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Do You Have a Nursery Crime to Report?

If YOU are a nursery character to whom an injustice has been perpetrated, or have become a victim of crime comitted by a nursery character, then please get in touch using our secure and discreet email service:

++Stop Press++ The NCD thanks the public for the overwhelming response to its request for nursery crime reporting, but regrets that due to the upcoming 'Tortoise V Hare' race, all crimes will have to be reported in person at the NCD offices in Reading.

Thank You - DCI Jack Spratt


Dear Mr Spratt,

I wish to report a crime on behalf of a good freind of mine, Jack. Jack recently came into a sum of money and I fear his wife, Jill has got it in for him.

Yesterday I witnessed from my bedroom window the young couple climbing Well Hill. Jill seemed to be carrying a large metal bucket. It was an idillic scene and a small smile crossed my lips. However, as they reached the top of the steep climb Jill seemed to point at something in the distance at which point Jill swung the bucket and hit Jack with some force. Jack fell and seemed to tumble down the entire length of the hill. I was quite afraid for the lad but he shot straight up and with blood pouring from his head ran to his home.

Jill seemed shocked that he was still able to move and began to run down the hill after him. At which point she tripped and also fell down.

I called the police but they refused to take my call saying that it wasn't their department! Well I couldn't just sit around and so went straight to the couples house. There I was shocked to see an obviously very concussed Jack lying in bed with a brown paper bag on his head while Jill poured a jar of Sarsons (c) vinegar on him. On seeing my shocked face Jill insisted it was an old family remedy and ushered me from their home.

I fear that poor Jack will not recover unless something is done forthwith.

Yours Fearfully

Timmy Mouse

(Submitted by Phil Goode, 21st July, 2006)

Dear Mr Spratt,

I am a butler in the King's household, and would like to report a vicious crime against a fellow member of staff. Last Tuesday, the chef entered the dining room and placed upon the table a most delicious looking pie. As the King was about to cut up said pie, a yellow beak pushed up through the pastry, followed by 23 others. You can imagine the racket they made, having been fully aware of being enclosed in pastry and placed in a hot oven. How they survived, I don't know.

Several hours later, a maid was ruthlessly attacked in the garden. A blackbird, most likely related to one of the four and twenty, was seen swooping straight for the maid, and was then seen flying off with her nose. This was clearly a revenge-driven attack on an innocent party, and cannot be tolerated. This blackbird must be found before everyone in the London Borough lose their noses.

I leave this matter in your capable hands, and hope the blackbird does not have a case for baking with intent to harm against the chef, who really is a very good cook.

(Submitted by Joanne Wyton, 15th July, 2006)

Dear Mr Spratt,

There's a rumour that a certain cat [who's on the fiddle] may be about to launch a cow into orbit and eventually around the moon. this is without permission from NASA or the european space authority. It is suspected Golliath com. are behind it and hope to use the oribiting bovine as a satallite-TV reflector. There also may be some cutlery invovement [fork/spoon] As I am a government employee try to to keep my name out of it.

Of course, Colin Ramsbottom, only too happy to respect your anomnity.
(Submitted by an unknown source, 12th July, 2006)

Dear Mr Spratt,

As a concerned and upstanding member of the public, I wish to ask for police protection with regard to the sudden influx of 'undesirables' into my town, they are fairly easy to recognise and seemed to be dressed some in rags, some in tags and one seems to have the audacity to be dressed in very worn velvet gown, If the Police and more especially the NCD cannot help resolve this matter I'm afraid that my guard dogs will be allowed to more than merely bark at them!

(Submitted by Aiken Drum, 12th July, 2006)

Dear Mr Spratt,

I feel compelled to write and notify you of an incident with regard to our pet rabbit Floppity,which has aroused suspicion and caused my family great concern. Floppity is (should I say was?) a large lop rabbit with distinctive brown and white markings.

My daughter went out to the garden feed Floppity one morninga few weeks ago, and returned to me - much distressed - saying that Floppity had disappeared. Our suspicions that Floppity had not simply escaped were aroused when, on close inspection,the hutch door appeared to have been wrenched open by a crowbar.A few days later events took an more disturbing turn when my husband discovered, whilst painting the garden fence, a small animal's hide with Floppity's distinctive brown and white markings hanging off our neighbours garage door (obviously being tanned). My husband immediately visited our neighbours, a Mr. and Mrs. Bunting, to question them about this. Mr. Bunting hurriedly explained that the item seen hanging on his garage door was merely a decorative shammy leather, bought from Halfords, which he was drying out -having used it to polish his car. My husband, being 5' 7" tall- and Mr Bunting being around 6' 4" - decided to take his word for it and came home to finish painting the fence.

