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ADVICE TO NEW JURISFICTION EMPLOYEES;
Posted by: Will Barrow (---.proxy.aol.com)
Date: March 04, 2005 01:05AM

JURISFICTION: POINTS TO FOLLOW; PLEASE BE AWARE AND HEY! GO CAREFUL OUT THERE...

THE LION THE WITCH & THE WARDROBE;
New rules to follow here guys, remember that when helping the beavers make their dam that you should on NO ACCOUNT bring your own items into the book. We have had 'untrendy' computer desks shuvved in amongst the 'real wood', bracken etc. We do not require your junk! This is not a dumping ground!! Illegal dumpers will be severely punished. Remember, just because you have a jurisfiction badge, does not mean that you have the run of the library!
THE NORTHERN LIGHTS TRILOGY;
I'm sorry guys! But some of you have still been venturing into the trilogy without a deamon! YOU HAVE TO TAKE AN ANIMAL WITH YOU! This cannot be stressed enough! You know full well that you need to reveal your soul and I suggest, as you are undercover taking something characters will not challenge ie a kitten, puppy or small rodent! For God's sake! Last week we had an agent attempt to illfiltrate taking a lion with him .. and who's not going to challenge that? Be sensible people, characters willing to assist you are Plentiful, we have Bambi, Lassie, Shadow & The Hungry Caterpillar all on offer - they're here guys as part of the Jurisfiction Animal Core, ready to assist - MAKE USE OF THEIR SKILLS!
HARRY POTTER (ALL)
Ok! Here at Jurisfiction we realise that there is the trendy book to skip into.. but we have had 78 complaints from one Hermione Granger that she has been forced on several occasions to give up on her studies and retire to the TV lounge to watch Eastenders. As we are made very aware by Miss Granger, she does not 'do TV' 'only books' and you, in your fictional tourism are making her job impossible. Only last week she was so enthralled by the 'Dirty Den Murder' that she almost missed her crucial part in helping Harry & Ron figure out yet another problem, thus leading to salvstion for us all and eventual defeat of 'He Who Cannot Be Named' (And he sat in the 'Green Room' slightly pissed off that he may have had to make an early entrance, thus missing 'The Bill').
FINALLY: THE LORD OF THE FLIES:
Someone nicked Piggies glasses before they were supposed to be lost. Thus leading to all the boys banding together to find them, unison, happiness, nice cohesive unit. They were working as a team! Luckily, we have got Specsavers to make a new pair for our pudgy friend and (as is written) he has lost them later in the book, as is should be. Wewish to remind you that trophy hunting is illegal.
Thankyou for your assistance in these matters -
HEAD OF JURISFICTION..
Thursday Next x
Be Careful Out There!

Re: ADVICE TO NEW JURISFICTION EMPLOYEES;
Posted by: A. Salieri (---.proxy.aol.com)
Date: March 04, 2005 09:36PM

Memo (I wrote this for a fellow music geek/TN fanatic)

To: All new Jurisfiction members (and a few of you who might need a reminder of the rules).
From: A. Salieri and W. Mozart at the Music/Literature Liason Office

Re: Rules for Safe and (hopefully) Enjoyable Forays into the Literature Surrounding the Field of "Western Classical Music"

1. Visits into all non-fiction Histories of Music (esp. Grout's) are strongly discouraged. One anecdote inserted by an inept novice, and the face of music history could be distorted forever.

2. We have received complaints from those of you who are entering "Clara" or "Song Without End" by a Mr. R. Schumann. It is unadvisable to enter a period novel (we're talking 19th century people) dressed as a 26th century Zharkian conquerer. We wish to inform you that if Mr. Schumann, regardless of his fragile mental state, sees any more battle cruisers, action will be taken.

3. Now that it is almost winter, characters froim novels and poetry often wish to vacation in dramatic works. The authors of this letter express a personal wish that all persons entering the work of a Mr. P. Shaffer cannot wear a gray cloak without a valid license.

4. Do not even think about calling us and asking us about the plotlines of Wagner operas. We are still trying to figure that out for ourselves.

5. Tickets to the concerts mentioned in "Doctor Faustus" must be obtained one year in advance, as they almost always sell out.

6. Aqua toffana is not permitted in any works taking place in 18th century Vienna. We know that it is available for sale in certain subbasements of the Well, but we wish that you would not bring it into our books. Thank you!

7. Eric (of the Paris Opera House) wishes to inform all would-be visitors that "Phantom of the Opera" is strictly off-limits to amateurs. Violaters will be persecuted to the best of his ability.

8. The annual Jurisfiction Vivaldi festival (the only occassion where agents are permitted to ignore any calls) will be held on January 23 in "Sense and Sensibility."

