Digging around today on my old computer, I managed to find two poems what I'd wrote, and seeing as people were very useful criticising the other one I'd left about, I thought I'd risk these two...


Nostalgia


It is post-modern ironic,
To raise to the iconic
All those bloody TV programs
That our mothers made us watch.

Our pre-juvenile dementia
(and our mothers, in absentia)
Let us store future nostalgia
From that cursed flick'ring box.

Now nostalgia comes to haunt us:
Bill and Ben and bloody Bagpuss,
Take up residence on campus
And they firmly plan to stay.

The nation's conversation,
Now stems from just one notion,
That nostalgia is essential
For our modern cultural ties.

That is, unless:

In nostalgic veneration
Of an older generation
We should bomb the TV stations
And watch radio instead.

But with no more Tellytubbies,
Bob the Builder or the Tweenies,
All the major world economies,
Would soon face a major crash.

And as the TV-loss recession,
Leads us all into depression,
People might just come to mention
'Those good days of nostalgia'

And the bloody thing is back.


==================================


Not me


This is not a poem.
And I am not that clever,
My timing is all wrong,
And my rhyme is without reason.

This is not a love affair,
And I am not a lover.
My timing is all wrong,
And our rhythm without reason.


===============================================

As ever, comments welcome.



Post Edited (07-23-03 23:56)

PSD

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This is the work of an Italian narco-anarchic collective. Don't bother insulting them, they can't read English anyway.

okay, let's see what i can do...

1) Nostalgia

reminds me of a discussion about the good old day when children's tv used to be still children's tv i had recently. I won't discuss the contents level in detail, as i think you should know what you want to express, but just give some formal advice.

You're actually quite fine in terms of meter and rhyme, i'd just recommend that you try to even it to an aaab cccd eeef etc. scheme, there are few uneven rhymes (1st, 4th, 6th, 7th stanza). The teletubbies-stanza is okay acutally as you#ve got at least a graphic rhyme. But as there is still a metric problem in it (economies) i'd consider revising it.

I also recommend adding an extra-syllable in stanza one, line two just before iconic in order to get the meter right, add another syllable (maybe "and" or something like that) as first word of the
first line of stanza 4 for the same reason.


2) Not me

As long as you've really corrected the typos, i've got no criticism here. i like it. (sorry, i know you'd like it better if i had torn it into pieces)



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Colourless green ideas sleep furiously.

(N. Chomsky 1957)

Second one was just a doodle, really, so I'm glad you like it.

Cheers for the stuff on the first one, it's one that kind of started as a rant, and just found its way into some kind of form. Trying to even it up is probably worth the effort, as I quite like the idea that it puts over....



Post Edited (07-24-03 23:47)

PSD

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This is the work of an Italian narco-anarchic collective. Don't bother insulting them, they can't read English anyway.

Nostalgia - Very good. I like it. It has the same rythm to it that 'clancy of the Overflow' does. That's a classic poem by Banjo Patterson, BTW. And the content is, Oh! so true.

Not me - this one has great potential if you flesh it out a bit. I can see song lyrics and number one world wide hits happening here. But I do really like it.







Geez, a whole post directed at PSD without one insult. Steady, girl. Steady!

PSD:

"...it's one that kind of started as a rant, and just found it's way..."

One for two. I refer you to the Oxford Rule, posted by me elsewhere on this fforum... *grin*

Not fair! I'm normally pretty good, but having typed it once with an apostrophe my fingers naturally did it the second time... Anyway, now you've drawn it to my attention I've got it sorted...

I draw your attention to the quote by Holbrook Jackson: "Pedantry is the dotage of knowledge".



Post Edited (07-25-03 01:57)

PSD

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This is the work of an Italian narco-anarchic collective. Don't bother insulting them, they can't read English anyway.