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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. 22nd Dec 2010.

Vince Cable to embrace 'Blandness' in bid to avoid lying or telling the truth

In what is regarded as another blow to British politics, Vince Cable yesterday renounced his attempts to work with constituents and other MPs to somehow improve matters, and will instead join the many other politicians in parliament who have come to the conclusion that mumbling ambiguity is the best way forward for a long and trouble-free career.

"It's very difficult," said Mr Cable yesterday, speaking before he had taken the 'Oath of Blandness', "but you are castigated quite rightly for lies, mistruths or even in the case of tuition fees, sticky policy points outside one's control. The trouble is that telling the truth about Murdoch's desire for a Berlusconi-style media stranglehold over the UK lands me in just as much trouble. "

Mr Cable joins many other MPs who when confronted with a simple yes or no question will avoid speaking their mind and instead revert to a career-saving: 'I cannot conjecturise with any certainty at this moment in time' or the more long-winded: 'The facts in this delicate matter are still much disputed, and while I would like to give an opinion on this matter, more research and discussion need to be undertaken before we are at a point where policy might be decided."

Josh Hatchett, reporting for The Toad.

Vince Cable

Parliament, sadly, not just about serving the populace

Also inside your Toad:

Daily Telegraph does British voters huge disservice by pretending to be constituents, thus creating an atmosphere in which all talk between MPs and voters will have to be guarded.

Economy may be chaotic, mathematician reveals.

"Because of this, any, all or no plan at all may lead to recovery or not," said a top mathematician yesterday, "Like the weather, the economy is too complex for us to have any hope at control. The economy may collapse or rise on something as mundane as eight-year-old Tommy Wilks' decision to spend or save his pocket money this week. It's the butterfly wing thing, but with a packet of Chewits." Asked if we could do anything, the top mathematician replied that the economy will doubtless recover 'because we need it to'.
"The lack of control does seem somewhat dismaying," proclaimed the exchequer in a robust defence of being seen to do something, "but we'll carry on with our fantastically precise but probably pointless plans regardless."

Lack of representation by minorities in Parliament unlikely to be tackled until 'we do a bit better than having only 143 women MPs to the 506 men.'

Pointless statistic recently released shows that if Britain had the population density of Australia, it would have only 686,000 people. If this were reversed, Australia would have two billion.

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