Every day on my train I pass Adlestrop, made famous by Edward Thomas, except there's nothing there, except a fallen platform, overgrown and forgotten. On the train it seems only I remember Adlestrop. It reminds me of some of the places I used to go to in my courting days with girlfriends, when we wanted to escape and hide from the outside world. We'd always find places with history but no visitors, and Adlestrop has the same feel. This isn't based on the original poem, it lacks both the feeling and the metre, but does borrow from it. This is still work in progress, but I would like an opinion if you have one. I've got a couple of criticisms of it, but won't put them here.

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[travel.guardian.co.uk] for the original
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Do you remember *our* Adlestrop?
The nervous fumbling at that naked, wooden gate?
We never meant to stop there, and we didn't,
Pushing onwards, through the bushes, to the very platform edge.

Then the rushing, rolling warm air,
As the fast train passed along us,
The rapid rattle of our pulses,
As we lay there in the sun.

I remember now that summer,
How we sought our secret places,
The hot flush of our faces,
As we escaped to somewhere new.

I know we never meant to stop,
But we declined, like Adlestrop.

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Second draft below! - 23/07/03



Post Edited (07-23-03 00:32)

PSD

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This is the work of an Italian narco-anarchic collective. Don't bother insulting them, they can't read English anyway.

Thoughtful. Definite promise there.

Third line of first verse not quite right.
Love 'rapid rattle of our pulses'
Third line of third verse doesn't seem quite long enough.

Nicely melancholy and very English somehow. A couple of tweaks and you could have something lovely. Last two lines particularly poignant (had to check dic. for spelling of last word).

nice, I like it.

At first glance, thought the title line was 'Onions Please'.

Very nice. Maybe a bit Betjemannish?

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"Some days I diet, other days they serve lasagne."

Sir JB once described the Broomhill part of Sheffield as the most splendid Victorian suburbs in England. The old houses are rather nice in a cod Gothick/Italianate sort of way, and they did plant lots of trees.

One of the best things to do when showing new students around, is to point down a small, leafy lane, not far from the halls of residence, and say:
"That's where they caught the Yorkshire Ripper, you know."

True.

I don't know who remembers this, but I want an opinion on the secnd draft, if you'd be so kind...

Our Adlestrop

Do you remember our Adlestrop?
Not the same, but one afternoon,
In heat, we escaped to the disused station,
Hurriedly, and it was late June.

The nervous fumbling at the gate, with our unpractised hands?
Long un-oiled hinges, rusting gently in the sun.
We never meant to stop there, and we didn’t,
Pushing onwards through the bushes, to the very platform edge.

Then the rushing, rolling of the warm air,
As the fast train passed along us,
Then nothing but the birdsong,
And the grass teasing our skin.

And that eroding platform
Stands still, unvisited now.
I know we never meant to stop,
But we declined, like Adlestrop.



PSD

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This is the work of an Italian narco-anarchic collective. Don't bother insulting them, they can't read English anyway.

just in case you care about my opinion:

I really like the first version better, for several reasons.

First of all, the first draft works better in terms of rhythm. Especially the onomatopoeiic rhythm in the second stanza resembles the idea of a train running by and therefor fits well into the context. I think this feature got lost in your second draft
A second thing is, that I like the sonnet form better than the 12 (or 16 if you count the italics) line form. Especially as it is a somehow "imperfect" sonnet. I just think that in poetry the contents should match the formal aspects and this is really well done in the first draft, but that's just my opinion. (And the decline in the concluding couplet also fits in with this "imperfect" sonnet thing) I'm impressed somehow actually.

As I already told you in the chat, the second draft doesn't really match my understanding of poetry. First of all, the irregular verse form put into regular 4-line-stanza doesn't really work out. Reading this draft doesn't flow so easily like the first one and is therefore less impressive. Next thing is, that i don't like the pictures you use in there.

Honestly: "Then nothing but the birdsong,
And the grass teasing our skin."

doesn't sound poetic, but like something which could be sung by any boygroup. Why change from "rapid rattle of pulses" to birds and bees vanilla romantic? I think that's not only unneccessary, but actually destroys the poem, as i see it.

To cut it short: The second draft appears to me as it was the first and vice versa, because the first draft is the one which is better structured in formal and contents- aspects and the second draft is more like "attempted poetry" (sorry)



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Colourless green ideas sleep furiously.

(N. Chomsky 1957)

Coo, proper words and everything! Know what you mean about bits of it being crap... And I'm not terribly good trying to be formal in any sense, so...

Back to the drawing board...

(lost the rapid rattle as I realised I'd nicked it off Wilfred Owen..)



PSD

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This is the work of an Italian narco-anarchic collective. Don't bother insulting them, they can't read English anyway.

..i think it's okay to keep the rapid rattle. Don't regard it as nicking, but as citing. Writers do that all the time. That's just that what gives one some extra fun at analysing the poems. Knowing that you nicked from Owen I could now ask "Why does he connect this scenery with war?- Allright battle of the sexes".

...well, now I'm probably overdoing it, but leave the rattling in anyway



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Colourless green ideas sleep furiously.

(N. Chomsky 1957)

I tend to agree with Violet, but would further question the use of 'along' in
As the fast train passed along us,. I would have used 'beside'.

And I hope you know the penalties for trespassing on railway property.



- - -
I am very interested in the Universe. I am specialising in the Universe and everything surrounding it. - E. L. Wisty

as long as it didn't pass over or accross them it's ok. Would be problematic using a first person narrator then.



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Colourless green ideas sleep furiously.

(N. Chomsky 1957)

Bravo first version. I also prefer it to the second.

OK I saw the original as in your link, hence the railway stuff. BUT consider omitting :-

1) The fourth word. Or 'Do you recall our Adelstrop?' as an alternative.

2) All railway references (but not Adlestrop), i.e. platform edge and fast train (or rewrite).

Because I think everything else is VERY good. And it's then all you. Which is probably why. The moment it becomes completely personal, with only Adlestrop as a reference, I love it. Verses 3, 4 should be untouched.

Honestly, I may only recently have taken any interest in poetry, but looking through collections of English verse, a lot of it is not nearly as good. Tinker but a little, and believe your experiences are just as memorable as Edward Thomas'.

I agree with Dave on the "recall our Adlestrop"- alternative, but I don't really see the point in omitting the railway references.
I mean it remains "all psd" (well, I cannot really judge from the bits I read of you here, but the poem appears to be very original, and is in fact beautiful) even if there is an obvious reference to the Edward Thomas piece. (Actually i'd just repeat my comment on quoting Wilfried Owen).



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Colourless green ideas sleep furiously.

(N. Chomsky 1957)

Thank you for all the comments - they're all useful. There may be more of this kinda thing, so be worried....

Oh,a nd another rewrite...



PSD

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This is the work of an Italian narco-anarchic collective. Don't bother insulting them, they can't read English anyway.

Just meant 'all from PSDs heart'. I'm not sure if the railway stuff was in there because you were consciously retaining the Thomas, or because you really wanted it to be there for reasons of your own. Of course coming from a railway family I have baggage (Red Star, no doubt). Lose the railway, insert something topical to you (if the railway isn't) and I'm sure I'll like it better.

PSD - I like version one better than two. It feels more real to me.

My 2 cents for what it's worth.