A bloke kept phoning my mobile today singing 'Stand and deliver'. I kept telling him he had the wrong number, but he was adamant.



PSD

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This is the work of an Italian narco-anarchic collective. Don't bother insulting them, they can't read English anyway.

PSD, I'm sure I've seen that joke somewhere else in the past two days...

I'm going to bed now, in a sulk, because I can't get on the chat room properly. But! Last night I saw Jasper again :o) I'll stick a mini-report on here tomorrow (if I can get on the computer) and do a proper one for WN, if they want it?



:--

Do something pretty while you can...

Psd, you spoke to Adam Ant?
lucky you!

PSD?

*thwap*
*thwap*
*thwap*

*giggle*

bluebottle, go on chat?

He sounds desperate, but not serious. You ought to stop being such a Prince Charming goody two-shoes and decide whether you reckon he's friend or foe. It's a dog eat dog world...

Ah, but which one of you is the dog?



PSD

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This is the work of an Italian narco-anarchic collective. Don't bother insulting them, they can't read English anyway.

Should I giggle or thwap him?

Answers on a postcard to...

That depends whether you want to encourage him or amuse Kaz. ;-)



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That which does not kill us makes us stranger.
(Llewelyn the dragon, Ozy and Millie)

Sarah

I think the answer to your dog conundrum's to be found on another thread, PSD (sadly some of the text got slightly scrambled during the cut and paste process, sorry about that...)



Sarah wrote:

> My ex-husband %$%j&*@)_ was extremely
> intelligent but a bit too enthusiastic for his own good
> sometimes. He had to retire because his hips were playing up,
> so he went off to be a family pet in the north-east somewhere,
> and when we heard from his new owners we discovered that his
> new best friend was a rabbit.
>
>

-----------------------------------------------------------

* I'm backing the campaign to get the official Stalker for 2007 evicted *

*snork*



..........................................................................................

That which does not kill us makes us stranger.
(Llewelyn the dragon, Ozy and Millie)

Sarah

I was once at a party for a friend's wedding. Very good do, it was. Anyway, at one point I accosted the friends I'd arrived with, and asked them if I was extremely drunk. They said they didn't think so. I said, in that case my feet have just been nibbled by a rabbit in a baseball cap.

And they had.



- - -
I am very interested in the Universe. I am specialising in the Universe and everything surrounding it. - E. L. Wisty

Bluebottle - amuse Kaz: Thack him!

A co-worker just sent me this. I have no idea who the author is...

A thermodynamics professor wrote a take home exam for his graduate students that had only one question: "is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following, and received the only A on the exam:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can, with sound logic, project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

1: So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hells breaks loose, meaning that hell is exothermic.

2: Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over, meaning that hell is endothermic.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Theresa Banyan during Freshman year "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then 2 cannot be true.

Therefore, hell is exothermic.

I had seen that one before, but it's nice to see it again - it's one of those Internet classics!



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That which does not kill us makes us stranger.
(Llewelyn the dragon, Ozy and Millie)

Sarah

Candidates must attempt all questions:

1 History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating extensively, but not exclusively on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.

2 Medicine: You are provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Don not suture your work until your work as been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

3 Public Speaking: 2,500 riot crazed football hooligans are storming the local Citizen's Advice bureau. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Greek or Latin.

4 Biology: Create Life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 5oom years earlier, with special attention to its probably effect on the British parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

5 Music: write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

6: Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems that might accompany the end of the world. Contruct an experiment to test your theory.

7 Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili.

In ten minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

8 Political Science: There is a red telephone on your desk. Start World War III. Report at lengh on it's socio-political effects - if any.

9 Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought, estimate its significance. Compare it with the development of any other kind of thought.

