Maybe I didn't have enough to do one afternoon, but here is the text of a letter I sent to Burton's, the manufacturers of Wagon Wheels biscuits:

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Dear Sir/Madam

I like wagon Wheels and I've been eating them a lot recently as they've been on Special Offer in many places (tight-fisted, me ?). However, last night, while enjoying one of your excellent products as a late-night snack, I decided to take a closer look at the exciting scene depicted on the front of the wrapper. I was horror-struck !

Unlikely as it seems, I am a Western novelist, with nine titles in print, four also in large-print editions and readily available from your local library network. When I was writing about my masterpiece of honour and greed, "Hyde's Honour", for my website, I included my thoughts on the excellent cover. My particular point was that the artist actually knew what a saddle and bridle looked like, unlike a lot of cover artists, especially those working in the fantasy genre.

Perhaps you can anticipate how I felt when I took that closer look at the picture on the wrapper. As usual, the noseband of the bridle is connected directly to the cheekpieces at the nose, instead of attaching to straps that buckle to the cheekpieces about level with the eyes. The throatlashs are fastened tightly enough to strangle the poor horses. Neither bridle seems to have an earpiece, the strap that goes behind the horse's ears and stops the whole bridle from falling off. the collars must have been made for much larger horses as they don't sit around the base of the neck, where the horse can lean into them, but lie around the horses' shoulders, where they would interfere with free use of the forelegs and prevent the horses from using their strength effieciently.

As for the wagon, the wheels appear to be attached directly to the sides of the body, rather than to axles. Comfort of the driver seems to have been low on the list of priorities, since there is no seat. Quite how and where the horses are attached to the speeding wagon is a bit of a mystery, as neither shafts nor pole seem to be present. Perhaps the driver has nailed himself to the floor of the wagon and the horses are pulling the wagon with the reins. Still, at least the cowboy is a bit of a dish, even if I'd never buy a horse built like either of those two, except for dogmeat. Or catmeat, but I don't have a freezer and Skiffle and Diesel couldn't possibly eat that much horsemeat before it went off. It's traditional to offer dead horses to the local Hunt, but I don't have the phone number of mine. One doubts whether they advertize in the Yellow Pages.

Enough of this rambling. To summarize:
1) Great biscuit
2) Sack your artist

Here's a thought. I write Westerns and you sell 'Wagon Wheels'. I've got great legs and contact lens and no problems that a good make-up artist can't fix. I can sing too (honest). Think of the sponsorship/tie-in possibilities ! Well, it *was* just a thought

Hugs

Gillian F Taylor


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I showed the letter to some friends, who all exclaimed that it would be pinned up and passed around the Burton's office for everyone to giggle at. My thought was that working in the customer relations department of a biscuit factory probably isn't that thrilling, and if I've brightened someone's day by sending in a silly letter, so much the better.
This is the reply I got

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Dear Ms Taylor

Thank you very much for your informative letter that we read with much interest.

We are pleased to hear that you think our Wagon Wheels are great (glad we got something right), but as to your suggestion on sacking the artist - we imagine he is long dead by now (possibly run over by the speeding wagon). We will, however, pass your comments on the to appropriate department for their information

Once again, thank you for writing to us we are always delighted to hear our customers comments and suggestions.

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So, do you think I made their day ?

Heh heh - absolutely! You've made my day, anyway!



:--

Do something pretty while you can...

LOL :-)

Hysterical!

Oh Skiffle, only you....


BTW, that probably has been photocopied, passed through the local office, faxed to the neighboring offices and probably posted on the company's intranet or in the employee newsletter

LOL, Skiffle, you'd have made my day for sure! Now I have to check out the picture...anyone got a photo?


-Currer Bell



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Revolt! Revolt! No matter why or when,
It's novelty--old novelty again.

Very funny :-)

Burtons should sack the person in the reply department for having a sense of humour!

I've never looked that closely at Wagon Wheel wrappers before, too busy tearing it off to eat them.

Is it my imagination or have Wagon Wheels got smaller over the years?

That is a touch of genius.

LOL , that was brilliant!

But I'm slightly worried by one thing; you like the biscuits? They are included in our council's junior school bagged lunches and are generally considered a bit of a swizz, being 60% air and 30% crumbs, the remaining ten per cent being chocolate substitute wiped on and then wiped off and some gelatinous goo in the middle. In the lunches you also get two cheese sandwiches and a square juice. No one ever wants to trade. It really takes the shine off a school trip when you have to eat a Wagon Wheel.

Very funny - can't stand WWs myself however but remember laughing very much at the French and Saunders sketch of two schoolgirls in the playground. Saunders has a WW and French is sidling up to her very slowly. With each step that French takes, Saunders takes another nibble at the WW but French is gaining on Saunders faster than the latter can nibble.

So at the moment that French reaches her, Saunders crams the whole thing into her mouth!

Okay so it loses something in the re-telling but still makes me laugh!

I used to love wagon wheels but hadn't had one for years. Then I had one a few weeks ago and was nearly sick form all the sugar! How I had ever used to eat them I will never know. They are hideously sweet! I think I'll stick to something less sugary from now on. Like golden syrup.

BTW, Skiffle, if you actually spend that much time looking at a chocolate bar wrapper, you may need to Get A Life.

Just some friendly advice.

If only I knew who you were you 6 months ago when my Sarah was doing her 'Wild West' project for history!

My own fault for lapsing away from the site I suppose.

Oh, good first name too! (The only time I was ever called it is when my mum told me off)

I've never seen a Wagon Wheel biscuit label. Is it posted on any web site so that we can see what you're referring to?

Skiffle,

That brightened up my day for sure. Sort of reminded me of a letter I penned to a particular high street store that does a sideline in food.

Whenever I go into this shop which is quite often I get angry at the amount of convenience food that they have on display, which I'm told saves time.

I'm not talking about microwave meals and the such like which without folks like me with absolutely very little culinary skill cook for ourselves, and save time, but the absurd things like grated cheese, washed vegetables etc. which will save you time.

The whole marketing concept of these products is that you save time. How much time can one save?! I fear if I stay in the shop too ling I'll meet myself on the way out going in a school uniform!!!

Anyway, my letter concerned my revolutionary idea for convenience food. Cut out the the middle man. Basically, it was a turd on a plastic tray; heat it in the microwave to body temperature and flush down loo. Saves time!

I never did get a reply, probably just as well. Then there was that time I rang Cambridge wanting to do a docterate and they asked me to them my thesis. I did this once a week for three months before realising I'd misheard.....

Sorry for lowering the tone.



A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.