The following may cause offence, if so I am genuinely sorry. It may be badly written enough to qualify as a parody but it’s intent was to allow me to play with some of the ideas I really liked in all three books, particularly the WOLP (plus a dash of Stoppard, the Truman Show and Last Action Hero). As a parody/imitation I hope it appears as the sincerest form of flattery. Being in the world of these books has been a delight and writing about them certainly brightened many dismal journeys on the 7.33. I hope it might amuse.

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SOME OF OUR CHARACTERS ARE MISSING…

The first jurisfiction knew of the mass escape of bookworld characters was the disappearance of everyone from Moby Dick apart from the whale. Readers found a book containing tedious descriptions of landscape and New Bedford architecture giving way to new and lengthy descriptions of the best underwater locations to sing and an epicurean guide to the krill of the world. A concealed tunnel under Father Mapple’s pulpit was quickly found. At first Jurisfiction thought that this was just another example of bookrunning, though on an unprecedented scale, but when the feared bounty hunter Little (Death) Nell failed to return they were forced to admit that that the cast were unlikely to return in time to avert a crisis. Heroic efforts were made to restore the original Moby Dick but a complete set of characters had never been replaced by generics before; there were no remaining characters left to give them a lead. The generic schools all had to be shut so that concealed teaching staff could give prompts and character notes to confused generics. It took a long time to get the Pequod out of harbour and getting them to row the longboats descended into an inappropriate farce that could not fail to be noted by readers.

However, it was only when Queequeg was arrested in the real world trying to sell a shrunken head that Thursday Next knew that there was a major crisis. How fictional characters had got into the real world was a puzzle, only Yorrick Cain the evil media mogul had ever managed this before and Thursday suspected that he was implicated. Her suspicions were confirmed when Granny Next rang insisting that she should turn on her television to watch the Tom Spaniel show.
Thursday protested that she could never watch more than five minutes of the Caine network’s show without wondering whether humans have a future but granny Next was insistent. The TV came on just as Spaniel with a fabricated expression of serious concern was saying “…and after the break more from - a Family in Crisis... Behind him Thursday caught a glimpse of the studio guests and recognised Claudius and Gertrude from Hamlet with the audience jeering and shaking their fists. Thursday had last seen them at the annual bookworld Shakespeare barbecue where the Hamlets had beaten the combined cast of all the parts of Henry IV in a drinking contest – Falstaff had been struggling to live down the humiliation ever since.

While the adverts were on, (a trailer for the forthcoming Taxonomic Olympics, the new compact (tm) personal Zeppelin etc.) Thursday found her complete works of Shakespeare. As she had feared the entire cast of Hamlet now consisted of Rosencranz, Guildenstern and the gravedigger. Even worse, dipping into the play at random showed that the plot appeared to consist of the three of them flipping coins, playing cards and trying to remember the punch lines to old jokes. She suspected that minimalist productions of were already being planned somewhere.

The Spaniel show resumed, the audience were a little calmer and Tom, still wearing his look of fake concern intoned solemnly
“Remember viewers, although the wonders of modern science can bring characters to life any fictional crimes remain beyond the jurisdiction of the law and it is for you our viewers and studio audience to decide whether any of these newly real people can be judged at all.”
The show then revealed that, yes Claudius had killed Hamlet Sr (more jeering) but:
1) It had been to protect Gertrude who had suffered a lifetime of drunken abuse (wassail rage she called it).
2) Gertrude and Claudius had always loved each other but Gertrude had been forced into a loveless marriage with his brother by callous parents. Part of the audience was definitely swayed by these emotional revelations and began to argue with the rest of the audience who forcefully expressed extremely cynical views.
3) Hamlet Sr. had been a terrible king knowing little of diplomacy, good governance or fiscal prudence (Claudius baffled everyone by citing lots of regal “performance indicators” and looked rather hurt by the reception this received. His parting shot of “Kingship – it’s more than just smiting you know” was met with derisory laughter).

Thursday realised that Claudius and Gertrude, known principally in bookworld for practical jokes, tuneless Karaoke, ill advised gambling and a prodigious capacity for drink were clearly stuck in the mindset of their characters as they had been written. This realisation was interrupted by the surprise entrance of the furious ghost of Hamlet Sr. A tense standoff ensued but the onstage fight that resulted was just an inconclusive foggy blur, though one which the security staff found hard to break up. In the end Hamlet Sr had to be driven from the stage by a priest with a cross and bible (1).

The programme then dwelt on the impact the actions of the parents had on the children. A brief video clip showed Hamlet Jr in what was referred to in the subtitle as the Caine Foundation Clinic. Hamlet was in a straitjacket, albeit one with a designer label. The psychiatrist, Dr Flet explained that despite administering very large doses of several sedatives Hamlet’s mental state remained as he put it “somewhat combative”. This seemed to be confirmed by Hamlet himself who fixed the camera with a gaze of eerie stillness before saying “Now could I drink hot blood!”. Dr Flet, genuinely disconcerted for a moment, then explained that the transformation of the cast from fiction to reality (“realisation” he called it), appeared to have come during act 3 when, as he delicately put it, the “balance of his mind was disturbed”. Ophelia made a brief appearance; she did seem to be heavily sedated and appeared to be trying to count the toes on her bare feet without success. Dr Flet’s colleague Dr Lacrimat explained that they had given her no drugs of any kind but they suspected that prior to her realisation she had been smoking a good deal of the herbs she kept mentioning.