A few weeks later I met Mrs. Bunting whilst queuing at the checkout in our local Co-op. When she noticed me staring at the fur jacket that her six month old baby was wearing, she hastily insisted that it was synthetic and had bought it only the day before in the M&S sale. However, I would recognise poor Floppity's markings anywhere - and even noted the clever use of his ears as the lapels.

I would be grateful for any advice you can offer with regard to what action we should take in this matter.

Yours sincerely,

Mrs. Vanessa Nettleworthy

(Submitted 10th July 2006)

Dear Mr Spratt,

I'm writing to you hoping that you will discover the current whereabouts of my husband Erich who was kidnapped from his favourite well under the linden-tree in the Great Dark Wood, then thrown against a wall, subjected to extensive surgery, forced to marry the King's Daughter and finally brought to an unknown place in a carriage drawn by eight white horses.

No doubt you have read the article in The Toad titled 'Royal waddler's second spring' and I trust that you will not believe a single word of this ill-informed and malicious report when conducting your search. Despite popular belief, my husband is not a prince, but in fact king, and has been married to me since once upon a time. The very idea that Erich had been turned into a frog by a wicked witch and released by the chaste King's Daughter is laughable, especially when taking into account that girl's past life, of which last year's indecencies with both The Ass and The Cock of popular German deathrock band 'The Bremen Town Musicians' are only the tip of the iceberg. I can safely confirm that Erich has always been a frog since we were introduced at Thrushbeard's wedding back in 1812 by Erich's uncle Kermit, also a frog.

I can only assume that my husband was either abducted for his famous spawning potency (the King being desperate to have his wild child married with kids at last) or because of his riches. Contrary to the reports, the golden ball does NOT belong to the King's Daughter but is an old family heirloom of my husband's and one of a pair.

Dear Mr Spratt, please find my darling husband and return him to the loving arms of his queen and 1489 children. If, however, your impartial and discreet investigations should reveal that there is truth in what the woodman's wife privately confided to me about Erich OFFERING the King's Daughter to show her his playthings before hopping off to her bedroom, I'd be grateful if you could forward my letter to Mr and Mrs Punch.

Yours sincerely
The Frog Queen

P.S. It might help to speak to Erich's personal bodyguard, Mr Henry Iron Faithful, currently recovering from a heart attack he suffered following the dreadful events.

(Submitted by Katharina, 7th August, 2006)

Dear Mr Spratt,

I don't know if you can help, as I am unsure if a crime has been committed. If not, could you recommend someone to help? My daughter married 3 months ago to a lad who seemed deeply romantic. He was always singing to her and plying her with sweet words and, although she could have had the pick of them with her long, curly tresses, he won her over. We were, of course, delighted. Now, we fear for her well-being.

Whenever I visit there are dishes piled up in the sink, unwashed. The pigs are, I think, dead now, starved to death poor things. My daughter is emaciated and her teeth pink; I think all she eats these days is strawberries, so I shudder to think how she will be in winter. She never leaves the tattered beanbag in the living room and never ceases her sewing, though her fingers are bloody and raw. I fear her husband may be encouraging this behaviour, or even enforcing it. Please help.

Yours desperately,
Mrs Lockes

(Submitted by Skittle McFluff, 7th August, 2006)

Dear Mr Spratt,

Assault with Deadly weapon crime report
Victim: David Taff Cardiff, Wales
Suspect: Male white 40- 45 years
Weapon used: poker
Victim, Taff, reports an unknown assailant entered his home in the early morning hours. The attacker took up a poker from victim s hearth and began to beat him about the head with the poker. Victim suffered numerous abrasions, contusions, and hematoma before the assailant inexplicably broke off the attack and fled the residence. During the assault the suspect accused Mr. Taff of repeated acts of thievery involving foodstuffs and sewing notions taken form the assailant s home. Mr. Taff was unable to give a description of his attacker, however neighbors had recently seen the above described suspect lurking about the Taff household when Mr. Taff was not at home.

(Submitted by Leslie, 9th August, 2006)

Dear Mr Spratt,

I recently visited Reading and was staying in a rented cottage for a few nights. All in all it was a pleasant stay, except every night a 8:00 some guy ran upstair and downstairs in his nightgown. He would knock on the window and then yell something through the lock about all the children being in bed. I'm all for freedom of expression, but I don't even have any kids! So what's up with that?