Best Regards,

A. Salieri and W. Mozart

Dining Room 3
The Golden Lion Inn, Vienna, Austria
"The Little Tragedies of Aleksandr Pushkin"
Pgs. 34-52

Re: ADVICE TO NEW JURISFICTION EMPLOYEES;
Posted by: bobby (---.skylogicnet.it)
Date: March 19, 2005 05:00PM


Hello,
This is Mr Bobby the manage director of catapillar part store of Nig Ltd of goods, i will like to place an order for the catapillar that u have for sales and i will like to know if u do shipp international and accept creditcard.i will like u to send me ur webiste if u can shipp to my store in africa nigeria so that i can send u the item part of the catapillar i needed and i will like u to get back to me so that i can send u my payment and i pay via Master Card and Visa Card and any payment that is apart from the payment i do not pay for them i only pay with the payment list and i will like u to kindly get back to me so that i can send u my part number that i need in ur store and i will like u to get back to me with the list of the new part that u have for this year and model for 2005 so get back to me so that will can go farwarder and about the shipping method i will like u to make the use of USPS EXPRESS 2/3 days so that i can arrange for the payment asap that i faward u my item list.

Shipping Address Info
30 Araromi Street off layi oyekanmi Mushin Lagos Nigeria 23401.

I will like u to get back to me.
Thanks
Regards
BobbY

Re: ADVICE TO NEW JURISFICTION EMPLOYEES;
Posted by: ScarletBea (---.34.203.62.cust.bluewin.ch)
Date: March 19, 2005 05:10PM

Great, all :)))

Re: ADVICE TO NEW JURISFICTION EMPLOYEES;
Posted by: splatsplatting (195.213.113.---)
Date: November 14, 2005 01:03PM

Do the caterpillar segments come with feet attached?

Re: ADVICE TO NEW JURISFICTION EMPLOYEES;
Posted by: robert (---.syd.ops.aspac.uu.net)
Date: November 14, 2005 11:15PM

The caterpillar segments can, indeed, have feet attached for the extra charge of un cent pied.

Re: ADVICE TO NEW JURISFICTION EMPLOYEES;
Posted by: Puck (---.sfldmidn.dynamic.covad.net)
Date: November 15, 2005 05:19AM

HA HA! Nice one, Robert. Nothing like un peu de Francais to make a groaner of a pun sound sophisticated!



-------------------------
Metaphors be with you!

Re: ADVICE TO NEW JURISFICTION EMPLOYEES;
Posted by: robert (---.nsw.bigpond.net.au)
Date: November 15, 2005 09:46AM

Some people don't like puns and some do:
or, one man's fish is another man's poisson.

Re: ADVICE TO NEW JURISFICTION EMPLOYEES;
Posted by: MartinB (---.is.co.za)
Date: November 15, 2005 05:28PM

That's even worse.



__________________________________
'We're all mad here. I'm mad, you're mad." [said the Cat.]
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "Or you wouldn't have come here."
- Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures In Wonderland

Re: ADVICE TO NEW JURISFICTION EMPLOYEES;
Posted by: Puck (---.brmngh01.mi.comcast.net)
Date: December 05, 2005 10:42PM

On the subject (only partially abandoned, I hope) of advice to Jurisfiction agents, I can just picture a superior officer saying:
"...and I expect results, or your next assignment will be untangling chronology in Catch-22!"
Not only is the timeline a hopeless mess (which is stylistically perfect), but the whole book has a bad reputation for frequent boojummings: people just disappear... they might still be in there somewhere, but once you go in you have a hell of a time trying to get out!



-------------------------
Metaphors be with you!

Re: ADVICE TO NEW JURISFICTION EMPLOYEES;
Posted by: MartinB (---.is.co.za)
Date: December 22, 2005 05:59PM

I resign!



__________________________________
'We're all mad here. I'm mad, you're mad." [said the Cat.]
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "Or you wouldn't have come here."
- Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures In Wonderland

Re: ADVICE TO NEW JURISFICTION EMPLOYEES;
Posted by: Anonymous User (---.mn.res.rr.com)
Date: July 13, 2006 03:34PM

I already resigned, but then I re-signed.

I missed the frequent dodo control assignments at Elsinore. Elsewise how to keep them out of the plot thread. 'When the wind is southerly I know a dodo from a drillbit.' doesn't have the right bite to it.

Re: ADVICE TO NEW JURISFICTION EMPLOYEES;
Posted by: Puck (---.sfldmidn.dynamic.covad.net)
Date: July 26, 2006 04:25AM

"when the wind is southerly I know a dodo from a drillbit"!? Heehee! I don't think you could have possibly said it any better than that!



-------------------------
Metaphors be with you!



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