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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. 10th December 2012

Rorke's Drift Reenactment Group Heavily Outnumbered

Eyebrows were raised in Guildford yesterday when the Surrey chapter of the Anglo-Zulu War of 1879 reenactment group found themselves heavily outnumbered by their opposite number of the Zulu Wars reenactment society from Kwa-Zulu-Natal.

"We thought it would be rather fun," said Douglas Winnpott, a retired accountant who likes to play at being Lieutenant Chard, "so we invited the Zulu re-enactment society from Kwa-Zulu-Natal to be the guests of honour at this year's Rorke's Drift reenactment."

"Unfortunately," he added, "we underestimated the numbers involved, and instead of the twenty or so we anticipated, it was reported to us that as many as four thousand fully-dressed Zulu warrior re-enactors were about to turn up."

But their problems were only just beginning. Unknown to the British at that time, their guests were approaching in a classic 'pincer' or 'horn' movement - half the coaches were approaching from Woking, and the other half from Godalming.

"We had only an hour's warning," said Winnpott later, "and an unknown number of guests were approaching from both sides."

The large number of guests from South Africa and the potential embarrassment of being unable to produce enough tea and cakes on time had an immediate effect on some members of the reenactment group, who fled. But Winnpott and Truscott resolved to face their guests with only a skeleton crew, and after a hard hand-to-hand struggle manning tea-urns, scone-making equipment and by rapid forays to the local Tesco's for muffins and seed-cake, the host re-enactors stood firm.

"Even after waves of waves of appreciative Zulu re-enactors approached the village Hall demonstrating the battle cries of the Zulu army, we still managed to put on a spectacular tea," remarked Mr Truscott, "even if it did take all night. We were tired, bloodied, scalded and dangerously short of loganberry jam by the time the dawn's early light glimmered in the East, but by God, we gave a cup of tea and at least a bun to each of our guests. Not a man failed, not a man could have done more."

Josh Hatchett reporting for The Toad
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The Surrey Chapter of the Anglo-Zulu war here inquire of their guests how many lumps of sugar are required, while behind a batch of scones catch fire.

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After finding that the raspberry jam has run out, Lieutenant Chard agrees to letting Privates Jones, Jones and Jones make a dash to the local Londis.

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Late evening, and the 2,000 shortbread fingers from Greggs arrive in the nick of time and are distributed to the guests.

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