(Submitted by Zita, 14th August, 2006)

Dear Mr Spratt,

Wool theft! Three black sheep cruelly baaarbered! Witnesses at the scene say that a local gang comprising Mark Aster, Dora Ame and 'Boy' Liddel fled with three bags full and evaded capture by irate locals after escaping down a narrow lane. The last known location of the scissor wielding threesome is said to be Wool in Dorset. Considered to be armed with deadly fabric softener guns they should be approached with caution and apprehended ASAP. All necessary force should be used to restrain them as it is likely that they are prepared to dye for their cause.

(Submitted by Ragnog the Viking, 31st July, 2006)

Dear Mr Spratt,

I am writing to inform you that I suspect foul play in the recent death of my neighbor and fear for my life and the lives of my neighbors. During the rainstorm that started two days ago the Old Man finally bumped his head one too many times and now he's only out of bed because the paramedics took him out in a body bag. I suspect it was Little Johnny who did it. I had assumed that the Old Man was just clumsy and that's how he always ended up dead to the world during and after a big rain storm. However, earlier this week I spotted Little Johnny down by the Old Woman's Shoe with what looked like a croquet mallet whacking the stuffing out of a tree while angrily reciting his little rain, rain go away, come again another day song. And just this morning I looked out my kitchen window to see if it had stopped raining yet (it had) and saw Little Johnny in his back yard with the croquet mallet once again in his hand whacking around balls that had been painted to look like my head. The little bugger was not practicing for the SuperHoop.

I think it's fairly obvious that Little Johnny has been whacking the Old Man on the head all this time and now that he's finally killed him he's chosen me as his next target. You have to protect me, my head isn't as tough as the Old Man's and it won't take too many "bumps on the head" before I too will be dead. The Old Man deserves justice. Please get started on this case now so more Nursery Rhyme folks don't end up like the Old Man.

Mr. Pussycat

(Submitted by Aleshia, July, 2006)

Dear Mr Spratt,

The other evening I was out sailing in my boat in Reading Park with my son Andy. As like always we sailed with great care remembering to be merrily and to take life like a dream. But a awful accident was waiting round the corner. A large crocodile with very sharp teeth just jumped out of the water and Andy, whom is usually on guard, forgot to scream. The horrible croc ate him in one and he was never seen again. Please DCI Spratt help arrest this evil crocodile.

Your Faithfully

Mr BirdsEye (Reading RowRow Boat Club Chairman)

(Submitted by Daniel Rose, 28th July, 2006)

Dear Mr Spratt,

During my *cough*undercover*cough* investigations into mistreatment of nursery characters in modern day britain, it has come to my attention that Master T Tucker has an excellent singing voice, and has been seen on many a grand stage. Unfortunately, it appears that he is underpaid, and only recieves brown bread and butter, which he has frequently confessed an allergy to.

This outrage cannot go on!

Not only is he in violation of the law by working without a work permit, and not recieving the barest minimum of legal wages, but he is also costing the national service close to hundreds of GBP in treatment for anaphalactic shock.

I thought the NCD would be best to correct this problem

Yours Sincerely

Mizzy (Undercover agent for MI5, but don't tell anyone)

(Submitted by Miranda, 26th July, 2006)

Dear Mr Spratt,

Last night in a coordinated swoop a number of establishments were raided in the on going battle against the illegal trade in unfashionable Russian wool products.

During the early hours a Ms Ewenoir was questioned about a quantity of material found in her possession.

Ms Ewenoir, BB to her associates, confirmed that she was holding a large amount of fleece but could not confirm it s source.

Upon examination it was determined that there were bags stuffed to the top. The bags, three in total, were sent to the forensic laboratory for analysis where it was determined that the origin of the material was the Outer Hebrides not Russia.

Upon being informed that her items were clean and that she was free to go Ms Ewenoir stated that to stop any further misunderstanding her intention was to donate the wool to three suitable people.

She stipulated that the following requirements need to be fulfilled for a person to qualify for a donation of one of the bags, they are;

1. A male who is a highly qualified school teacher in charge of a large number of pupils.
2. A male with female dress sense employed at Christmas, on stage, entertaining children.
3. A small male youth who inhabits a dwelling within a narrow thoroughfare.

All enquires to Ms B. B. Ewenoir, Fleece Farm, Reading

(Submitted by Martin G, 28th July, 2006)

Dear Mr Spratt,

Although not technically a crime as such... I was wondering if it would be possible for you to point me in the general direction of legal advice with regard to injuries sustained on a recent trip to Gloucester.

Whilst en-route attend to a medical emergency I accidentally stepped into a puddle and found myself emersed right up to my middle in the foulest smelling water. I feel it must have been the fault of workmen who had left the cover off a manhole in their haste to get home for their tea.

