Front page headlines of this morning's news:

"The truth about my gastric band, by Fern Britton.

THE DAY WE ALL TOOK A POUNDING!!!"

Exclamation marks are mine - it read like it needed them.
The Daily Mail, eh? You couldn't make it up. Well, actually, THEY do - all the time, but you know what I mean.

The local paper where Mum lives lead with the worlds most boring headline (fair enough, it's small town local news) something about a school open day.

Tucked away on page five I found "Naked Man Causes Disturbance" and the details of a 'near naked' chap who went on a bit of a spree.

I think Sacharissa might be in change of the newsroom there. Apparently they didn't get the naked man's name.

The worst headline i've ever heard was on the local news (main story!!!) here in East Anglia:

"A strange humming noice has been keeping people awake in a small village in Suffolk."

I quote that word. for. word. I wrote it down, you see.

Quert Ecciborrd Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> The worst headline i've ever heard was on the
> local news (main story!!!) here in East Anglia:
>
> "A strange humming noice has been keeping people
> awake in a small village in Suffolk."
>
> I quote that word. for. word. I wrote it down, you
> see.


Ha! I know the area well. That noise was probably the sound of all the visitors, zzzzzing themselves off to sleep.

My favourite was very recently when I read the headline: "Tramp gets reward after finding Paul McCartney's head in a bin".

At first I thought I'd completely missed what would have been a pretty huge story, then I read the article and found out what it was actually talking about (a waxwork head, for anyone who hasn't heard of it!)...

It's amusing what sticks in your mind after reading these headlines. I keep getting a mental image of Fern Britton just after having had her gastric band removed. The looks of horror on the faces of the medical staff, the ominous rumbling sound as her body morphologically restores itself ... a total re-enactment of that scene in the 'Nutty Professor,' when Eddie Murphy's body returns in a great, gollumphing tidal wave of excess flesh.

Horrible.

I used to have a few books by Fritz Spiegel, who collected this type of stuff.

The one that sticks in my mind is from our now defunct evening newspaper which reported: 'S T A MEN TO BE ARMED'
and I immediately thought of pistils.


# S T A was State Transport Authority and they didn't get armed, but, to paraphrase Milligan, they were allowed to keep their legs.


Jack Smart, former Professor of Philosophy in this town lived in the eastern suburbs and his local paper had an article on the need for new drains in the local area, with the resulting headline of: New sewers for Paradise. He sent a copy to the aforementioned Spiegel.


Since 'spiegel' has a germanic connection with a looking glass I have often wondered if it is/was a pseudonym, but have never been bothered to find out. Perhaps someone with more get up and go has an answer.


I think Nigel Rees also published a book on these types of headlines, but I might be mistaken. He published one on graffiti in which the : 'My mother made me a homosexual' had the response of 'If I gave her the wool, would she make me one?'

The books disappeared while I lived overseas so i can't refer to either of them.

Have just come back from Suffolk, where I watched a local news item about a lady who had died. As they showed footage of the outside of the house the voice over said "following an autopsy the police are able to confirm there was nothing suspicious about her death".

[www.thesun.co.uk]

That was on another message board I go to. That's a headline to get your teeth into (or maybe not ;P) And in the ariticle, just in case you don't know what a potato looks like, they've kindly included a photo.

A very plausible story - if it was in fiction no-one would believe that story. Reminds me of an incident involving an female evening newsreader and a disappearing VB stubby. But I have probably gone to far already. This was way back in 1989, pre-internet days and it maybe urban legend.

Last week in a nearby village: "Dead woman found in cemetery". Every time (*) I see or hear this type of headline I get the meaning wrong until I learn the full story.

(*) believe me, people do die in cemeteries every now and then