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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. 15th Jan 2012

32-ton Hedgehog 'with grudge'
sought after spate of car flattening

Police were last night seeking a large hedgehog with an apparent grudge after a spree of car flattening in West Wales over the weekend left twenty-six dead and another four in a critical condition.

Detective Inspector Williams of Dyfed Police, who is leading the hunt, said the force were 'using all the resources at their disposal' to bring the culprit to justice.

The fifteen flattenings all occurred during a four day period over the weekend, and it was at first thought to be the work of hooligans, but forensic teams have recovered a large number of spines which indicate that a hedgehog might be involved, and one of considerable size: analysis of the wreckage suggests that the hedgehog might weigh in excess of thirty tons, and capable of 'at least' 70MPH.

"Witness statements are at present unclear," said D.I. Williams to a packed news conference yesterday, "but we do know the attacks were utterly callous and without warning. One moment peaceful law-abiding citizens were ambling along the road, and the next instant they'd been flattened. They never knew what hit them. Such attacks are cowardly in the extreme."

The european hedgehog, or Erinaceus europaeus, usually weighs no more than 2lbs, so leading hedgehog experts were yesterday baffled that there could be a 32-ton hedgehog loose in West Wales. Criminal Psychologists were also consulted about the spate of flattenings, and have advised police that the pattern of killing could not be attributed simply to a 'rogue' hedgehog, but one with a deliberate grudge against humans.

"What that grudge might be," said Dr Quatt yesterday, "we have no idea."

There has been an uneasy silence around Cardigan last week, as citizens refrain from using their cars, but the police have decided to be proactive in the search for the culprit.

"We are searching large piles of leaves all across the county," said D.I. Williams this morning, "and police helicopters looking for very large cardboard boxes, and upturned buckets. We have even laid out large piles of soggy bread and milk in the mistaken belief that this is what hedgehogs like to eat."

DI Williams then added: "I'd also like to send this personal message to Hedgezilla: 'You can walk - quite cutely, in fact - but you can't hide'."

Josh Hatchett reporting The Toad
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A flattened car near Newcastle Emlyn (Reuters)

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'A terrifying ordeal' near Cardigan (AP)

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Wanted for questioning yesterday (Wikimedia Commons)

Also in the News:

Spate of Bad Puns accompany closure of Millets
The collapse of Black's Leisure Group yesterday and the possible buy-out by J D sports led to a large quantity of puns yesterday, beginning with Bocking's 'Now is the Winter of our Discount Tents' and then moved swiftly on to the fact that negotiations were tense and there was no grain of truth that Millets will probably be sold for chickenfeed.

HS2 Rail Project aims to 'tunnel under' rich people.
The organisers of the controversial HS-2 High Speed rail link launched an audacious plan to tunnel under complaining rich people and highly placed Tories with nice homes in the Cotswolds, it was revealed yesterday. Poor people or those of no consequence could 'go fuck themselves'. The 32Bn infrastructure project is aiming to bring Britain's trains up to the level of 1980's Europe by at least 2025.

David Hockney insults Damien Hirst, then doesn't.
Leading artist David Hockney took a serious swipe at Hirst for not doing his own work, then didn't, it was claimed yesterday.
     "Yes, well he did say he thought all artists should undertake their own work,' said a Royal Academy spokesperson yesterday, "but then he didn't say it."
     When asked whether he did or he didn't, the spokesman replied:
     "This is one of those 'I was taken out of context' things, where you can retract statements in a mealymouthed way and pretend you never said or meant it when you did."
     When asked if he was suggesting that David Hockney was mealymouthed, the same spokesperson said that her own words had now been 'taken out of context' and that she never said that anyone was mealymouthed, least of all David Hockney.
     Damien Hirst was asked for his opinion, but was busy being pickled in a large tank by a group of assistants, and was unavailable for comment.

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