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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. 13th Dec 2010.

Duchess of Cornwall poked with stick

The British newspaper industry breathed a collective sigh of relief this morning when it realised that by a stroke of good fortune they could view the recent university fee disturbances through the useful lens of celebrity-related stories.

"It's a weight off my back, I must say," said a journalist who does not wish to be named, "there's nothing like the involvement of a celebrity to pep up a story - or become the story."

The two incidents dominating the headlines was an altercation with the Royal convoy and a crass act perpetuated by the adopted son of a popular musician, both of which will prove to run and run, thus leaving the wider implications of the current government's fiscal policy unobserved, unreported and mostly forgotten.

But it wasn't just the newspaper industry who were relieved.

"We were actually very worried we'd get no coverage at all," said a student leader today, "after the negotiations with Nigel Havers broke down for a cameo appearance posing between a bonfire and a police horse in parliament square, we were worried that the disturbances would be relegated to second page news after the finals of The X factor on Sunday. But thanks to Camilla and Gilmour, we're front page."

It is reported that protest organisers are negotiating for eighties singing sensation Terence Trent D'arby to bite a policeman on the ankle during the next protest. Mr Trent D'arby's agent commented that: 'Terence is delighted to do this gig. We just need to talk numbers'.

Josh Hatchett, reporting for The Toad.


One of the more pleasant members of 'The Firm'.

Jimmy Wales

Charlie Gilmour. Not actually a celebrity at all - just a student.
He apologised profusely. Story over.

Also inside your Toad:

Even staunch republicans condemn attack upon lady while engaged on charity work

Police admit Prince Charles being poked with stick 'worse case scenario'

Anti-stick training given to Royal Protection Group

'Possession of stick' now carries mandatory five year prison term

Author so totally doesn't give a stuff who won X Factor - more details page seven

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