In addition to suffering whiplash, my suit and new leather shoes are completely ruined.... one thing I am completely sure of with regard to the City of Gloucester... I will NEVER be going there again!!!

Dr. S. M. Foster

(Submitted by Jeff Huddleston, 31st July, 2006)

Dear Mr Spratt,

I would like to report a crime of spousal abuse. It concerns a Mr. Pumpmkin-eater and his wife. He claims he couldn't keep her & roughly dragged her out by her hair. He put her in an enourmous pumpkin shell. When we neighbors complained to him about the treatment of his wife, he simply replied: "I keep her very well.."

(Submitted by Kathy, 3rd August, 2006)

Dear Sir

I realise that Sparrow has already confessed to the murder of Cock Robin but if you refer to the statement by the Fly (who saw him die with his little eye), you will see that Sparrow couldn't possibly have used a bow and arrow. She wouldn't have been able to pull her wing back far enough to send the arrow off like that. Besides, Sparrow and Cock Robin were having an affair. I think you need to reopen this case as Sparrow is clearly innocent. My money is on Cock's "love" - the Dove - who I believe found out about Cock's affair with Sparrow.
P Flinders, Mrs

(Submitted by Annette, 4th August, 2006)

Dear Mr Spratt,

As I write, a thunderstorm rages above my head and fills me with dread. It looks as if it will continue to rain well into the night and all I can forsee is another sleepless night due to the loud snoring of the old man next door, followed by the recriminations of his wife when he fails to get up in the morning.

I am greatly concerned over this for two reasons. Firstly, the noise he makes is akin to a buzz saw and it severely disturbing my rest. Secondly, and to me of even more concern, everytime he retires to bed when it is raining, the snoring is preceeded by a sound that I can only liken to that of a croquet mallet being swung repeatedly and with great force against a solid wooden object. Since my neighbour's bedhead is against the party wall, it cannot fail to be heard in my own bedroom.

I am greatly concerned for the old man's welfare, but the local police refuse to get involved in what they term as a "domestic". Would it be at all possible for you to investigate, as I am concerned for the old man's welfare and my own sanity which is being erroded by lack of sleep.

Yours, a concerned neighbour.

(Submitted byNicola Rudd, 7th July, 2006)

Dear Mr Spratt,

I am contacting you to report an act of criminal damage. This afternoon I went to wind up my grandfather clock. I entered the hall just as it struck one pm. I was amazed to see a mouse run down it in shock. After this I examined my clock for damage, and have found that there are numerous scratchmarks on it. This means that the clocks value has been reduced by a considerable sum due to the disfacement. I would be most grateful if you would investigate, in an attempt to catch the vandal. Yours Faithfully, Dr Hickory

(Submitted by Stephen Lornie 29th June, 2006)

Dear Sir

Are you able to offer me any assistance? My youngest daughter Polly has taken to sitting too close to the fire on chilly mornings complaining of cold feet. This, as I am sure you understand, has caused her to singe more than one pair of tights, not to mention several skirts, trousers, shirts, vests etc which no matter how many scoops of oxi-action I add to my wash never return to their original state. Last Tuesday I reached the end of my tether, having found my daughter to be sitting yet again on the hearth wiggling her toes dangerously in front of the flames I slapped her wrist and dragged her away. Needless to say she screamed, kicked, stomped, punched and refused to eat her breakfast. The noise alerted my neighbour who lives in a shoe (and was recently before a judge herself accused of child cruelty and has spent all her days since trying to make other lives as miserable as hers) and I am now charged with child abuse and facing several years in prison and my daughter is faced with years in foster care. I assure you that I meant no harm to my daughter, quite the reverse in fact, I have always tried to persuade her of the dangers of playing with matches, fire and electric blankets to ensure her safety. Before she developed this rather strange fascination with heat and fires she was a loving, happy, carefree child.

I await your reply with eager anticipation.

Yours faithfully

P Flinders, Mrs

(Submitted by Phyllida, 29th June 2006)

Dear Sir

I am writing to you on the subject of Mr L T Tucker, formerly known as Thomas, who recently has adopted the stage name "Little Tommy". He earns his living by performing at restuarants. Generally he is paid in tips, and the restuarant provides him with left-overs, such as brown bread and butter.

Although Mr Tucker has a remarkable singing voice, his lack of runaway success stems from the fact that he has a habit of bothering the restuarant patrons after a while. And this brings me to the reason for my letter.

I am concerned about Mr Tucker's wife, who features regularly in his songs. There are rumours that she was last seen over two years ago, and I have personally never seen her. Certainly nobody has seen her since Mr Tucker began his singing career. I fear that his obsession with knives may indicate that she has come to some harm, or that he is intending to harm her.

