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Tobacco not harmful,
say Goliath Health Chiefs

"Don't kick the habit - have a ciggy!" Is the slogan for next Tuesday's 'Try a cigarette' day. Following the report from Goliath Health Chiefs that tobacco is actually very good for you, thousands are taking the opportunity to share in the life-enhancing properties of tobacco.

"I was sceptical too," said Health Chief O'Grady, drawing on a cigarette, "but having studied all the evidence, I have to admit that we have been wrong all along. For years it has been suspected that tobacco, or more particularly, the tar, carbon monoxide and other trace elements within the cigarette attack the body in all manner of ways, causing emphysema, cancer, and a whole host of appalling illnesses. From extensive research we have concluded that tobacco actually helps these conditions, not causes them, and we are particularly interested in seeing tobacco as a preventative medicine used from an early age."

Quite how young a child ought to be encouraged to take up smoking is not quite clear, but is dependent upon other factors, such as availability of pocket money. "Children are being denied basic healthcare by parents too mean to ensure they can buy tobacco products," said Mr Wentworth of the Goliath Tobacco Division, "Personally, I find it irresponsible, and it displays the sort of poor parental care that we see all too often these days."

Unwashed and ill educated opposition groups who claim that Goliath's amazing findings are 'tainted' by corporate profit margins have been shown the surprise findings of last year's study on Carbon Dioxide emissions, which proved conclusively that CO2 build-up is actually good for the environment.
Soon to be available to children
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