On behalf of Mr Jasper Fforde (celebrity grade 9) , I wish to make a complaint to the AUS (Amalgamated Union of Stalkers) regarding the absence of Mr Stalker (Grade 2 no less) who was scheduled to harrass his victim at last night's event. We demand an enquiry.

At this level, blaming public transport is no excuse (grade 9 celebrities managed to arrive, slightly late, by train). We would suggest a downgrading, or possibly suspension. Perhaps young Dante who is planning on hassling Jasper twice in one week should be promoted - or possibly Dell who's met him twice already...

I've met him twice as well! I want to be a stalker!

Does Wilfred the penguin get to be a stalker? Admittedly he doesn't just stalk the one celebrity - he has met quite a few now, but Jasper is his favourite because he's got his own dodo. But as well as meeting Jasper last night, he has shaken flippers with Gareth Thomas, dumbfounded Paul Darrow (quite a feat in itself!), and been used as an impromptu ventriloquist's dummy by Russell Hunter. He's also been cuddled by two actresses you've probably never heard of, though that's not their fault as they are very talented - Tracy Russell and Patricia Merrick.



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That which does not kill us makes us stranger.
(Llewelyn the dragon, Ozy and Millie)

Sarah