I trust that you will have time in your busy schedule to make a few discrete enquiries.

Yours sincerely,

Duckworth Lewis (not the cricket umpire)

(Submitted by Duckworth, 11th March 2006)

Nursery Crime Division at Reading

I am being stalked by a little white lamb. Despite my repeated pleas that the lamb leave me alone,it follows me everywhere, even to school.I am a nervous wreck and am now afraid to leave my home. Please contact me with information on obtaining a restraining order.

Thank you

(Submitted by 'SGoldst')

Dear Sir/Madam,

I wish to report a most henious crime involving the use of mind-altering substances oninnocent animals.To see the look of surprise on the female bovine's face as she catapulted herself over the moon was a sad comment on today's society. The fact that she landed safely was more good luck than good management. I blame the Cat and the Fiddle myself. Mind you, the Fiddle probably wouldn't have the guts to do it by himself.

What made it particularly alarming for me was that my dog actually LAUGHED at the sight. I think 'They' have been doctoring his food. I'm beginning to think that 'they' have doctored mine too. I swear I just saw a Dish run away with a Spoon!!

Yours Truly,

H. Diddle-Diddle (ret.)

(Submitted by Patricia, 2nd February 2006)

To Whom It May Concern (NCD),

I must admit that I am somewhat unwilling to even contact you. Both the police and the justice system marginalize my species to such an extent, that I don't really expect anything to be done about this.

However, I draw your attention to the whole "Riding Hood" fiasco. You will note certain irregularities with the witness reports. I will point out the following:

1. On the day in question, when "RED" was "riding in her 'hood", Mr. Wolf was in Swindon for a Croquet match. His credit card receipts clearly show this fact. As well, twelve members of the displaced "Northumbrian Pack", all wolves in good stead in their communities, have offered to sign affidavits on behalf of Mr. Wolf, citing his whereabouts.

2. Mr. Wolf has severe arthritis in his jaw, and has been on a diet of pureed or liquid foods for some months. He couldn't have posed the threat suggested, nor spoken at length, as Miss. "RED" claimed.

3. "Granny", whom Mr. Wolf has been accused of imitating, has three outstanding warrants with Interpol, was once a makeup assistant to Bela Lugosi, and seems to have conveniently disappeared on the day in question. The Israeli intelligence service has recently spotted a woman they believe to be "Granny" on a security tape in a Jerusalem mall.

4. Facial experts, including the eminent DR. M. Dee, have signed reports that Mr. Wolf (a dashing looking gent) couldn't possibly be mistaken for (in the words of Dr. Dee) "that old baggage" unless you were "high as a kite". Please note that "RED" has no history of drug use, so it seems likely that "RED" herself was involved in this scam.

Lou Pagaroo, Esq.

(Submitted by Lou, 29th January 2006)

To Whom It May Concern (Hopefully DCI Spratt),

A young man that lives here in Arlington, Texas seems to have met with a bit of a bad end. Two weeks ago, young ReidRyding (16) dissapeared along with his family's cherry-red Camaro after leaving to take a bag of fast-food to his apparently grandmother who was apparently sick with flu. Reid's mother, Redd Ryding- Hd, seemed unconcerned when the news of her child's dissapearance and stated rather cryptically that "this has all happened before". When Mz. Ryding- Hd was informed that her grandmother, Grandmother, could not be found, she declined to call the police and instead contacted a local wood-cutting service, leading us to believe she had gone mad with grief.

No suspects has been named as-of-yet, but local character Bigby Wulfe in considered a person-of-interest by local investigators. Mr. Wulfewas recently interviewed by a reporter for the Fort Worth Star-Toadegram where he blamed his sudden andincredible weight gainon digestive gasses. During the interview, Wulfe manifested acase ofTourette's Syndrome, as he frequently cried out for help in two distinct voices. The police seem baffled, and have turned to the community for assistance.

I am not a professional detective, but having read all of the Thursday Next novels as well as Sgt. Mary's account of the investigation following Mr. Dumpty's demise (did Mr. Fforde allow her to use his name or did Sgt. Mary write the Thursday Next accounts as well?), I felt I was fully-equipped to tackle the situation; furthermore,I was intrigued by the case's similarity to a story I once read as a child (I can not recall which one, though I trust the professionals of the NCD will be able to determine which story I am refering to). My own investigations have led me to believe that Grandmother may have had a previous relationship with Wulfe and that he may have had a life insurance policy drawn up in her name. My investigations have halted here, though, as I have no official powers I can use to compell my witnesses to testify for the police.

