Christmas again, and the so we must write the seasonal panto of doom, which this year has been declared 'A Tale Of Two Cities'. Who'll play the dragon?

Has last year's finished yet?

I didn't realise that we had got past the casting for last year. Who is going to be Widow Twankey?

Well, it needs to be someone who can balance the absurdness of the role, the drama of the story, and has the necessary skills to drive a dune buggy.

<tries to imagine a panto-powered dune buggy>

<fails>

Peter Pan flew a june buggy regularly Wendy red red robin needed a new vest.

In this modern world 'Buttons' should be renamed 'Zips'. Who will zip through the part?

Zips is a bit complicated - maybe Velcro

Zips the Roman Centurion? Excellent. Who gets to be the Cuddly Toy?

We possibly need a replacement Director's Assistant. I've been waiting in the wings in my Jasmin costume expecting my Aladdin cue since mid-April.

There may be a misunderstanding with this year's title.

I had intended to sell the artificial bust part of my costume, but due to an unfortunate Spoonerism the Invoice was headed, 'A Tale Of Two Cities'

What a dickens of an event.

Will Speckles play in drag?

You could ask him - he's standing just behind you.

Oh no he's not!

Oh yes he is. Watchout for the stamps. Ask the audience if they believe in elephants.

Speckles is behind you!

<Watches Speckles tip-toe around turning MC>

Speckles is behind you!

"Speckles is behind you"

Not possible.

Due to my new stress-based diet plan, I have no behind.

However, for the purpose of the exercise and at the risk of seeming negatively repetitious (or possibly repetitiously negative):

Oh No, He's not!

<Casts MistyCat as Scrooge>

Next!

Speckles stage whispered in my ear that he would like to play one of the two cities.

I'll be the dragon. Assuming I have no lines and get to play with fire, that is.

GEG and I have been quarreling over who gets to play the front end of Speckles's old mum Widow Trunky (she's deaf you know; see her trumpet)

Probably Geg will be at the front end 'cos she had a token brussels sprout but I went a bit overboard with them. It's an ill wind...