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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. 5th March 2008.

Limpet Scientists Debate 'Multiple Foreshore' Theory

The colony of limpets discuss matters of consequence

The Limpet scientists gather

A jet pack

Limpet theorist L-15 pictured yesterday

The colony of limpets discuss matters of consequence

What 'alien' foreshores might look like

Limpet scientists on rock GH-345 were yesterday forced to rethink the long-held 'steady state' model of the foreshore in response to a leading Mollusc theorist who has concluded there might be 'multiple foreshores' lying outside their cone of observability.

"The steady-state model of a finite foreshore works very well up to a point," explained Limpet theorist L-15 at a packed news conference yesterday, "and although there is now no part of our foreshore unmapped, Limpet mathematicians have calculated that trace sand particles suspended in seawater are collectively much larger than the quantity of rocks that our own foreshore contains. I regard this as compelling evidence to suppose that there are multiple foreshores out there, somewhere beyond our own observable foreshore."

As little as seventy-six tides ago such talk might have been considered merely 'fanciful', but the Limpet colony that has led the scientific revolution have already rocked the Limpet world with their recent 'life on other rocks' supposition, which has ushered in a brave new world of Limpet mobility. Gone are the days when Limpet citizens would live out their lives on a single rock, pausing only to feed on the incoming tide. An upwardly mobile limpet in these modern times might be expected to move to another rock, trade DNA with pretty young limpets, and even colonize new rocks, either to live permanently, or simply for a place to relax and unwind.

"Before colony GH345's extraordinary work on extra-rock life, we would all still be thinking we were the only ones," said D-28, a Limpet living on the eighth rock of the Rockpool cluster, a distant collection of rocks over two yards away from GH345, and only discovered using a powerful secretion-detecting telescope. "After they sent signals in our direction and we responded, it was like the world just expanded a million-fold. And now this multiple foreshore theory? It really blows my rudimentary nerve stem."

Opponents of L-15's 'expanding foreshore' theory question the existence of something unseeable.

"If you ask me it's all hooey," remarked K-23 during a recent survey, "limpets were a lot happier when all we did was graze on algae and release clouds of eggs during rough weather. Life was simpler and we didn't have any conundrums of existence to worry about."

But the Limpet theorists are not prepared to quit their quest for ultimate knowledge. L-15 and his research fellows are currently working on what forms these other foreshores might take.

"It's all wild conjecture at present," replied L15 when interviewed for Mollusc Week this morning, "but I would hazard a guess that other foreshores in what we term the 'multishore' might be entirely different to ours in fundamental ways, such as the colour of rocks, and the type of seaweed. Who knows? It's very exciting."

Josh Hatchett, reporting for The Toad.

Also inside your Toad:

Thousands of low-paid winkles migrating to Limpet colonies to find work
Limpet homeowners welcome 'hardworking univalves' but claim infrastructure 'unable to cope'

Hair trigger fish prone to 'violent outbursts'
'You only have to mention the tide is turning and he's off,' says long-suffering partner

Illiteracy amongst sea anenomes 'at all time low'
Rockpool schools overcrowded and underfunded, report claims

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Witness states defendant appeared 'unsteady' and walked in 'forward direction'.

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