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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. 4th December 2012

Half a billion Tickets to 2013 unsold, say organisers of Next Year

The organisers of 2013 were yesterday heading off a potential fiscal disaster with the news that ticket sales to the much publicised Next Year were lower than expected.

"We usually see a late uptake around September from customers, but this year we're seeing an enormous shortfall, which might result in some of the attractions of 2013 being curtailed, or even cancelled."

Market analysts have blamed poor ticket sales on a lack of attractions by 2013's organisers, who have admitted that 2012 was 'a hard act to follow', but were confident that the Global Historic Events on the programme would make the ticket price more than justified.

"With 2012 boasting a Diamond Jubilee, an Olympics, a nail-biting US election and Felix Baumgarten's proof that yes, objects with mass do attract one another, 2013 will have to really pull some show-winners out of the hat to stave off a mass suicidal event by a species who yearly crave distraction from the terrifying notion of cosmological irrelevance. If the 2013 organisers aren't careful, militant organisers might be awarded a five-year 'Special' - and it will be 1940-45 all over again. Historically very exciting, but not a huge bundle of fun."

Potential attendees of 2013 were interviewed by this newspaper, and the views were mixed.

"I bought my ticket the moment I heard there was going to be a Royal Baby," said a Mrs Entwhistle of Sidcup yesterday, "and that will be worth the admission price alone - although since I don't follow Rugby or Formula One I'll probably concentrate on the not-really-shocking death of a well known celebrity (TBA), yet another size of iPad, a shocking news story about something we kind of knew already, the rolling out of 4G and the defeat of Scottish devolutionists."

Another potential ticket holder complained that the events in the Eurozone were moving too slow and lacked 'real drama', and added that he'd buy the basic 'Exist-only' ticket for 2013, and then splash out in 2014 with a front row seat for the bursting of the property bubble in China, which 2014's organisers are promoting as a warm-up for the World Cup.

But despite all the problems, 2013 will still go ahead, say the organisers, who are confident that almost everyone alive on the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve will be attending the event whether they want to or not.

"It's going to be a good show," said a 2013 spokesperson, "whether you prefer a new series of Downton Abbey, an Indian Mars Probe or even the Croatian entrance to the EU, 2013 will have something for everyone. It's going to be good."

Josh Hatchett reporting for The Toad
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Chinese Property Bubble collapse - scheduled to be one of 2014's headline attractions. A ringside seat from here will cost you a 700 surcharge (sorry, RMB not accepted) Picture: J. Patrick Fischer

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The Royal Couple, soon after selling the historical rights of their first child to the 2013 organisers for a reputed 7.2M. Picture: Telegraph

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2013 Rugby. A few surprises in store for diehard fans. Watch NZ like a hawk.

Also in the News:

Lack of hollowed out volcanoes major
stumbling block to fledgling Evil Geniuses

The lack of hollowed-out volcanoes, subterranean lairs and islands with ray guns on top of them were being blamed for the lack of young graduates pursuing careers as evil geniuses, the Board of Trade reported this week. As the number of evil geniuses on the planet hits an all-time low, focus groups are pointing out that mad people with a world domination bent were finding the rising costs of evil genius infrastructure prohibitive with the cost of monorails, submarine-swallowing ships and orbiting space stations out of reach of only the wealthiest insane tyrants.

"It's very difficult for anyone to get into the market place these days," said Emperor Zhark from his Palace yesterday, "I was bequeathed an evil galactic empire by my uncle so I'm okay, but for anyone starting up from scratch, I can't see any way forward. Until Governments offer subsidies to Evil Geniuses and the price of henchmen starts falling in line with the sort of wages at PC World, I can't see anyone being in this trade at all by 2018. Except me. Ha ha ha ha. Aaaaaaah ha ha ha ha ha."

Pass the Parcel 'may be rigged'

On the back of the 'Cash to upgrade my child from Shepherd to King' enquiry, senior police officers have made several arrests in what is becoming known as the 'pass the parcel' racket, in which a popular children's party game has apparently been rigged for many years in a culture of institutionalised corruption, where the person on the music may not be turning down the volume at random at all. A team of detectives who are investigating "Things that we've known for years" will be working on the case just as soon as they've done dealing with newspaper phone hacking and the Savile inquiry.

On the inside pages of your top value TOAD:

Moor kills wife over bizarre handkerchief misunderstanding

Past merely 'thing of past', claims present.

Bottled air to follow on from bottled water's success

Nitrogen wins coveted 'most abundant atmospheric gas' award, thanks Oxygen for 'supporting role'. Marginalised Carbon Dioxide pledges: 'that could all change'.

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