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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. 5th Mar 2011.

John Simpson visit to Tunbridge Wells ends in collapse of ruling council regime

A crisis has emerged in the small market town of Tunbridge Wells when veteran BBC reporter John Simpson was observed in the main shopping district.

Within minutes, urgent calls were being made by the ruling Town Council to ascertain the size and nature of the potential civil uprising. After consulting both Al Jazeera and CNN and then concluding that the 'Manipulative Imperialist Western Media' were withholding the truth, an extraordinary meeting was convened in which the councillors were divided into two separate factions: those who thought a dialogue should be sought with the dissenters that Mr Simpson had undoubtedly come here to interview, and those who thought they should resign here and now and seek political asylum in nearby Crowborough.

After a robust exchange of opinions a de facto state of emergency was declared, with the police alerted to standby at the council chambers for 'as yet unspecified security considerations'. A confused police officer agreed to send a panda car round to see 'what was up' but when told of Mr Simpson's presence and the potential for civil unrest, a request for backup to deal with looting and potential rioters was immediately despatched to the headquarters of the Kent constabulary who immediately mobilised seven hundred officers in riot gear.

Meanwhile, a small breakaway faction of the Town Council had managed to slip away during a tea break, and decided that positive and immediate action must be the way forward, as the town council's authority would not be compromised. The Police officer in charge agreed with them, and by contacting the local neighbourhood watch scheme the small band of hard-line councillors managed to ascertain that Mr Simpson was moving in a Westerly direction, presumably to meet up with the rebels, and the police's full force was directed toward Rusthall Road.

The residents of Tunbridge Wells, unhappy that their afternoon nap had been interrupted by seven hundred officers were further annoyed that 'aggressive elements' within the force had 'accidentally' damaged several herbaceous borders and Mrs Timpkin's garden feature. The local resident's committee convened a meeting and upgraded the Neighbourhood Watch alert from 'Mildly Miffed' to 'Extremely Peeved'.

This we understand, was the turning point. Within an hour a makeshift civilian army had been raised at the local British Legion, and marched to meet the police now massed on Langton Road. When the crowd failed to disperse and instead bombarded the police with a series of strong glares, shameful shaking of heads and the occasional audible 'tut'. Against this flagrant display of revolutionary zeal, the police were ordered to charge.

At this point the unfolding events become somewhat unclear. It is known that many officers refused to beat up unarmed retired gentlefolk, and changed sides, fighting instead against their former colleagues. Fires were lit, cars overturned, there was a pause for sandwiches at four. Eventually the Town Council resigned, placing supreme executive power to an interim government who immediately pledged to lower the 'Pay and Display' charges and increase litter patrol in the Pantiles. It was at this point that the army arrived in order to protect 'Retailing Interests' in the shopping centre.

By dawn, as the RAF tornados swooped in low to bomb the last few pockets of resistance and leave the once proud town a smoking ruin, it was discovered that the man identified as John Simpson was not John Simpson at all, but an elderly gentlemen with white hair who was looking for his sister-in-law.

Josh Hatchett, reporting for The Toad.

Toad News Photograph

John Simpson goes shopping in Ross-On-Wye

Toad News Photograph

John Simpson visits a friend in Durham

Toad News Photograph

John Simpson goes to the theatre in Cleethorpes

Toad News Photograph

John Simpson on a trip to Woking to view the sights

Toad News Photograph

John Simpson out walking his dog

Toad News Photograph

John Simpson relaxing at home

Also inside your Toad:

Jeremy Bowen's prescence in troublespot not yet 'indicative of news'

Rebels agreed to 'delay start' of protests to fit in with Simpson's schedule, it has recently been revealed

BBC remains World's greatest news service

Fox News reluctantly agree to drop word' News' from title after campaign

Author, despite penning wholly facetious news story, regards John Simpson as the voice of integrity, truth and the guiding spirit of responsible news gathering. While on the subject, the best picture of Simpson I could find to illustrate this story was the 'Friendly Fire' incident, but even I, all mirth and no matter, thought it would belittle the death of Simpson's collegaue and translator. I used the one above instead.

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