Ffellow ffans of Fforde.

I have come to deliver grave news indeed. If you could just take a seat, as this may come as a shock to you.

Whilst Googling the correct spelling of Battenberg, I came across the Wikipedia entry for it, and the last paragraph brought tears to my eyes.

"On 10 April 2008 the British Food Standards Agency asked for a voluntary ban on artificial food colourings and suggested that the ban would be practical by the end of 2009. This would mean that certain foods such as mushy peas, battenberg cakes, Turkish Delight and tinned strawberries might disappear temporarily or permanently, unless an alternative natural food colouring is found"

[en.wikipedia.org]

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry

Kristoff, you have ruined my life!

Tinned strawberries and (I assume only chocolate coated) Turkish Delight can disappear for all I care. Proper mushy peas are a sort of dirty grey colour, rather than the fluorescent green of the tinned variety, so they may yet survive, but it looks as if there is no hope for my beloved Battenberg.........

I think when you see the words "voluntary" as in "voluntary ban" you can largely ignore the rest of the article.

Failing that we have an army of moorhens with pointy sticks who will make our feelings known.

But fake pink and yellow is the natural colour for Battenburg!

There's an army of artificial Irish out there who will march in solidarity with the moorhens if it includes the right to drink artificial green beer on St Patrick's day.

There is a point of order due here:

Artificial food colourings are just as real as ones derived fromm nature, and probably a lot purer.

I will drink coloured flavoured drinks of known parentage in preference to some natural liquid that has an unknown purity.

So what if I go a bit loopy when the red colouring kicks in. It's still safer than Red Bull.

You are a trusting soul then, I mistrust new or even relatively known substances. These days people seem to be more willing to take medicines and such with barely any testing time, thinking they will be more effective than many proven things (like how good ginger is against the common cold).

Thlidamide is one example of artificial substance with a lack of proper testing.

Not to mention materials people thought were safe.Barium used in a ceramic glaze for functional wares. People 15-20 years ago thought that the hazardous poison was safe once fired in a glass, only to discover it leached out when in contact with common food acids and alkalies.

Disclaimer: This is not a rant by the way!

What about the poor veggies? without good, wholesome artificial colourings, they will be forced to eat only foods not containing cochineal - so strawberry yoghurt will be off the breakfast list.

(as an aside, does anyone here know if Kosher or Halal restrictions forbid insect products in food?)

Oh, dod you know they use barium to colour flaming poi? I couldn't believe that! Then ur inhaling it, absorbing it through skin AND probably ingesting it too, if you happen to touch your mouth after using it.

Egads.

I dont think kosher does, because I seem to remember eating candied grasshoppers at a friend's barmitvah when I was a kid.

What is a flaming poi???

They say one gram ingested is enough to poison- I do hope you aren't talking about food?

They do use barium in medical research, in order to track it in your digestive system or something. I'm a bit hazy on that.

poi... you know, the firey twirling things on strings. Only, using it as fuel you inhale the gases, and you get it all over yourself- even if you are really really good...

The barium meal is different to the stuff we use- It's barium sulphate, rather than carbonate.

Can't be good for you in any case, surely there are much healthier chemicals you can use to alter the colour of the flame?

<Remembers the joys of chemistry and testing the colours different chemicals made when burnt>

Barium is one of the two (well actually there are others) materials I won't even touch with a pointy stick let alone use.

I'll use it, but I'm very careful if I do... And if I can use something else instead...

But anyway, FISH PUNS!

this is no plaice for them!

I agree and am willing to put my views in whiting.

But will your whiting be in secret cod?

I've been away and I think all the fish puns have already been had - O.K. perhaps there's one more....

these fish puns are packed in like sardines,I'm sure that we are going to have a whale of a time share sharing these pearls of piscatorial humour.

We might have to shine a few rays of light to distinguish them all. Still, let's not carp on it.

Would the last few posts have been as enjoyable if written by Salmon Rushdie?