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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. 23rd Feb 2008.

Cut-price 'Supermarket' weapons lead to binge killing

An AK-47 assault rifle

Cheaper by the dozen

The link between so-called 'binge killing' and cut price weapons was firmly established yesterday when a long-awaited consultancy paper cited 'irrefutable evidence' that easy access to cut-price weapons lead to binge killing across the world.

"The problem lies mainly with distribution," explained Dr Harkness of pressure group 'Price out Weapons,' "and that ordinary people, who might not generally indulge in so-called 'binge killing' are constantly assailed with tempting packages of cut-price weapons peddled by the world's defence industry supermarkets."

The report went on to say that arms sellers are deliberately aiming their wares at weak-minded psychopaths, who are easily swayed by stacks of budget priced small arms packed high at the entrances of the weapons manufacturers' showrooms.

"It's hard not to resist," said an African warlord who did not wish to be named, "the prices are so cheap it's ridiculous. If anyone looks too young to buy weapons they can always send an intermediary, and the dealers accept all forms of currency, too."

Accusations that prices of small arms, ammunition, and fragmentation grenades are priced unnaturally low angered a leading arms dealer who told us: "This is a highly competitive market place and yes, we agree these arms are all loser-leaders, but we want to attract the shopper in at the door. Usually, once we've sold them a thousand or so AK-47s, we can then get onto recoiless howitzers, torture equipment and a series of armoured cars."

Suggestions that the world's arms supermarkets might come together and agree on sensibly higher prices to dissuade warlords from binge killing have oddly enough been blocked by EU anti-price fixing legislation.

"Listen," said a pleasant looking man in a jersey whose name was Tim, "we'd love to lower the prices of entry-level rifles and handguns, but if we get together with the other arms manufacturers for any reason to fix prices, then we fall foul of EU legislation, and the last thing we want to do is break the law."

Wendell Hatchett, reporting for The Toad.


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