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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. 23rd April 2009.

Cleaner runs amok at the BBC:
John Humphrys condition
described as 'shiny'

John Humphrys

Humphrys: 'Won't need a bath until Friday'


Montague: 'Come up a treat'


Naughtie: Buffed up around the edges'

A contract cleaner was in custody after he went on what police described as 'a cleaning frenzy' yesterday at the BBC's Today Programme News Rooms. The unnamed man, who was in his thirties and described as 'carrying a mop and several tins of polish' was detained after police armed with brushes and a pail of soapy water cornered him in the fifth floor utitities cupboard.

'It was horrible, just horrible', said Mr Naughtie, who was in the news room at the time, and aside from a little buffing round the edges, was relatively uncleaned, 'we were all just arguing over who had to tell John it was his turn to wash up the coffee mugs, when all of a sudden this man just burst in and started cleaning. Before we knew what had happened Sarah Montague had come up a treat, and Evan Davies was positively glowing.'

Other journalists and broadcasters who were victims of this senseless cleaning was Edward Stourton who had his clothes washed and pressed, and to a lesser extent, Justin Webb, who got away with only a slight scrubbing behind the ears. But it was the programme's stalwart John Humphrys who is still on the critically tidy list.

'He just wouldn't stop,' said a tearful Ms Montague, "John was trying to get away, but the man just kept on scrubbing and polishing until he shone brightly. It was horrible, just horrible."

The BBC's security has come in for heavy criticism after the event and an internal investigation is already underway. "Obviously, we vet cleaners very carefully, and all background checks were carried out," said the head of security, "but clearly this is not enough, and we our reviewing our procedures."

John Humphrys was rushed to St Mary's where he is undergoing an emergency 'dirtying' procedure to counteract some of the layers of turtle wax and furniture polish that was rubbed with a circular motion into any exposed skin. Medical experts have reported that 'drive-by cleanings' are rarely fatal, but that Mr Humphrys might remain in a clean and tidy state for some days, and might not require a bath until Friday.

Police have confirmed that an unamed man has been charged with 'going equipped with intent to cause cleanliness' but say that 'investigations are still underway.' Cleaning industry insiders are already linking the attack to that of a radical fundamentalist cleaning group, who last February claimed responsibility for the devastating scrubbing of Fiona Bruce, who remained quite spick and span for several weeks.

Josh Hatchett, reporting for The Toad.

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