I direct this request for help to the British NCD as we have no agency that deals solely with the detection and prevention of Literary crime in America. I had originally intended to contact SpecOps 12 as I was certian the previously mentioned story was prose rather that poem, but my repeated attempts at contact have met with no response.

If you have any contacts within the FBI or other agency (I'm sure the family is from somewhere in Europe, so maybe Interpol could help) would you please pass this along to them. If Bigby Wulfe as eaten Grandmother and Reid (as I have come to suspect) then time may be growing short as they could be digested any day now.

R. Beatty
Arlington TX

PS: If I could also convey my congratulations to Sgt. Mary Mary on the quality of her account of the Humpty Dumpty killings. I also would ask that if Sgt. Mary has any contact with Mr. Jasper Fforde (or if she IS Mr. Fforde, which I have come to suspect) would she please pass on my admiration and respect for his Thursday Next novels.

(Submitted by Ryan, 18th January 2006)

To whom it may concern,

The other day upon the stair, I saw a man who wasn't there. I don't know how he got into the house, or why he is so taken with the stairway, but as he always seems to not be there when I look, I am begin to find his stalking quite irritating, and indeed, a little frightening. The regular police claim that they can't issue a restraining order until I can prove he is there for a number of weeks, but I thought perhaps the NCD might be able to do something more helpful. It really is affecting my life and judgement. He wasn't there again today, I'm sure of it. Really, I just wish he would go away. Can you help?

Hon.Ted R.D. Lusional.

(Submitted by Heather, 8th January 2006)

To whom it may concern,

My name is Gretel Garbo my brother has been found dead in the forest covered in some kind of bubbling substance. I know we are out of your jurisdiction but you in the Nursery Crime Division may be our only hope! Here we are second class citizens, no one cares what happens here. Please help.

Sincerely, GG

(Submitted by Michael, 10th December 2005)

To whom it may concern

I would like it noted for the record that I did not kiss the girls & make them cry. They cried because I refused to kiss them!

I ran away from the boys because Goldilocks told her boyfriend Tom - the Pipers Son that I had kissed her, have you seen the size of Tom?!

I hope this clears the matter up and that I will now no longer suffer persecution

Yours trurly

Georgie Porgie

(Submitted by Tracie, 3rd November 2005)

I have spent a great deal of time cultivating my yard and garden so that I may enjoy a leisurely repast outdoors, when it suits me. Flowers. Trees. I've even built up a little hill of grass with a low stool on top of it (a tuffet on a tuffet, if you will) so that I may sit and survey the lovely surroundings I have so enjoyed tending. Each morning, however, while I eat my breakfast (cottage cheese -- plenty of calcium and protein to start the day), I find myself plagued by a most unwelcome visitor. I have made it extremely clear to this disturbing looking spider that I have no desire for his company, yet along he comes to sit down beside me, every day. This morning, I told him that I would take matters into my own hands and squash him flat as a pancake (hmm... now, there'sa thought for breakfast), but it was an idle threat.I am no murderess. So, as has become the pattern of these distressing meetings, I fled back inside to enjoy my gardens from the confines of the kitchen. I might just as well have painted a picture of flowers as tended them myself. Surely, you must agree, that I should not have to begin each day this way, in confrontation with a leering stalker. I request your assistance as soon as possible.

Sincerely, L. M. Muffett

(Submitted by CJ, 25th August 2005)

Dear Sir,

I am writing on behalf of myself and my two friends. As mice, we have throughout our lives had to suffer the tribulations of mousism - people run scared as soon as they see us, they leave traps about carelessly etc. Is anything done about this in today's society? Not a thing. To add to this, we also have to put up with the stigma of being blind. And let me tell you, that DOESN'T help when it comes to avoiding all those darned traps. As an example of this horrendous unjustice, I would like to draw your attention to an incident that happened just the other day. There we were, minding our own business, when from nowhere, the farmer's wife brutally attacked us with a carving knife and chopped off our tails.

And what did the so called 'authorities' do? Nothing, thats what. They seemed to find it funny - I quote, "Did you ever see such a thing in your life?", they said.

I would like this reported to Complaints Commission and let justice be served!

Harvey Cheesemonger from The Mousehole Just Behind The Aga.

(Submitted by Gareth, 21st August 2005)

Dear D.I.Spratt,

We have tried several unions in our desire for justice in equal rights for elves and our working environment. Our reason for this is that our so called "employer" the Shoemaker leaves us each night to wade our way through innumerable amounts of pairs of shoes to mend.We take great pride in our work but do not like the way we are treated as slaves NO PAY, NO BREAKS, and not even acknowledgement of our existence. Please help us take action against this law-breaker.

