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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. Issue 31,624 21st Feb 2008.

'Media Law' to be incorporated into British Law 'inevitable', say Press

Rambo 4

A Newspaper yesterday

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'media law' sways a bewildered public

The head of the British Press Association Sir James Wampitt caused fear and alarm yesterday when he remarked it was 'inevitable' that parts of Media Law would be incorporated into British Law.

"Minor irrelevancies such as Facts and Proof have long been a stumbling block in the pursuit of justice," said Sir James to the packed Press Association Meeting, "but by introducing certain aspects of Media Law we hope to be able to bring retribution to those who have managed, by their own conniving mendacity or complete innocence, to evade the law."

Media Law, known also as 'Trial by Newspaper' has been working alongside British Law for many years now, and has been useful during controversial issues by promoting half-truths, conjecture and emotive headlines in order to sway public opinion. Sir James went on to point out that certain sections of the British public lived only under media or tabloid law, and were confused and irritated by a legal system that whilst not entirely perfect, has been fine-tuned to reflect broad moral issues over the past eight centuries.

"I'm a busy man," an adherent to 'Media law' told us yesterday outside a pub in Wigan, "I don't have the time or patience to see criminals get a fair trial. I'd far prefer to have them convicted on the front page of the nation's papers so I can get on with my life."

Sir James defended his views by claiming the incorporation of 'Media Law' was not without precedent, and cited 'Sunday Colour Supplement Law', which had been hugely successful arbitrating on what's fashionable for people with money and no imagination.

"Divorce is also one of the areas in which Media Law can help," explained Sir James, "Media Divorce' would be a quicker and cheaper alternative to the Law Courts, with their outdated principles of sober reflection and reasoned debate."

He cited the latest celebrity divorce of Sir Paul McCartney and Heather Mills which could have been resolved in the media courts as long ago as two years, and at a considerable saving for Sir Paul. Accusations that women in Media Divorces rarely get a fair hearing were flatly denied by Sir James, who declared that Women were strongly protected by media law, as long as they weren't overweight and didn't get 'above themselves'.

While finishing his address, Sir James conceded that there would be certain areas in which British Law would always take precedence, such as accountability.

Wendell Hatchett, reporting for The Toad.


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