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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. 25th March 2008.

Hats ponder social cost of the 'humanless' generation

a picture of a hat 1

A hat yesterday

a picture of a hat 2

A hat going 'humanless'

a picture of a hat 2

Even the youth hats don't feel the need to have a human under them

The Nation's hats will this week question the social implications of the so-called 'Humanless' generation, and discuss the challenges posed by a modern hat population who these days enjoy an autonomous existence free from heads.

'It's an fascinating subject and one that we've given considerable thought,' commented Mr Brown Derby at the start of Hat-expo '08, 'and now that fewer and fewer hats consider it either necessary or desirable to cover a head, we must look forward to answering new philosophical questions over everything from the correct dent on a Trilby to the Meaning of Life. It's very exciting.'

The modern trend for hats to go humanless was pioneered in the early fifties when a faction of radical hat reformists decided to stay on their hatstands instead of accompanying humans on their pointless daily endeavours. Considered shocking at the time, traditional hat hard-liners have now almost wholly come over to the 'stay at home' movement, with only the fundamentalist Flatcappers remaining true to their roots.

'I agree it was a radical step,' explained Mr Bowler, one of the original 'gang of four' who began the humanless movement with a 24-hour 'stay on peg' in 1956, 'but if we are to evolve as a species and develop art, music and philosophy in our own right, it was necessary to break away from the sometimes debilitating tradition of being carried around on the top of a human.'

A tradition that some hat hard-liners insist is not for breaking.

'I won't pretend that humans are of use because we all know they're not,' commented Mr Flat Capp yesterday, 'and I'd be the first to admit that if I never wore another human again, I wouldn't feel any great loss. However, I do feel that there is a strong argument for wearing the odd human every now and again to simply maintain the three thousand year old tradition - without which there is a strong possibility that Hat society may break down into anarchy and chaos.'

Many other hats share similar worries, but fears of hat disunity have been partly quelled by visiting speakers from Corduroy and Leg-warmers, who decided to abandon humans altogether in the late eighties and have not looked back. But not all hats fall easily into the pro or anti-human camps.

'I just feel a bit naked without a human,' confessed a pro-choice Beret yesterday who was attending Hat expo to make her feelings known, 'and you know, if you get the right human below you, it can really make you look better. I understand the feelings of the Humanless generation, but I also feel it should be up to the individual hat as to whether you wish to wear a human or not.'

Josh Hat-chett, reporting for The Toad.

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