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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. 14th March 2009.

Radnorshire Infant to
Solve World Snot Deficit

Snot 1

SNOPEC negotiator (left) with the new Radnorshire Snotfield

Snot 2

The snotfield resting between 'snotting'

The World's shortage of snot was yesterday a step closer to a real and sustainable resolution as negotiators for the Snot Producing Exporting Children or SNOPEC agreed to step up production to twenty million barrels of day, the minimum necessary to keep the paper tissue and handkerchief industries in gainful employment.

"Obviously, we are delighted," exclaimed a spokesperson for SNOPEC yesterday, "when production of snot peaked in the mid-eighties, the shortfall has been something of a worry. Thankfully, a bounteous new Snotfield has been discovered in darkest Radnorshire, and unlike previous snotfields that failed to live up to expectations, this nose is a corker, and not to be sniffed at."

But one of the co-managers of the new Snotfield declared that they would 'take it easy' before raising snot production to full capacity. "We are going to start off with six hundred barrels a day," he continued, "and if the cold doesn't go away, will raise that to two thousand barrels by the weekend."

Fears that the new Snotfield might be pushed 'beyond capacity' was met with resistance by top noseologists yesterday, who declared that the new field was of considerable richness, and would doubtless produce top quality snot 'for the foreseeable future'

The managers of the snot-producing infant, a small girl named Tabitha aged one year, were fully supportive of her efforts to bring reasonably-priced snot to the global market, and strongly denied that TabSnot International PLC had been in collusion with other snot-producing infants to fix prices.

"Many people will recall Tabitha's early work in dribble futures," said her father, "and despite reports to the contrary, at no time did Tabitha overproduce to lower the depressed dribble market in order to secure a controlling shareholding in Dribcom PLC. We totally deny that, and always will."

The FSA were unwilling to comment yesterday but admitted that Tabitha's controlling ownership of 82% of Dribcom was 'under review'.

Josh Hatchett, reporting for The Toad.

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