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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. 29th Feb 2008.

Bullshit Offset Scheme to tackle planning projects 'at risk'

a discarde carrier bag

OUT: Carrier bags

Heathrow airport

IN: Third runway

a great crested newt

WET: A newt

Ecologists and Heathrow anti-3rd runway campaigners were confused yesterday when Gordon Brown agreed to ban plastic bags on the somewaht strained contention that to do so might dilute objections to Heathrow's planned third runway.

"The negotiations have been tough but I think we've finally found a way forward," said the prime minister yesterday, "and by banning disposable plastic bags and putting a couple of windmills on Welsh hills, we have clearly demonstrated that this government is committed to a sustainable future."

The deal is part of the Government's 'Bullshit Offsets' scheme, whereby minor concessions to the Green lobby are used to offset criticism of major construction projects.

"Well, it all seems reasonable to me," said a campaigner who looked suspiciously like a stooge, "by banning disposable plastic bags, the amount of CO2 saved will easily offset the colossal increase in air travel that the third runway will bring. I think."

The concept of 'Bullshit Offsets' is not new, and has been used by the airline industry for many years. Although the notion that planting a tree will offset your family's trip to Miami is understood by even stupid people to be 'a crock of shit', the airline industry has recently raised the bullshit bar by boasting of new, radically efficient aircraft that will lower emissions - but then failing to point out that efficiency will also lower ticket prices and dramatically increase passenger numbers.

"It's unqualified horseshit," an industry commentator said yesterday, "there are a million ways in which the government could lower Britain's emissions, but they don't do them because it will harm the economy - and more importantly, re-election possibilities."

The Government hopes to expand the 'Bullshit Offset' scheme by raising the Great Crested Newt's status from 'at risk' to 'endangered' in order to drill for oil in the Peak District.

Josh Hatchett, reporting for The Toad.


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