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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. 28th Nov 2011.

Leveson Inquiry to interview 3.3 million extra witnesses

Toad News Photograph

The NOTW: Another hapless victim of Lord Leveson's hurtful
crusade against responsible Journalism

Lord Justice Leveson was yesterday outlining his plans to take evidence from the estimated three and a half million customers who bought tabloid newspapers on a regular basis and were thus directly responsible for the newspaper editor's worst outrages.

The shock move, along with the call for a further 1.8 million people who read the the tabloids but didn't buy it, and then a further half million people who usually read the Independent and Guardian but liked to read the NOTW 'for a giggle' but won't now admit it, would be expected to close the first tranche of witness statements, probably around the year 7780.

The large quantity of witnesses was demanded by the Prime Minister in order that a 'full and complete understanding' of the problems regarding ethics in the media were understood, and that 'appropriate remedial action can be taken'.

The five millennia long inquiry is likely to be the longest and largest ever undertaken, with potential witnesses with the surname beginning with 'B' encouraged to start writing their statements now as it is unlikely the inquiry will get to them before they die.

The only difficulty now seen by the inquiry is that by the time the results are know we might all have died by asteroid impact, overheating or war, or that society might have evolved into the sort of place where upskirt photographs of female celebrities and wholly fabricated personal slurs may become rights of passage for the new breed of celebrity. Some commentators believe this may already have happened.

Josh Hatchett, reporting for The Toad.

Also inside your Toad:

Evening Standard so bad they have to give it away

Newspaper hacking - not a surprise to anyone shock claim

Government in thrall to tabloid press not a surprise either

New word for 'Ironic' required now Daily Mail accuse others of 'Mendacious Lies'

Most people now forgotten who Daily Mail enthusiastically supported up to outbreak of WW2. Clue: A prominent Nazi whose name begins with 'H'

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