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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. 6th June 2016

Netflix 'House of Cards'
future 'Uncertain'

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Cashew and co star Jimmi Simpson (Cashew on right) - Netflix

The future of Netflix's award winning TV series about corruption and powerbrokering in Washington was today looking less likely, as a continuing dispute with one of the stars was no closer to nearing a resolution.

Screen Actor's Guild (Cavey Division) member Alan Cashew, who plays the Guinea-pig Cashew in the series was still unhappy with the script on offer for series four, and described the part, through his agent, as 'a less pivotal' role than he enjoyed in Series Two.

"It's clearly a question of discrimination," said his agent today, "and after his break out roll in 'G Force' we were expecting more from an industry that has traditionally never delivered strong roles for guinea-pigs".

Mr Cashew's absence from Series Three has been the subject of fevered speculation, and sources close to the production company say that an ongoing rivalry between Cashew and Michael Kelly who plays Doug Stamper in the series might have something to do with it.

"It's no secret they don't get along," said a former cast member who claims to have been present when the two stars got into a fight on set, allegedly over a united stance on back end residual negotiations, "Cashew always resented being picked up by Mike and used by him to do a Jay Leno impression.' "

Mr Kelly's agent denied that his cleient had anything to do with Cashew's abscence from Series Three and claimed that 'Mr Kelly likes and admires all the members of the cast."

If rumours are correct, we may have missed some cutting edge drama as it was understood that in early Season Three drafts Cashew himself becoming involved in the power struggles between Clair and Frank Underwood, and a 'knockout' scene with Kevin Spacey in the Oval Office, where the guinea-pig's timely intervention briefly saved AmWork from early collapse.

It's a story that Mr Spacey himself seems to endorse.

"It's been one of my great disappointments in life that I have not acted opposite Cashew," said Kevin Spacey yesterday, "we're trying to do everything we can to make it happen. Now that Claire has left me there is a void in the White House that needs filling, and I think the character of Cashew is one of the most underdeveloped in the series. Perhaps as Chief of Staff? I'm not sure. We'll work something out."

"It's not too late to make up lost ground," said Mr Cashew, speaking through his 1.2 million followers on Twitter yesterday, "we've waited almost a hundred years to see Guinea-Pigs in non-cage squeaking roles, and it would be a huge shame to lose any more ground over this. And look, who is the star of this show anyway?"

Josh Hatchett, for The Toad

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** Newly opened Stock Exchange can now exchange Knorr Stockpots for Oxo cubes.

** Gordon the Gecko declares: 'Aphids, for lack of a better word, are good. Aphids are right, Aphids work.

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