Yours sincerely,

The Elves

(Submitted by Paul, 16th August 2005)


I am compelled to complain to you of an outrageous act of discrimination and prejudice on behalf of the "Genius" Book of Records. Recently I attempted to break the world high jump record, which I must say I completed successfully beyond my highest (if you'll forgive the pun) expectations. The moon having been unequivocably jumped over by myself, witnessed by four independent and supposedly impartial Genius representatives, I was then informed by letter seven months later that because there was no reliable measure of my exact jump to the nearest centimetre, my attempt was void. I wrote back by return of post, stating that it was Genius' responsibility to make the measurements, and that I had warned them in advance that they may need to station an observer on the dark side of the moon. I am as yet awaiting a reply, but I am convinced a human athlete would not have faced such bureaucratic twaddle as I am facing. I am forced to conclude Genius is prejudiced against cows, or perhaps non-human record-setters in general.

I should add that the representatives at the jump did not conduct themselves in a manner which I believed appropriate to the situation. Indeed, the little dog laughed, seeming to think my attempt a matter of fun - and Mrs Dish ran away with Mr Spoon, thereby not witnessing anything at all. The cat, although intent on making music, was at least appreciative of my efforts. I am sorry, but the whole thing sounds like one enormous fiddle.

I trust my case is within your remit, and I thank you in anticipation of a response.

Miss Ayrshire Cow

(Submitted by Ross, 11th August 2005)

Dear Inspector Jack Spratt,

As a respectable Reading citizen, I am outraged by the flooding of nursery characters to my hometown. Every night when I try to go to bed, I am able to hear quite clearly what I strongly suspect is a cow jumping over the moon. Now, is it utterly necessary that the cow do this EVERY night to maintain the nursery rhyme accuracy? I am only human, Mr. Spratt, and I need my sleep! Thank you.

Old Mrs. Hubbard, and her dog.

(Submitted by Ieana, 4th August 2005)

To Whom it May Concern,

Recently I made an effort to write a letter of amorous intentions to someone that this conservative age may deem scandalous. Because of the sensitivity of this epistle, I felt the need to deliver this letter myself. Packing it in my green basket with yellow trim, which I usually use for carrying groceries and the like, I began the trek to the home of the object of my affection.

Unfortunately, before I could complete my journey, I was very rudely jostled and dropped my basket, at which point some urchin of a boy grabbed it from the street and placed my letter in his pocket. I ask you to find this theif with utmost speed, and can give a proper description upon demand.


Lady Agatha Tisket

(Submitted by Vance, 4th August 2005)

dear NCD

I have become recently very concerned at the apparent absence of my parents and therefore my ongoing aerial predicament. Including today, I have been stuck atop a tree in the garden for three weeks and two days. I hope this note, lowered in my bottle (which was empty of milk some time ago now) finds its way to you in time.

Of growing concern is the current spate of gusty weather we have been having shaking the bough I was left on some three weeks ago. Though the situation at present merely results in a gentle swaying motion of the crib in which I am living, I have grave concerns regarding the overall structural integrity ofsaid branch.Should the wind become any stronger, the bough is indeed likely to break. The final conclusion? Down I will come (cradle and all), at the whim of that cruel mistress, gravity.

For the moment my food situation isnot criticalthanks to the kindness of local birds, though the Diet of Worms is not sitting well on my infantile stomach.

Any assistance you can offer, ideally of the ladder variety would be greatly appreciated. The whereabouts of my parents we can discuss once on terra firma once more

Yours in anticipation

R K Abyebaby

(Submitted by Paul, 2nd August 2005)

To The NCD:

I am a certain Mr.EdouardSchwann, formerly known as "The Ugly Duckling". Firstly, I would like to stop being referred to as a "duckling", as I clearly wasn't one in the first place and would like my formal title to be switched to "TheMisunderstoodSignet".Secondly, Iwould like tolodge a formal complaint against my adoptive parents, the Ducks. Though I am no longer considered "ugly", I was treated most abominably by my two adoptive parents when I was a child. Verbal abuse, neglect, and even abandonment were the norm for me in my childhood, and, now that I am a young adult, these past traumas have given me low self-esteem, a severe lack of confidence, warped self-image, and troublesome psychological problems such as PTSD.I would like to claim child abuse and emotional damages, and hope that the NCD can offer me assistance in my search for justice. Thank you for your time.

Yours truly,

Mr. Edouard T.S.V.H.G.L.W. Schwann

(Submitted by Justine, 28th July 2005)

From an anonymous witness:

Mary said that the lamb followed her to school, but Ithere may beconnection to Bo Peep's missing sheep?

And what about Preston, of the famous Sheep Rustling caper solved by your detective, Grommit?

