ThursdayNext : www.jasperfforde.com
A discussion of all things Thursday !
Re: Old Jokes Home
Posted by: All-American-Cutie (---.dalect01.va.comcast.net)
Date: January 25, 2003 11:21PM
<HTML>must be a big house...cuz that's a big ship!</HTML>
Re: Old Jokes Home
Posted by: poetscientistdrinker (---.cache.pol.co.uk)
Date: January 26, 2003 12:13AM
<HTML>Hehe, I won't put my immediate comment on here, I don't want to shock you all...
ps - ook - you dirty minded young lady...</HTML>
ps - ook - you dirty minded young lady...</HTML>
Re: Old Jokes Home
Posted by: Jon (---.proxy.aol.com)
Date: January 26, 2003 04:14PM
<HTML>The story goes that after the General Election of 1979, the leader of the winning Tory party, a certain Mrs. M. Thatcher, went to Buckingham Palace to be officially sworn in (and not at, as was often the case).
Thatch curtseyed to her Maj, and said;
"May I humbly petition Your Gracious Majesty to appoint me as your loyal Prime Minister and First Lord of the Treasury?"
Liz gave a big sigh of relief, and replied
"Thank God for that, I thought you were after my job!"
-----------------------------------------------------
The Queen Mother arrives at the Pearly gates. St. Peter says, "I've got some good news and some bad news.The good news is that you've been a good girl and you can come into heaven. The bad news is that Princess Margaret has already drunk the place dry."</HTML>
Thatch curtseyed to her Maj, and said;
"May I humbly petition Your Gracious Majesty to appoint me as your loyal Prime Minister and First Lord of the Treasury?"
Liz gave a big sigh of relief, and replied
"Thank God for that, I thought you were after my job!"
-----------------------------------------------------
The Queen Mother arrives at the Pearly gates. St. Peter says, "I've got some good news and some bad news.The good news is that you've been a good girl and you can come into heaven. The bad news is that Princess Margaret has already drunk the place dry."</HTML>
Re: Old Jokes Home
Posted by: Ooktavia (---.in-addr.btopenworld.com)
Date: January 26, 2003 06:52PM
<HTML>
I am NOT a young lady. Despite my mother's best efforts, all that can be said for me is I am a not-yet-older woman.
(And you think I have a dirty mind now? You should have met me before I worked in the library of the Institute of Petroleum) :-)</HTML>
I am NOT a young lady. Despite my mother's best efforts, all that can be said for me is I am a not-yet-older woman.
(And you think I have a dirty mind now? You should have met me before I worked in the library of the Institute of Petroleum) :-)</HTML>
Re: Old Jokes Home
Posted by: Gill Neal (---.proxy.aol.com)
Date: January 27, 2003 07:06PM
<HTML>A man buys a hamster, by the next day it's dead. He takes it back to the pet shop and demands his money back.
The shop keeper gives him a refund but suggest that instead of burying Hammy he should make jam with the little fellow, he gives him the recipe and bids him good day.
The man makes the jam as instructed but when he tastes it, it's vile, he empties it on the garden and goes about his business.
Next morning while looking at the spot where the jam landed a beautiful rose bush has sprung up with the most dazzling blooms he's ever seen.
He runs to the pet shop and tells the propietor what happened.
'That's funny he replied, I thought you only got tulips from hamster jam'
----------
A man called his dog with no legs Woodbine, every night he takes him out for a drag.</HTML>
The shop keeper gives him a refund but suggest that instead of burying Hammy he should make jam with the little fellow, he gives him the recipe and bids him good day.
The man makes the jam as instructed but when he tastes it, it's vile, he empties it on the garden and goes about his business.
Next morning while looking at the spot where the jam landed a beautiful rose bush has sprung up with the most dazzling blooms he's ever seen.
He runs to the pet shop and tells the propietor what happened.
'That's funny he replied, I thought you only got tulips from hamster jam'
----------
A man called his dog with no legs Woodbine, every night he takes him out for a drag.</HTML>
Re: Old Jokes Home
Posted by: Ooktavia (---.in-addr.btopenworld.com)
Date: January 27, 2003 08:57PM
<HTML>
Must .... resist...... Fairy Liquid joke..... Nnnnnnn.....</HTML>
Must .... resist...... Fairy Liquid joke..... Nnnnnnn.....</HTML>
Re: Old Jokes Home
Posted by: Jon (---.proxy.aol.com)
Date: January 27, 2003 09:00PM
<HTML>Mummy, Mummy, why do I keep running in circles?
Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.</HTML>
Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.</HTML>
Librarians
Posted by: dave (---.addleshaw-booth.co.uk)
Date: January 28, 2003 01:38PM
<HTML>how many other librarians/ex-librarians are there on the fforum then?
I'm one. Ex-law librarian. Ex-student uni library assistant, ex-public library gofer.</HTML>
I'm one. Ex-law librarian. Ex-student uni library assistant, ex-public library gofer.</HTML>
Re: Librarians
Posted by: Rob (---.leeds.ac.uk)
Date: January 28, 2003 01:50PM
<HTML>Ook: We could tell it in installments.
There was this really placid squid who wandered round peacefully not annoying
anyone. What colour was he ?
(Is this the one you meant ?)</HTML>
There was this really placid squid who wandered round peacefully not annoying
anyone. What colour was he ?
(Is this the one you meant ?)</HTML>
Re: Librarians
Posted by: Ooktavia (---.in-addr.btopenworld.com)
Date: January 28, 2003 03:01PM
<HTML>Wearing a moustash?? Oh, yes. And one day, he was caught by a fisherman......
I am an ex-librarian!! Soon not to be ex, hopefully!</HTML>
I am an ex-librarian!! Soon not to be ex, hopefully!</HTML>
Re: Librarians
Posted by: Rob Johnson (---.leeds.ac.uk)
Date: January 28, 2003 03:31PM
<HTML>He was <font color="green">green</font> if I recall.
Never been a librarian, myself.</HTML>
Never been a librarian, myself.</HTML>
Re: Librarians
Posted by: dave (---.addleshaw-booth.co.uk)
Date: January 28, 2003 04:46PM
<HTML>the fisherman? Or the squid?</HTML>
Re: Librarians
Posted by: Rob Johnson (---.leeds.ac.uk)
Date: January 28, 2003 05:13PM
<HTML>The squid silly.
Come on, we've given you enough bits now to cobble together a punch line.
Especially given it's the 'Fairy Liquid' joke.
What did the fisherman say he'd caught ?
I'm off home now so will leave you to sweat it out overnight unless
Ooktavia's kind to you. (Ook: I wouldn't, if I were you.)</HTML>
Come on, we've given you enough bits now to cobble together a punch line.
Especially given it's the 'Fairy Liquid' joke.
What did the fisherman say he'd caught ?
I'm off home now so will leave you to sweat it out overnight unless
Ooktavia's kind to you. (Ook: I wouldn't, if I were you.)</HTML>
Re: Librarians
Posted by: dave (---.addleshaw-booth.co.uk)
Date: January 28, 2003 05:20PM
<HTML>oh no. Surely not a hairy lipped squid? of the mild, green variety?</HTML>
Re: Librarians
Posted by: poetscientistdrinker (---.cache.pol.co.uk)
Date: January 28, 2003 07:35PM
<HTML>Right, that's it. If we're telling jokes that bad, i have no option other than to tell the Famous French Fighter Pilot joke.....
(For added accuracy, imagine me doing the actions, in a pub in Bristol, in a dodgy French accent, with Bea trying very hard not to choke to death)
Pierre (ze bravest, ze most magnificent, ze best endowed member of ze French airforce), has gone for a picnic, avec his latest conquest - Michelle.
Michelle has been overwhelmed by this magnificent gesture, and she cannot help herself - "Ooh, Pierre, you are so romantique. Kiss me on ze lips"
And Pierre, desperate to perform, grabs Michelle wildly, and moves to kiss her. Grabbing her by the waist he swings her round as moves to kiss her like she's never been kissed before. And as their lips move together, he stops.
"Michelle, zer is something I must do."
"Ooh, Pierre? What can stop zis moment of passion?"
Before she gets her reply, Pirre reaches over, rips the cork off a bottle of red with his teeth, splashes it over the poor girls lips, and gets stuck in.
