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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. Issue 31,623 1st Feb 2008.

Big Issue to introduce
'Quantum' dog

Rambo 4

A copy of 'The Big Issue'

Big Issue Holdings PLC, the publishers of the award-winning magazine based in Brighton, have broken their silence over the rumoured switch to 'Quantum Dog' technology in order to cut costs and streamline distribution networks. The Group Financial Controller in charge of distribution had this to say yesterday:

"Clearly, supporting the 1,032 dogs that currently assist with the selling and distribution of our magazine is a major drain on resources, and if we are to be competitive in the harsh markets of the 21st century, then a switch to Quantum Dog Technology is the right and proper way to go.'

The Big Issue dog, now a familiar site on British streets, is usually recognised by wearing a bandana for a collar and sleeping on a rug. The vet's bills, food, lodging and occasional rubber bone already consume more than 72% of the companies profits, and the Directors of Big Issue have decided to cut their losses and swap all those dogs for one 'Quantum Dog' which is in all places at all times.

'Naturally,' Continued Mr Sharksfinn, 'we will not be making any dogs forcibly redundant, but no contracts will be renewed come Monday, and all training facilities will be shut down forthwith. A generous 'fireside' voluntary retirement scheme will be introduced, and we would expect all dogs to be off the payroll by 2011.'

But how do Quantum Dogs actually work? We asked MultiPooch PLC, the international market leaders in Canine Quantum Entanglement, and their representative told us:

"It all came about by chance, really. During a test firing of the new Hadron particle accelerator at CERN, a small mongrel named Rex accidentally fell in the path of a stream of high-power atomic particles, causing the atoms in his body to enter a spookily weird entangled quantum state, whereby Rex was not in one place, but all places at all times, much like the electron orbiting the nucleus. The huge benefit of this is that you only need to feed one dog, and Rex can be split up into as many different pooches as required, all identical. With the success of the Big Issue contract, we hope to be able to replace the entire sheepdog population in the UK by Quantum-entangalising a collie named Meg from Radnor.'

The Big Issue Quantum dog is already being test-driven in sixteen pitches across Britain. We asked Donald J, who works the corner of Epicure street in Lincoln, for his views.

'I wasn't in favour of it to begin with, but I fully appreciate that companies have to streamline in order to maintain market-share in an increasingly competitive field. Rex is a very good dog, to be honest, and aside from shimmering every now and again as his atoms realign themselves, he's pretty much the same as my last one.'

Wendell Hatchett, reporting for The Toad.


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