Ok, now please feel free to criticise my stuff.

I wrote these poems in a creative writing workshop (usually i wouldn't write in English). The first one is a sonnet, (my first one ever) and i like it somehow:


You’ve got that certain twinkle in the eye,
I admit your touch surely does shake me.
Truly! Your looks could make goddesses cry!
Too bad that you refuse now to take me…
Thinking I’d love you makes you feel better?
Or that I’m deeply impressed by your talk?
O boy! Go ahead! It doesn’t matter!
Still you were the goat, but I ate the chalk.
T’is not your wit that keeps my heart beating.
(There’s nothing about it I’d be admiring.)
Neither your knowledge is that defeating,
Hey Man! Most of your stories are tiring!
I’ll rarely miss the contents of your brain…
…But the chance ever to f*** you again!


The other should have been an attempt of imagist poetry, which I wrote down within a few minutes.


Leaving the Scene

I used to hide myself
In the most colourful glittering darkness,
Was different among the different ones,
Unique among the unique.
At dawn I saw
They were all the same.

[Exit]



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Colourless green ideas sleep furiously.

(N. Chomsky 1957)

i like the second one, the idea of ending on a stage direction is the kind of witty touch I enjoy in modern poetry, and it works with the title, and without those you wouldn't really get a hold on the whole poem. I quite like that, as it only resolves itself after a little thought about it - almost like a print in a dark room slowly swimming into black and white.

As for the first one, there's a couple of things that show English isn't your first language. The line starting 'neither' is the most glaring. If you switch it so it reads 'Neither is your knowledge that defeating' it'll work, otherwise it needs a line after it starting with 'nor'.

not sure about the whole goat/chalk thing. I think I know what you're drawing there, but it seems too abstract in that form. It doesn't really draw on any image that's easily to hand, if you know what I mean?

It doesn't really feel like the lines are tied together, either - it seems like you're writing to fit the syllable count and the rhyme scheme, and have kind of forgotten about the bigger picture, it seems disjointed. That may have been the effect you wanted though, bearing in mind the subject matter (writing a sonnet with two voices that only rhymed their own voice would be interesting...). 'still' after 'matter!' doesn't feel right in the mouth, whereas those lines possibly ought to work closely as they form the end of that quatrain (possibly the wrong way to describe it...)

'T'is' in a sonnet always looks silly - people expect modern poetry to stick to modern spellings even if it buggers up an iamb!

Not sure about the final couplet, either. The 'shock' value isn't there as much as you'd hope, I guess.

Interesting to see it though. I've tried writing really formally, and always struggled to actually say anything worthwhile with it, mostly becasue I found myself chasing the elusive extra syllable rather than a better description.



PSD

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This is the work of an Italian narco-anarchic collective. Don't bother insulting them, they can't read English anyway.

Not sure about the first. I've never been heavily into sonnets, so there's that blockage for me, but generally I don't think it's to my taste, so I cant't really comment objectively. Sorry 'bout that.

I love the second one. It's very deep, yet not ove rthe top. I love the second line, 'In the most colourful glittering darkness'. That's fantastic. Yes, definately a good one.

I really like that image too - reminds me of when I was onstage. You feel great at the time, and then the next morning you look in the mirror and realise that you have to get used to being off stage again.



PSD

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This is the work of an Italian narco-anarchic collective. Don't bother insulting them, they can't read English anyway.

Thanks for your comments. The first one is, as I must admit, really a "first one". I tried to make fun of the form, but I guess, it doesn*t come out clearly, I tried to ridicule by overusing poetic diction, but I guess I should practise that in my own language, if at all.
Just to explain the goat/chalk thing: It's an allusion to one of Grimm's fairy tales, in which the big bad wolf eats chalk in order to get a sweeter voice and be able to trick the goats. Anyway,just forget about it, i like it for nostalgic reasons, but i never was sure if it works as i intended.

And I'm glad you liked the second one.



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Colourless green ideas sleep furiously.

(N. Chomsky 1957)

I like the second one very much as well: nothing extraneous or unnecessary, but with many layers of meaning. Well done!

I love the structure and formality of the old forms, sonnets, virelais, sestinas, etc. I love the discipline they impose on the writer, to say something profound within what can appear a very limiting space. It is very hard to master them, however! A couple of times in medieval music workshops I have attended over the years, students were asked to write poems in medieval (or medieval-inspired) forms. I enjoyed these immensely, though they were a challenge, and I think produced my two best poems. Having said that, I can't produce them at the moment; in the move I have no idea where anything is and this computer is too new to have the files on it. So you'll have to take my word for it, for now. :)

I have not yet written a successful sonnet.

I love more structured forms too, which is why I have real difficulty in criticising free verse. I don't know the rules. I know there must be rules, or there would be no difference between free verse and prose chopped up into short lines. Clearly there is a difference, but I'm blowed if I can identify it. The best I can ever do with a piece of free verse is to say, "I like this, but I have no idea why." With a sonnet, however, it's easy to see how well or badly the meaning flows within the prescribed form; if it sounds forced, it's not a good sonnet.

For the record, the hardest poetic challenge I've ever set myself was an acrostic rondeau. I wrote it, and the recipient was delighted with it, but it's not something I'd try rattling off every week, I can tell you!



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That which does not kill us makes us stranger.
(Llewelyn the dragon, Ozy and Millie)

Sarah

Like everyone, it seems, I like the second. What is your native language, V V? I think it's great if anyone can get near a poem in another one.

Didn't know about the wolf and the chalk, now that I do it seems the best bit of the first one. Otherwise as Ben.

Sarah - acrostic rondeau? Was that one of those 'Ma mignon' things, I think not?

I had a go at Tolkien's 'Earendil' poem and rogered it good and proper. Tolkien himself regarded the assonance as very difficult, claiming it was so hard he had only ever written one poem in it (endless versions though). I don't think he'd like my version, and it may give away too much of the plot of N4.

I don't have the faintest about 'forms' of poetry, and if anyone can recommend something that describes various ones (with examples!) I'd be interested to see it.

Hi Dave!

My native language is German. To answer your question about formal aspects of poetry i would recommend "The Penguin Dictionary of Literary Terms and Theory" by A. (?) Cuddon, I think it's the best basic reference book which one can get for a reasonable price (something like 14 €) and it does not only decribe everything connected with literary theory but comes up with several examples for any form of poetry or stylistic device.

Thanks for your comments to all of you.



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Colourless green ideas sleep furiously.

(N. Chomsky 1957)

Sarah - free verse has various ways of doing things, but most of it comes from the way that rhymes, half-rhymes and vowel sounds tend to flow through the lines. I've got '52 Ways of Looking at a Poem' by Ruth Padel, that has a good essay at the start explaining some of the ideas of any poetry. The rest of it is a collection from the 'Sunday Poem' column she wrote for the Independent on Sunday for a couple of years. It introduces you to some really good, modern poetry and also gets you thinking.



PSD

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This is the work of an Italian narco-anarchic collective. Don't bother insulting them, they can't read English anyway.

Thanks for that, PSD!



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That which does not kill us makes us stranger.
(Llewelyn the dragon, Ozy and Millie)

Sarah