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That was the stark warning issued to the government yesterday when Professor Jamison, renowned statistician and nutball, gave his long-awaited report into the danger of creating too many rememberance silences.

"I know six or seven two-minute respectful absences of speech at noteworthy events every year might not seem like much," said the professor yesterday, "but an increase in as little as three extra silences a decade could result in a 24-hour speech-free zone by the year 8764."

Asked to comment further on his theory of a literal 'dumbing down' of the population, Jamison added that even by as early as 5612 we would only be able to converse for less than an hour a day. "I've looked into the future," claimed Jamison, "and it's Trappist."

Josh Hatchett, reporting for The Toad, London

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Future may be Silent, Claims Scientist
That was the stark warning issued to the government yesterday when Professor Jamison, renowned statistician and nutball, gave his long-awaited report into the danger of creating too many rememberance silences. "I know six or seven two-minute respectful absences of speech at noteworthy events every year might not seem like much," said the professor yesterday, "but an increase in as little as three extra silences a decade could result in a 24-hour speech-free zone by the year 8764." Asked to comment further on his theory of a literal 'dumbing down' of the population, Jamison added that even by as early as 5612 we would only be able to converse for less than an hour a day. "I've looked into the future," claimed Jamison, "and it's Trappist." *Josh Hatchett, reporting for The Toad,* London**	The future yesterday


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