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thursdays dad on the loose
Posted by: Joe Johnson (---.penguinputnam.com)
Date: July 02, 2003 04:57AM
It's one thing for fiction to imitate life but quite another for life to imitate fiction.
From:
All Weekly World News Stories
'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Wednesday March 19, 2003
By CHAD KULTGEN
NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!
Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.
"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.
"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck.
"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."
The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.
"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.
When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.
Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.
"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."
In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.
All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft."
However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."
Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002."
Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.
From:
All Weekly World News Stories
'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Wednesday March 19, 2003
By CHAD KULTGEN
NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!
Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.
"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.
"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck.
"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."
The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.
"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.
When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.
Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.
"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."
In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.
All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft."
However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."
Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002."
Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.
Re: thursdays dad on the loose
Posted by: Simon (---.lancing.org.uk)
Date: July 02, 2003 11:15AM
"Boggle".
Is 'Weekly World News' a serious source of information or in the "Supermarket Tabloid" category?
************************************************************
"This was willed where what is willed... can get rather silly."
Is 'Weekly World News' a serious source of information or in the "Supermarket Tabloid" category?
************************************************************
"This was willed where what is willed... can get rather silly."
Re: thursdays dad on the loose
Posted by: poetscientistdrinker (---.cache.pol.co.uk)
Date: July 02, 2003 06:11PM
I heard this story a few weeks back, apparently it checks out...
PSD
==========
This is the work of an Italian narco-anarchic collective. Don't bother insulting them, they can't read English anyway.
PSD
==========
This is the work of an Italian narco-anarchic collective. Don't bother insulting them, they can't read English anyway.
Re: thursdays dad on the loose
Posted by: jon (---.proxy.aol.com)
Date: July 02, 2003 07:22PM
At the back of my mind there's an SF story with exactly this plot, only in that of course the man IS a time traveller, but nobody believes him. Can't recall who wrote it or owt, but I bet this chancer's seen Twelve Monkeys.
- - -
I am very interested in the Universe. I am specialising in the Universe and everything surrounding it. - E. L. Wisty
- - -
I am very interested in the Universe. I am specialising in the Universe and everything surrounding it. - E. L. Wisty
Re: thursdays dad on the loose
Posted by: SiriusSlack (---.proxy.aol.com)
Date: July 03, 2003 12:22AM
Good old Weekly World News. No doubt the follow-up story will have Bat-Boy somehow involved (possibly as the mail-room whistle-blower who called the SEC) and the face of Satan seen somewhere in the time craft's exhaust smoke.
Oh, and one of the 7 US Senators-Who-Are-Really-Space-Aliens will introduce legislation retroactively making time travel insider trading illegal.
Oh, and one of the 7 US Senators-Who-Are-Really-Space-Aliens will introduce legislation retroactively making time travel insider trading illegal.
Re: thursdays dad on the loose
Posted by: Jo (---.ex.ac.uk)
Date: July 07, 2003 11:13AM
Lol - I did see that story earlier in the year, now I'm waiting for the follow up...
I drink to drown my sorrows. Unfortunately they've learnt how to swim.
I drink to drown my sorrows. Unfortunately they've learnt how to swim.
Re: thursdays dad on the loose
Posted by: Magda (---.dialip.mich.net)
Date: July 11, 2003 04:41AM
LOL! And yes, I believe the Weekly World News is clearly in the supermarket tabloid category.
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"I've often said that the difference between British and American SF TV series is that the British ones have three-dimensional characters and cardboard spaceships, while the Americans do it the other way around."
--Ross Smith
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"I've often said that the difference between British and American SF TV series is that the British ones have three-dimensional characters and cardboard spaceships, while the Americans do it the other way around."
--Ross Smith
Re: thursdays dad on the loose
Posted by: robcraine (---.mcb.net)
Date: July 11, 2003 11:54PM
I think Weekly World News would be very pleased to have been promoted to the supermarket tabloid category.
Rob
--
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
Abraham Lincoln
Rob
--
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
Abraham Lincoln
Re: thursdays dad on the loose
Posted by: Magda (---.dialip.mich.net)
Date: July 12, 2003 04:35AM
Good point.
Re: thursdays dad on the loose
Posted by: Sarah (---.in-addr.btopenworld.com)
Date: July 20, 2003 06:19PM
[www.snopes.com]
Good old Snopes. Much as I should have enjoyed the idea of a real-life time-traveller, I actually write too much science fiction to find it genuinely plausible, so I did a little Googling and... well, see for yourselves!
..........................................................................................
That which does not kill us makes us stranger.
(Llewelyn the dragon, Ozy and Millie)
Sarah
Good old Snopes. Much as I should have enjoyed the idea of a real-life time-traveller, I actually write too much science fiction to find it genuinely plausible, so I did a little Googling and... well, see for yourselves!
..........................................................................................
That which does not kill us makes us stranger.
(Llewelyn the dragon, Ozy and Millie)
Sarah
Re: thursdays dad on the loose
Posted by: Skiffle (---.cache.pol.co.uk)
Date: July 21, 2003 12:07AM
That's a good article - worth checking out :)
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