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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. 30th June 2012

Enraged Herbivores Settle for
1.2M over Hay Festival 'misinterpretation' suit.

The organisers of the hugely respected Literary festival in Hay on Wye were yesterday licking their wounds after a class action suit by angry farm animals led to a landmark ruling.

'Obviously, we are disappointed,' remarked a festival spokeswoman yesterday outside the Royal Courts of Justice, 'but now that our last appeal has failed, we have no choice but to stump up. Such a massive debt like this will mean that expensive speakers like Bill Clinton and Tony Robinson won't be back for a few years.'

The legal action stems from an incident seven years ago when the widely advertised 'Hay Festival' was inundated with sheep, cows, donkeys and other assorted ungulates, eager to enjoy a week of talks, demonstrations of baling techniques and free tasting sessions of dried grass.

'We spent a fortune on transportation,' said a Spokesheep yesterday, 'and the DEFRA livestock movement orders alone took months to write out and get approved. But when we arrived at the Festival we were refused entry and then treated with scorn over our apparent misinterpretation of what the festival was about.'

After the 8000 or so assorted farm animals adjourned to a nearby field to consider a week's holiday wasted, it was decided to seek redress in the courts - a first using a little-known European price directive on mutton whose wording is ambiguous and could be used in their favour.

'When I was first approached by the litigants I was astonished, said George Woodbridge QC, acting for the Ungulates, 'but I was swayed by their eloquence, and especially their demand for justice. I agreed to work for them on a 'no win, no lamb casserole' basis.'

'We were putting everything into this suit,' said the same Spokesheep, 'especially as Mr Woodbridge charges up to twenty-eight casseroles per hour, payable in lamb chops or sirloin. If we'd lost it would, quite literaly, have been our backs.'

But it was a trimph tinged with tragedy.

'Due to ongoing out-of-pocket expenses we have had to sell ourselves to meet the bills,' explained the Spokesheep, 'and there are only six of us left to share the payout.' When asked what they intended to do with the cash, the Spokesheep said they would be using it to contest the parlimentary seat for Brecon under the Lib Dem's 'votes for sheep' initiative, a plan, critics say, that will allow them to wrest the majority from the conservatives.

Josh Hatchett reporting for The Toad
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The Hay Festival, surrounded by grass that might
be made at some point into hay.

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A late evening sheep contemplates the webs woven by groundspiders

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The Hay Festival - not really catering for sheep

Also in the News:

David Cameron Saves British Film Industry

British producers were yesterday lining up in order to thank David Cameron for pointing out where they had been going wrong for so many years. The British PM, who exorted Moviemakers to: 'make more commercial films' was being hailed as a saviour.

"For years I had been pouring my money into pieces of shit that had no chance of making a profit," said a film producer yesterday, "when all along I should have been investing in quality products. So that's where I was going wrong."

Cameron went on to say that he would be talking to Pilots about 'flying into mountains less' to avoid casualties, and that sea captains could avoid accidents by 'not steering into islands' - and that the England football team could probably do a bit better if they were 'to let in less goals'.

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