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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. Issue 31,368 23rd July 2006.

Bobsleigh team accused of using gravity to enhance performance
An Iceberg

The British team at work.


How the mysterious 'gravity' is thought to work.

Hopes for the UK four-man bobsleigh team were dealt a serious blow last night when the Olympic authorities accused the team of using gravity to enhance the performance of last Thursday's record-breaking run.

M. Gaston Auberge of the IOC told reporters: 'We are looking into the possibility that the British team may have been using a banned force to give them an advantage over their competitors. We take this very seriously, and will not rule out the posssibility of disqualification.'

Gravity, a nebulous force thought by many to be the caused by the curving effect of mass on spacetime, has been long considered a potential area for abuse by unscrupulous downhill-related athletes.

'They sprint the bob to only twenty miles per hour, but by the end of the run they are doing over eighty,' explained an unnamed source within the IOC, 'if you ask me, there is something mighty fishy going on.'

Although random testing for gravity has been around for many years, the results have always been inconclusive.

'Of course, we're all devasted by the news,' said the captain of the British team, 'we don't know where the gravity came from and we resent the implication that for 97.3% of the run we are not athletes at all, but merely mass.'

The controversy looks set to spread as initial reports indicate that the use of gravity in downhill winter sports is widespread.

Josh Hatchett, reporting for The Toad, London

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