Jon Brierley sent in the following parody from Samuel Pepys' Diary - it is as good as we have come to expect from the Brierley stable. Last updated: 7th Nov 2002
From Samuel Pepys' Diary
November 7th 1667
(Alcohol consumed; 4 quarts of ale, 2 butts of my Lord Buckingham's canary; similar of sack; 3 pints port. Tobacco; 19 pipes of best shag. Calories; 3 capons, half a roasted sheep, double helping of syllabub, large dish of bacon and mushrooms and half a sprout. Weight; 13 stone 6, up 8 pounds, and my wife very anxious for it).
Up betimes and to Cheapside where I saw my Lady Lustgarter, and she very willing, did repair to pantry and there did avec bon plaisir twice. To Admiralty, work very dull, did amuse myself by writing scurrilous letter about Duke of York, which did pin to notice board. Many readers much pleas'd by this, and is copy'd all over town. His Grace reported v. unhappy, and heard to say he never did such, and anyway it was his own goat.
Lunch with my Lord Rochester, and he full of latest filthy poems, at which I did laugh immoderately. Try'd to fumble waitress, but fell over and burnt left buttock in fireplace.
After noon did return to office and there did work on latest navigation devyces. All useless unless proper time is kept. Memo; must organise production of accurate watch for use at sea. Threw importunate booby Harrison out of office for annoying me with wild scheme for chronometer or some such. Left at three much bor'd.
To the Charing Cross-road, where repair'd to Mistress Foyle's book-shop. Was struggling to follow argument in Mr. Newton's latest when saw strange woman clad as it were in breeches lurkyng behind shelves. Accosted her and she did give her name as Thursday Next, the most strange I ever heard in my life. Very fair, so I did try dalliance, whereat she did knee my groyne, and it most painful. When recovered she did ask me if she were in the year 1667 or just in my Diary, which question I did not understand, and she did call me thirty kinds of fool. Made reference to some beast she did call a lobotomized rabbit, which I never heard before, it not being in Simpkin's Bestiary. Offer'd her lodgings for the night, and was knee'd in the groyne once more. Left her and hobbl'd to Mr. Starbuck's coffee-house to recover.
Over large skinny latte did meet with Mr. Evelyn, and he much pleas'd with himself at having made v. witty remark in his diary. We shall see which of us History will recall when it comes to Diaries, methinks. Told him as much, and he most vex'd and did punch my nose. Thrown out of coffee-house for disorderly conduct, and so repair'd to Fox & Goose to restore spirits with much ale. Attempted to swyve barmaid, had little finger of left hand broken for my pains.
Arriv'd home late that night to find wife berating me at 12 shillings expense for drink etc. this last week, and I indignant, and call'd her termagant and harridan, and she did break large thunder-jug over my head and call'd me several rude names. I stood on my dignity and retired to wash the shitte out of my wig. Drank port, and then try'd to squongle parlourmaid, but in my fuddlement found I was attempting congress with hat-stand, and did injure myself thereby. Apply'd cold goose-grease to damag'd area.
And so to bed.