Scene One

A woodland glade, where small woodland creatures and, rather improbably, a Komodo Dragon are joined in song.

"its time to start the music
its time to dim the lights
its time to get things started
in our pantomime tonight"

Enter Woodcutter Jack, stage right, followed by Speckles the pantomime elephant.
Jack:

Jack: (sings)

Hey ho the diddly O
I love a girl and her name is Flo
She has everything that a lad finds fair
Short blonde curls that suit her so
And an upper lip with facial hair.

(to Speckles) Well Speckles - and given the size of what you left behind in that last clearing, "Speckles" is a singularly understated name if you ask me - well, as I was saying, here's where my dearest Flo said she would meet me, but there appears to be no sight of her. I wonder...

The Komodo Dragon:

The Komodo Dragon: (beleching loudly)

Yum!!!

Jack:

Jack: Damn, that dragon seems to have eaten the tumbleweed we were saving for the penultimate showdown scene.
Speckles: snorts
Jack: Hurrah (slaps thigh) here comes Flo now.

Enter Flo dressed as Mrs Beeton surrounded by gaggle of cheeky cockernee urchins from Crouch End.

Flo: Well that's how you remove stubborn stains, tomorrow we'll learn which spiders it is safe to eat.

Jack:

Jack: Why hello my good woman, have you seen Speckles the elephant anywhere?

Flo: That's him right behind you!

Jack: Oh no it isn't.

Audience: Oh yes it is.

Speckles: Oh no it isn't. (whips off fake moustache and glasses)

Flo: Gads! It's Pokie! The prankster pachyderm of the Punjab!

Komodo Dragon:

Komodo Dragon: (beleching loudly)

Yum!!!

Jack:

Jack: Pokey, you scamp, what will you do now that dragon has eaten your disguise?

Jack, Pokey the Pantomime prankster pachyderm of the Punjarb, and various Crouch End Cockernee urchins place their thumbs in their braces click their heels together and sing:

"Pokey the Pachyderm packed his trunk and said goodbye to the treehouse
off he went with a trumpety trump trump trump.
Pokey the pachyderm packed his trunk and trundled off to the circus
off he went with a trumpety trump, trump, trump, trump."

Flo: Just one thing before you go Pokey - I've been meaning to ask you......

Audience: Oh no you haven't!

Flo:

Flo: Premature audience ejaculation - we don't stand for that kind of thing in Crouch End I can tell you.

Cockernee urchins dancing round with thumbs in braces: she's a right ol' cockerneer geezer.

Flo: As I was saying Pokey - I've been meaning to ask you....

(I think we miss out on some things in Australia. Seeing my head master in fishnets and a tutu in grade six not withstanding.)

Flo: (continues) do you know the way to Amarillo?

Cue song
(Thankfully, we don't need to hear that now)

Pokie: Yes, it is over near the treehouse, but try not to speal there as it annoys the squirrels.

Enter Swin and Don two pantomime dames in tutu's and fishnets

Swin and Don: hello boys and girls.

Dutiful audience: hello

Swin: I say that will never do, my name is Swin and this is Don and whenever you see us I want you to shout "hello Swin Don". Shall we try again?

Swin and Don: hello boys and girls

Audience: Hello Swindon.

Don: Thats more like it.
Distributes jelly beans to audience.

Swin; I say what a marvellous elephant - give me a leg up Don.

Much slapstick hilarity ending with both Swin and Don riding backwards on Pokie.

Don: I say I say how do you get down from an elephant?
Swin: I don't know Don how do you get down from and elephant?
Don: You don't - you get down from ducks and geese.

Pokie exits stage right.

Jack: (shouting) could I have my elephant back now please?

Swin: (offstage) I don't think that will be possible - have these instead.

Packet of jelly beans thrown on from wings - stage right.