10 General Knowledge: Define the Universe. Describe in detail. Give three examples.


Taken from Twikker 88: Sheffield University Rag Mag (sadly non-existent now)

The Life Cycle of the Orange VW Beetle

Orange VW Beetles start off life as orange and white conical eggs. These are laid in long lines along the inside lanes of motorways in the summer. They can be distinguished from normal traffic cones by the fact that there are never any road works nearby. The eggs rely on heat from the sun, and from the black motorway surface to hatch. After a few weeks, they hatch into grubs, which take the form of “Motorway Maintenance” staff in orange overalls. Again, the giveaway is that no “Maintenance” is ever taking place. During the autumn, these grubs disappear, and pupate into VW Beetles. They can occasionally be seen in their unripe, green stage; quickly turning first to yellow and then to orange. These orange VW Beetles are mobile and can be found throughout the world in huge numbers. Every film or TV show set between 1960 and 2050 has, by law, to show at least one VW Beetle, with a minimum of nine out of ten being orange.

This is just something that I believe to be true.

A policeman pulls a guy over for speeding and asks, "Sir,did you know you were speeding?"
"Yeah, I know,"answered the guy. "I'm late for a meeting so i have to speed to make up for the time."
"Well I still have to give you a ticket,"said the policeman.
"I know," replied the man. "When you're writing the ticket you might as well write me another one cause as soon as you let me go i'm gonna go twice as fast to make up for the time I lost getting this ticket."

A director in an insane asylum, as a reward for good behaviour, decides to bring some of the inmates to a baseball game. When he gets to their seats he says, "Sit nuts." So the inmates sit down. Later, a good play is made, and the director says, "clap nuts." So the inmates stand up and clap just like normal fans. Later, the director is feeling hungry, and since the inmates were behaving he decided to leave to get a hot dog. When he returns sees a riot going on. He asks a spectator what happened. The spectator replies, "all was going well until someone came by yelling, 'peanuts!'"

Three men are found in the wilderness by civilized cannibals. The men are led to a gravesite next to the water. The chief says, 'We will kill you as a coward, or we will let you die honarable deaths for your homelands. You choose the weapon. Either way, your skins will be used to make our canoes.' The first man, a soldier at heart, asks for a handgun. With this, he recites the Pledge and shoots himself. He is carried off. The next man asks for a sword. A warrior at heart, he uses a Japanese katana to commit seppuku as a Japanese man. The last man asks for a fork. 'A fork? asks the chief?' But it's his dying wish, so they hand him the fork. He stabs himself repeatedly in the chest, and yells, 'I HOPE YOUR CANOE SINKS!!'

A visitor to Australia has a car accident and is taken to hospital unconscious. The next day he comes to and asks "Did I come here to die?" A doctor replies "Naw mate, ya came here yesterday!"


Three men an American, an Irish and a polish man were all sentenced for their part in the assassination of the Prime-minister. Their sentence was to be locked in a big room for twenty years, but they could take one thing in with them. So the guard asked the American and he said "I'll take my wife, so at least I can have fun" so the guards brought his wife in and locked in the room. Then the guard asked the Irishman and he said "I need liquor" so he was locked away with 20 years worth of alcohol. Then the polish guy says "I know what I want I want 20 years worth of cigarettes" so he too got what he wanted and was locked up. 20 years later.... The guards opens the Americans door and out comes him, his wife and a three kids and they're all smiles. Next they opens the Irishman's door and he's sitting their laughing his ass off and invites the guard in for a drink. (he has no clue what day it is) next is the Polish man. They open the door and he says "anyone got a light?".

Car Trouble
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it
out. Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."

All courtesy of the Flashman Foundation. These were the printables.



Post Edited (08-01-03 14:04)

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Those who forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

A cowboy was out on the range.
Suddenly he is confronted by an angry rattlesnake that is ready to strike, Aslama Bin Laden with a big machine gun and a lawyer.

His trusty Colt 45 only has two bullets in it. What does he do?

He shoots the lawyer twice, just to make sure.



God was out having a walk when he finds a big hole in the fence between Heaven and Hell.
He gets hold of the devil and tells him "If you don't get it fixed, I'll get my solicitor on to you!"
The devil looks at god and laughs "Where are you going to get a solicitor on your side?"

Nicked from "Angel on the Inside" by Mike Ripley.