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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. Issue 31,458 28th June 2007.

'Gruff' Gordon Brown is promoted to 'Stern' in secret ceremony.


Gordon Brown, doing his trademark 'Gruff'.

Dour Scotsperson Gordon Brown has been elected to enter the eighth circle of gloominess yesterday, the second highest position of honour within the secret society known only as 'The Glums'.

Grand Wizard Glummy Gruffperson, in confirming the appointment, spoke highly of Brown's 'commitment to sullen broodiness'. The honour bestows the epithet 'Stern' upon the former chancellor, a title he will be allowed to use on his notepaper.

Brown joined the Glums as a 'Solemn' novice at university, and has risen rapidly through the ranks of the gloomy faithful, being promoted to 'Sullen' within the year and achieving the coveted 'Surly' by 1990. Further upgrades to 'Stony' in 1992 and 'Grim' in 1995 led observers to predict that he could reach the sacred 'Gruff' level by mid-1997, and take the mantel of 'Grand Severe' by the millennium.

These hopes were dashed, however, when several unwelcome moments of levity and an unguarded giggle caused his demotion back to 'Grim', a devastating experience that he is hoping not to repeat.

Wendell Hatchett, reporting for The Toad.

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