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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. Issue 31,367 April 4th 2006.

Granny to replace United Nations

Concerned over its failure to stop the continued slaughter throughout the world and its inability to make itself heard to the majority of nations who -lets face it - use the United Nations as a place to horse-trade over national interests, the UN decided yesterday to replace the central debating chamber, its long-held democratic principals and all of the United Nation's decision making processes to a Granny, elected by no-one and to whom all world leaders would be answerable.

The shocking news came only days after yet another UN resolution was blatantly ignored. Secretary General Kofi Annan told reporters that he regretted having to suspend the United Nations, but conceded that despite over fifty years of concentrated peace-brokering, mankind remains as duplicitous, murderous and as greedy as it ever was. "People just won't listen to us," he added unhappily, "but we have concluded that people do listen to their Gran, so that's why we have taken this unique action."

A pilot project whereby a granny was deployed to halt the war between European nations Syldavia and Borduria resulted in a cease-fire, soccer 'friendly' and then trade talks within two weeks. Granny Perkins of Sidcup, who brokered the deal, remained illusive about her methods but told waiting reporters: 'I just told them to stop being so silly.'
The UN Building, soon to be replaced
  A UN building similar to the one being replaced by a granny.
A Granny

Earlier plans that power would be devolved to a triumvirate of grannies of different ethnicity and religious observance have now been shelved because all grannies agree with all other grannies, and the values of selflessness, hard work and long-termism is now known to be a universal constant.

The search for a granny of suitable experience is Kofi Annan's next task, and until the correct Granny has been found, power has been handed over to an interim power-sharing executive consisting of two elderly aunts, your old headmaster and that guy in the pub who seems to know what's going on.

Josh Hatchett, reporting for The Toad, in New York.
A granny, similiar to the one that will replace the UN.

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