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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. 22nd Jan 2012

Quality Street Chocolates
downgraded by
Trading Standards Authority

320M was wiped off Nestle's value yesterday when the food giant lost a high court battle with the Trading Standards Authority over the mandatory downgrading of the company's flagship chocolate assortment. The decision, made after ten years of legal wranglings estimated to have cost the corporation over 10M, will have far-reaching consequences in the lucrative 'Not that good' chocolate market, and may require other confectioners to be more honest with their advertising.

"It was a hard decision to make," said an unnamed Trading Standard Authority official yesterday, "because the purple squeaky one and the green triangle are actually quite good, and the orange cup thing and domed one in the gold wrapper were, while not as good as the first two, at least worth rummaging in the tin for. However, the rest of the tin let us down badly, and unless you're into toffees - which none of us were - then the rest aren't really much good. And the strawberry one is actually quite nasty. We think we were right to downgrade them."

"Naturally we were very disappointed," said a spokesman for Nestle, "and although we disagree with the TSA's decision - especially regarding the toffee one covered in chocolate, which is actually one of my favourites - we have agreed to the downgrade as a temporary measure. We aim to increase the yumminess of the assortment by perhaps removing a toffee or two, axing the strawberry cream, and perhaps adding more purple squeaky ones, which we agree are very good indeed."

The new name for Quality Street was the subject of much fevered negotiation, and a late application from Cadbury's halted the adoption of Nestle's favoured Better than Roses Street. After also rejecting Okay Street and Good enough for Aunt Nora Street, they finally settled on Adequate Street, a name that Nestle finally admitted 'more suits the quality of the assortment"

This is not the first time Trading Standards Authorities have been accused of an overzealous use of their powers. Norman Cook was compelled to change his name from 'Fat Boy Slim' when the TSA decided that he was too young to be a boy, and that the 'fat' and 'slim' were inaccurate and contradictory.

Josh Hatchett reporting The Toad
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The new-look Quality Street logo

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What Nestle wanted it to be called

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