After they come up for air, Michelle says: "Ooh, ooh, Pierre. Zat was so romantic. But why ze red wine?"
"I am Pierre, ze famous French fighter pilot - when I have ze red meat, I drink ze red wine."
"Ooh la la, Pierre, kiss me lower..."
Just like before, the randy pilot reaches over to the hamper, rips the cork out of a bottle - although this time it's white. After splashing it over her tits, he gets stuck into her breasts...
"Ooh, Ooh, Pierre, your tongue is so good, but why ze white wine?"
"I am Pierre, ze greatest fighter pilot in France. When Pierre has white meat, he must have ze white wine..."
"Ooh, Pierre, kiss me lower still.."
Pierre reaches over to the hamper and produces a bottle of Cognac. He rips the French maiden's knickers off with his teeth. He splashes the brandy all over her most delicate areas....
And produces a lighter and sets fire to the Cognac....
"Ow! Ow! Pierre!" says Michelle as she tries to beat the flames out... "What ze bloody hell are you doing?"
"I am Pierre, ze famous French fighter pilot extraordinaire - and when I go down - I go down in flames!"</HTML>
(For added accuracy, imagine me doing the actions, in a pub in Bristol, in a dodgy French accent, with Bea trying very hard not to choke to death)
Pierre (ze bravest, ze most magnificent, ze best endowed member of ze French airforce), has gone for a picnic, avec his latest conquest - Michelle.
Michelle has been overwhelmed by this magnificent gesture, and she cannot help herself - "Ooh, Pierre, you are so romantique. Kiss me on ze lips"
And Pierre, desperate to perform, grabs Michelle wildly, and moves to kiss her. Grabbing her by the waist he swings her round as moves to kiss her like she's never been kissed before. And as their lips move together, he stops.
"Michelle, zer is something I must do."
"Ooh, Pierre? What can stop zis moment of passion?"
Before she gets her reply, Pirre reaches over, rips the cork off a bottle of red with his teeth, splashes it over the poor girls lips, and gets stuck in.
After they come up for air, Michelle says: "Ooh, ooh, Pierre. Zat was so romantic. But why ze red wine?"
"I am Pierre, ze famous French fighter pilot - when I have ze red meat, I drink ze red wine."
"Ooh la la, Pierre, kiss me lower..."
Just like before, the randy pilot reaches over to the hamper, rips the cork out of a bottle - although this time it's white. After splashing it over her tits, he gets stuck into her breasts...
"Ooh, Ooh, Pierre, your tongue is so good, but why ze white wine?"
"I am Pierre, ze greatest fighter pilot in France. When Pierre has white meat, he must have ze white wine..."
"Ooh, Pierre, kiss me lower still.."
Pierre reaches over to the hamper and produces a bottle of Cognac. He rips the French maiden's knickers off with his teeth. He splashes the brandy all over her most delicate areas....
And produces a lighter and sets fire to the Cognac....
"Ow! Ow! Pierre!" says Michelle as she tries to beat the flames out... "What ze bloody hell are you doing?"
"I am Pierre, ze famous French fighter pilot extraordinaire - and when I go down - I go down in flames!"</HTML>
Re: Librarians
Posted by: All-American-Cutie (---.dalect01.va.comcast.net)
Date: January 28, 2003 07:41PM
<HTML>[macro please] GROAN!!!!!!!!</HTML>
Re: Librarians
Posted by: poetscientistdrinker (---.cache.pol.co.uk)
Date: January 28, 2003 07:56PM
<HTML>I never said it was funny!</HTML>
Re: Librarians
Posted by: Ooktavia (---.in-addr.btopenworld.com)
Date: January 29, 2003 07:50PM
<HTML>Don't forget, both Gervaise the Chef and Hans the dishwasher were unable to kill the green hairy-lipped squid.</HTML>
Re: Librarians
Posted by: Rob Johnson (---.leeds.ac.uk)
Date: January 30, 2003 10:32AM
<HTML>Ooh. I'd totally forgotten them.</HTML>
Re: Librarians
Posted by: dave (---.addleshaw-booth.co.uk)
Date: January 30, 2003 10:33AM
<HTML>right. One of you two, out with it. The whole so-called 'joke'. In full.</HTML>
Sorry, only registered users may post in this forum.