There was yet another break for adverts (Herbal tea and, inevitably, the Caine foundation clinic - “where tough love works” the slogan said). Back in the studio Claudius was still trying to comfort a weeping Gertrude. The climax of the show came when a second (Act V) Hamlet Jr came on who appeared perfectly composed but within seconds had a dagger against Claudius’s throat. It appeared all over for Claudius (Spaniel looked genuinely alarmed – fictional murders are one thing but dead guests another) but Hamlet hesitated and Gertrude threw herself at Hamlets feet and pleaded with him to spare Claudius because he was Hamlet’s real father. A cheer went up from the audience and they appeared genuinely moved by the ensuing tearful reconciliation as the show ended. Even the loathsome Spaniel was shedding a tear – though Thursday suspected this was because he had just witnessed the show he had always dreamed of.

This episode provided quite a bit of light relief in a slow news week. The bookies started quoting odds on the next characters to appear and the Caine media group were besieged by distraught women who wanted them to realise Heathcliff. But even before Ahab harpooned the traffic warden, Thursday knew that this would end badly. She had seen the carnage left by the Minotaur and one of her duties as Bellman had been to inspect the WOLP prison where she had seen characters more terrifying than any beings that had yet existed in the real world. However the really bad news, when it came, was worse than anything she had feared; the vast dormitories were empty, the impeccably made beds not slept in - the real world was about to face the amazon army of Mrs Danvers…



1. Philosophers have since argued whether this was conclusive evidence for the existence of ghosts. One argument was that since Hamlet Sr. was a fictional ghost who had managed to become real then that proved it was possible to be a ghost in the real world. Others countered that Shakespeare might have imagined something that couldn’t exist but that the first ghost had been created by the transference from the bookworld to the real world. A third, rather pernickety group suggested that the definition of ghosthood demanded that a person could only be a ghost if they had been originally alive as a person which Hamlet Sr. clearly had not been. Still others argued that thinking about this made their heads hurt and they were going for a lie down.

I like it. Very funny. Especially the bit about Falstaff, and the footnote about needing a lie down.

I also like it. What a shame that the white whale didn't escape too: It might have enjoyed having the book to itself, but just think of the fun that it could have had sinking the Japanese whalers... "Shudder" at the thought of the WOLP prison & its inmates.
Have you considered writing anything for inclusion in 'Whatever Next?'

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"God rot Botchkamos Istochnik!"

I liked Claudius' regal performance indicators. Bet our Queen has sometimes wished she could do a bit of smiting, now and again.

Who can honestly say that they have never ever ("What, never?" "No, never!") wished that they themselves could do so?

"If ever it should happen that a victim must be found, I have a little list..."

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Warning! Product may contain Newts!



Post Edited (08-16-03 12:03)

No offence taken by anyone here, although read PSD's Guide to the Fforum for sound advice on not writing anything speculative that might cause Mr. Fforde problems.

But if anyone wants to write stories, can't they write them for Whatever Next? Please? Pretty please with chocolate and marshmallows on top?



- - -
I am very interested in the Universe. I am specialising in the Universe and everything surrounding it. - E. L. Wisty

Grovelling will get you everywhere, Jon.

not to be mean or anything but i am not sure if i liked it.... it just seemed kind of bland. like i enjoyed reading it and it gave me a good laugh... but there was something missing...hmm....

by the way... what is "whatever next"?

"whatever next"- the electronic newsletter of the ffanclub, available at
[www.jasperffordeffanclub.com]

contributions to:
submissions@JasperFfordeFfanClub.com

we're probably due another issue soon....

rob

yes, another issue is due..well, really overdue. However, it will have to wait a wee bit longer as things have been shaken up in our little land of the Double F. With Jon's departure from all things electronic, I am now the sole editor. And of course right now is my very busy time with multiple vacations, family get-togethers, and what-not.

So, it's going to have to wait until at least the week of the 17th to get done. And hopefully I can get it done then because the following week is Thanksgiving and we have a full plate of traveling and family to deal with!

Hehehe, I just hope I can get it done between now and the New Year! Gads!

In the meantime, you all should send stories, parodies, poetry and song parodies to:

submissions@JasperFfordeFfanClub.com

Thanks for sticking with me during all this craziness!

I saw that Jon had closed his Blurty site, but didn't know that he'd also undergone a "departure from all things electronic"... What's happened to him?

Jon simply said he needs to concentrate on what's important...his wife and his job and get on with living....all the internet stuff was too distracting. So he went cold turkey and unplugged. Although, if you REALLY want to, you can still email him. He still checks it at work.