Somebody asked for parodies
Posted by: jon
Date: February 28, 2003 01:17PM
The Ice Age Daily Mail Beltane 14, Year of the Frightened Ferret
Our Way of Life is Under Threat
We have had enough of interference from metropolitan busybodies in our heritage and traditional way of life. Is it not enough that our countryside has been desecrated by the erection of huge ritual complexes like the carbuncle known as Stonehenge? Are these people not satisfied with building jerry-built huts and sheds all over Britain, when our ancestors, the people who made this island great even before it was an island, were content to live in caves? Now our way of life faces a new threat. The people who brought you such abominations as the megalith and the menhir, people whom, at the risk of courting unpopularity with the political-correctness brigade, the Mail has no qualms about identifying as lately arrived Celtic immigrants, people who sailed here in boats when walking was good enough for our revered ancestors, people who – er, hang on I’ve lost the thread here … where was I? Oh yes, these ‘Neolithic’ people are now saying that we should give up our way of life as hunter gatherers and take up what they are pleased to call ‘agriculture’. This folly can only lead to one thing. Once you start planting things to grow, and keeping your own livestock, the temptation to meddle with the laws of nature becomes irresistible. It is the start of the slippery slope that leads to cross-breeding, and the production of animals and plants the like of which the Great Spirit did not intend to be. To our mind there is something almost blasphemous about it; pigs are intended to be thin, wheat is meant to taste nasty, and interfering with nature in this way can come to no good.
Which leads us to another objection to this Neolithic nonsense. Covering the countryside with ‘farms’, as they are apparently known, can only have a damaging effect on hunting. Already mammoth and woolly rhinoceros are becoming scarcer every summer. Some might say that this is a result of over-hunting, but in our opinion it is the spread of agriculture that is the problem. Not only is it reducing the natural habitat available to game, but it has been suggested that increased agricultural production is responsible for the accelerating rate of global warming; note that the last time a glacier was seen south of Caledonia was over a dozen seasons ago.
Agriculturalists dismiss this, and claim moreover that hunting with slings and spears damages their crops. There is talk of banning hunting from farm land. We say to these stick-in-the-muds; meddle with traditional British values at your peril.
The final objection to farming is the most important yet. Planting crops and keeping stock has introduced to these islands the hitherto unknown concept of ‘private property’, and inevitably, with it, the ghastly spectre of crime. When there was no property, no ‘landowners’, the people were free to wander wherever they liked, and where there was no property there was no theft. Now crime has become widespread, and though the farming classes try to blame the indigenous people of Britain for this, we know the truth. Crime was introduced to this country along with ownership, and if the one were to be removed so would the other. Some are so opposed to this foreign plague of property and crime that they are even prepared to break the law to defend our traditional values, and while the Mail can never condone lawlessness our sympathies lie with those struggling to defend our way of life against constant assault. What next, we ask, a campaign against the sacrifice of virgins?
The Mail says; we must be constantly vigilant against these attempts to change the British way of life. There must be a return to the traditional values that made this country habitable if it is to remain so. Britain was a better place to live when it was a part of Europe. Let’s make it great again.
Post Edited (02-28-03 15:57)
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I am very interested in the Universe. I am specialising in the Universe and everything surrounding it. - E. L. Wisty