pork Pie Tree." He said. "That was an 'am bush."
_________________
(Worse, huh?)
_________________
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
_________________
What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
_________________
What's large, green, has six legs and if it falls out of a tree onto you it'll kill you?
A snooker table.
_________________
(Well I didn't say they got any better)</HTML>
Ouch.
_______________
(Bad, huh?)
_______________
There were these two men, Fred and Bill, and they were stranded in the Sahara Desert. They'd been walking for days, without food or water, and by now they were absolutely starving.
Suddenly, Fred spotted a tree up ahead.
"Bill!" he exclaimed. "It's a Pork Pie Tree!" Bill was amazed.
"It's our salvation!" he said. "You stay here, and I'll go get the pork pies."
So, Fred stayed put and Bill wandered off to the tree.
A few minutes later, Bill came staggerring back with no Pork Pie and an arrow through his hat.
"Good gracious!" said Fred. "What happened to you?" Bill sighed.
"That was no Pork Pie Tree." He said. "That was an 'am bush."
_________________
(Worse, huh?)
_________________
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
_________________
What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
_________________
What's large, green, has six legs and if it falls out of a tree onto you it'll kill you?
A snooker table.
_________________
(Well I didn't say they got any better)</HTML>
Re: Old Jokes Home
Posted by: Ooktavia (---.in-addr.btopenworld.com)
Date: January 24, 2003 11:51PM
<HTML>What's green and slimy and eats nuts?
Syphillis.
How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
It depends on how thinly you slice them.
Why are women so bad at parking?
Because for centuries men have been telling us that *this* (hold finger and thumb 5 inches apart) in 9 inches!!
I shall now go away and look for the extended list of lightbulb jokes I wrote for the Rag Magazine I wrote when I was Rag Mag editor at UNI.
Be very afraid............ ;-)</HTML>
Syphillis.
How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
It depends on how thinly you slice them.
Why are women so bad at parking?
Because for centuries men have been telling us that *this* (hold finger and thumb 5 inches apart) in 9 inches!!
I shall now go away and look for the extended list of lightbulb jokes I wrote for the Rag Magazine I wrote when I was Rag Mag editor at UNI.
Be very afraid............ ;-)</HTML>
Re: Old Jokes Home
Posted by: poetscientistdrinker (---.cache.pol.co.uk)
Date: January 24, 2003 11:54PM
<HTML>I could show you what nine inches looks like...
Except I left my ruler downstairs... (the oldest one in the book)</HTML>
Except I left my ruler downstairs... (the oldest one in the book)</HTML>
Re: Old Jokes Home
Posted by: Ooktavia (---.in-addr.btopenworld.com)
Date: January 25, 2003 10:36PM
<HTML>What is Queen Elizabeth II doing in your downstairs? I mean, downstairs in your HOUSE, obviously....</HTML>
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