Preson may have violated the conditions of his house arrest, and Wendolynne may have again slipped into aiding and abetting a criminal.

This could be a scheme that may even reach beyond Reading's jurisdiction.

For your consideration....

(Submitted by Kathryn, 24th July 2005)

Recently, I lost my pocket which contained a penny--my life savings. It was returned to me by Kitty Fisher, but the penny was gone. Instead, a ribbon was tied round the pocket.

Lucy Locket

(Submitted by Nikki, 19th July 2005)


Yesterday a goose approached me, urging me to convert to his faith and pray to his God. When I refused, as I am already a happy member of a church, he grew angry. He took me by the left leg and threw me down a flight of stairs. As a result of this tumble, I broke my right hip, and am now bed-ridden, preventing me from earning a living for my elderly wife and myself. I demand the goose be brought to justice immediately for this assault.

Elderly Man

(Submitted by Nikki, 19th July 2005)

To Whom it May Concern,

Recently I was bringing home milk, having visited a neighboring farm to get it, and witnessed Little Johnny Green putting a poor helpless barncat in a well with the intention of drowning her. I was able to rescue the cat, which I have taken to my home to protect her. The cat has never been malicious--except to barn mice--and Little Johnny Green had no reason to try and murder the animal. Action against Little Johnny Green should be taken immediately to prevent future violent acts against animals.


Little Tommy Stout

(Submitted by Nikki, 19th July 2005)

To whom it may concern,

I am uncertain whether to be alarmed or just extremely vexed. My son, against my express wishes, trespassed at our neighbor's yesterday. This neighbor is the very man whom, you may recall, you prosecuted some years ago in my husband's death. He served the minimum time for pie-making, and is now back, apparently under house arrest. Upon discovering my son, Mr. MacGregor pursued him despite the ankle bracelet. In his desperate attempt to escape the madman, my son lost both shoes and a very expensive coat. Friends have spotted these clothes arranged as a scarecrow.

Does this not constitute a parole violation for Mr. MacGregor? Could his garden not be considered an attractive nuisance-is he liable for damages? I feel he is a dangerous character, and one likely to re-offend. In addition, do I have any recourse as to my son's personal property?

Our family, and indeed, our other neighbors, have grown increasingly alarmed about Mr. MacGregor's instability. It is a great hardship for a single mother of a large family, but if I do not hear a response from you this week, I will have no recourse but to contact my solicitors, Dewey, Cheetham & Howe. I think our local police should have some responsibility to protect our citizens from this kind of barbarity.

Mrs. Rabbit


My name is Poll Parrot and a mouse has stolen my house! I don't know how it happened, I was sitting in my garret just eating toast and tea!

Please help!

Poll Parrot

To Whom it May Concern,

Recently I was bringing home milk, having visited a neighboring farm to get it, and witnessed Little Johnny Green putting a poor helpless barncat in a well with the intention of drowning her. I was able to rescue the cat, which I have taken to my home to protect her. The cat has never been malicious-except to barn mice-and Little Johnny Green had no reason to try and murder the animal. Action against Little Johnny Green should be taken immediately to prevent future violent acts against animals.


Little Tommy Stout


Yesterday a goose approached me, urging me to convert to his faith and pray to his God. When I refused, as I am already a happy member of a church, he grew angry. He took me by the left leg and threw me down a flight of stairs. As a result of this tumble, I broke my right hip, and am now bed-ridden, preventing me from earning a living for my elderly wife and myself. I demand the goose be brought to justice immediately for this assault.

Elderly Man

Recently, I lost my pocket which contained a penny--my life savings. It was returned to me by Kitty Fisher, but the penny was gone. Instead, a ribbon was tied round the pocket.

Lucy Locket

I am a certain Mr. Edouard Schwann, formerly known as "The Ugly Duckling". Firstly, I would like to stop being referred to as a "duckling", as I clearly wasn't one in the first place and would like my formal title to be switched to "The Misunderstood Signet". Secondly, I would like to lodge a formal complaint against my adoptive parents, the Ducks. Though I am no longer considered "ugly", I was treated most abominably by my two adoptive parents when I was a child. Verbal abuse, neglect, and even abandonment were the norm for me in my childhood, and, now that I am a young adult, these past traumas have given me low self-esteem, a severe lack of confidence, warped self-image, and troublesome psychological problems such as PTSD. I would like to claim child abuse and emotional damages, and hope that the NCD can offer me assistance in my search for justice. Thank you for your time.

Yours truly,

Mr. Edouard T.S.V.H.G.L.W. Schwann

A crime is a crime whomever it concerns!

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