The Cheese Enforcement Agency
If you think you may have come into contact with an illegal cheese or been offered some for sale, do not consider yourself a snitch or a stoolpigeon and call the CEA immediately. Informing on your friends is not really that bad, and there may be a cash reward to buy some new friends, who will be a lot better than your cheese-guzzling old friends.
If you think you may have inadvertently swallowed a small piece of cheese that you are not physically able to withstand, drink three pints of warm custard, wrap your head in a wet tea-towel and seek medical attention.
Please note: If you believe yourself to have eaten some X-14, remove yourself to a lonely spot in order that your spontaneous combustion does not cause any undue damage to a nearby people or property.
There. We told you it was dangerous.