A friend just sent me this, and it made me laugh, so I thought I'd share it with you lot.

Mind you, I am a bit of a sucker for bad jokes . . .

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A piece of black tarmac went into a pub, threw his weight around a bit,
pushing and shoving people, then went up to the bar and had a drink.

He did this every night for a while, and people learned to keep their
distance.

One night, after his usual routine, the piece of black tarmac was having his
drink when in walked a piece of red tarmac. The piece of black tarmac dived
for cover under a table and didn't come out until the piece of red tarmac
had left. Then he returned to the bar.

The landlord asked: 'What was all that about? You're a tough fellow - why
did you hide under the table when the piece of red tarmac came in?

'I'm not messing with him,' he said. 'He's a bit of a cycle path!'



Jesus saves; Buddha does incremental backup.

The following day, a Mars bar and a jelly baby were in the same pub. In walked a packet of Skittles and started throwing its weight around.

The jelly baby hid behind a table but the mars bar walked up to the packet of skittles and duffed it up. The jelly baby was really impressed with this.

A few moments later a packet of Maltesers came in and started making trouble. The jelly baby hid behind the table but the Mars bar gave the Maltesers a right seeing to.

The jelly baby was feeling safer by the minute. Just then, a packet of Tunes walked in and quietly ordered a pint then started walking towards the Mars bar and the jelly baby.

The Mars bar got up and started running out of the pub, dragging the jelly baby along.

“What’s the problem?” asked the jelly baby. The Mars bar replied, “I’m getting out of here, those Tunes are menthol”

KT: That's the one ! I knew the cycle path joke had a 'twin' but couldn't remember it.

So, this chap goes into a pub in County Durham, and he's chatting with the barman when in walks a man with a cauliflower ear and a flat head.

"Funny looking bloke," observes the first man.

"Here, don't you start callng him," the barman said. "He's a local hero, you know. When there was a cave-in at the local pit, that lad stood there holding up the tunnel roof with his head, like a human pit-prop, and allowed everybody to get out of the mine safely."

"Well, that explains the flat head. How did he get the cauliflower ear?"

"Way, that was where they hammered him, to wedge him in, like."



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I am very interested in the Universe. I am specialising in the Universe and everything surrounding it. - E. L. Wisty

I think you'll find I told both of those a few months ago on a different thread - slightly different but with the same punchlines.

However, if you want a bad joke

Divert any eyes under the age of 18......

Two nuns were walking through the woods when they saw an injured skunk.

Sister Mary: Poor little thing! I must take it back to the nunnery and nurse it back to health

Sister Mercy: You can't, the Mother Superior doesn't allow us to keep pets

Sister Mary: I'll smuggle it in, in my knickers

Sister Mercy: What about the smell?

Sister Mary: If it dies, it dies


I never said it was in good taste

ugh, Gill!! That was a bad one...funny, but bad!

Sorry

Pod! I'm surprised at you! Hee!

Over on the forum I'm somewhat mysteriously seen as a "great panjandrum" type figure, they started a jokes thread a year or so ago. It was sensibly split into two parts: clean, and not so clean. The latter carried a warning so that anyone "accidentally" stumbling into it couldn't complain too much!

Needless to say there's currently 2 pages of clean jokes... and 15 of the not so clean ones LOL

Here's one of the cleaner ones...

(I should add that rude words are automatically asterisked out over on that forum - and "work" is considered a rude word.... heh)

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from wo*k," the
daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying
there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

My cleanest dirty joke:- Some caution advised.

Man walks into a pub, obviously very upset, orders a whisky, downs it in one and orders another.

The barman serves him then says, if you don't mind me saying so sir you look like you've got something on your mind, can I help.

The man downs the second whisky and asks the barman for a refill and then says to him, "I came home from work early today and found my wife making love to my best friend on our bed, I just can't believe it."

The barman sympathises, "what did you do?"

"I've packed her bags and thrown her out" the man tells him, "she begged and pleaded with me to give her another chance but I told her I can't trust her anymore, we're finished."

The barman nodded wisely, "and what about your best friend?"

The man shook his head sadly, "I looked him straight in the eyes and said, you bad dog!"

E-mail me by noon on Saturday (our time, which is an hour behind Fforum time) if you'd like to hear a joke about the Pope which is perfectly clean but far too long to go on the Fforum.



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That which does not kill us makes us stranger.
(Llewelyn the dragon, Ozy and Millie)

Sarah

Holly - there's a similar one to that...

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Three dogs are in the waiting room at the vets. They start talking about why they're there. The first says "I can't believe it. They teach me to keep intruders away, so this bloke comes up the driveway with a big bag full of stuff, so I run up and bite his arm off. I'm going to be put down now. Buggers never told me about postmen, did they?"

Second dog says - "Well, at least it was someone outside the family. I went into the kitchen and saw my masters wife with her back to me, and my instincts kicked in. I rushed up behind her and bit her leg. I'm being put down too."

"I'm in a similar situation," says the third dog. "I just couldn't help my instincts."

"Why? What happened?" asks the first dog.

"Well, I was padding around the house and i went upstairs just in time to see my mistress bending over the bath, stark-bollock naked. Well, I did what any red-blooded dog would do - I rushed in and gave her a good seeing to."

"So you're being put down too, huh?" says the second dog.

"Oh, no. She wants my nails clipped."



Post Edited (07-18-03 00:49)

PSD

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This is the work of an Italian narco-anarchic collective. Don't bother insulting them, they can't read English anyway.

ok, thesejokes were officially declared the funniest (clean ones) ever... so they shouldn't be here but...

Number 2:
Sherlock and Watson are out camping. after putting there tent up and cooking a meal over an open fire they go to bed. After a little while Sherlock says" watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce"
"Well Holmes, I look up at the countless stars and deduce there must be planets around many of them... some even like ours. And on a few of these planets intelligent life must have developed and be looking back at us now, wondering."
Sherlock considered this for a moment.
"Watson you idiot. Someones Stolen our tent."

And the Winner:
emergancy services phoneline transcript:
John: umm you gotta help me... my friend, we were out hunting and we got attacked by a bear. He's not moving.
Operator: is he dead?
John: I dunno... there was a lot of blood he looked pretty bad.
Operator: well you'd better go and make sure
*There is the sound of the phone being put down and, a few seconds later, a loud gunshot.*
John: OK, he's dead now, what next?

Rob, note jokes origonally appeared in a different and much funnier form elsewhere

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That statement is either so deep it would take a lifetime to fully comprehend every particle of its meaning, or it is a load of absolute tosh. Which is it, I wonder?
Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

I was going to ask someone to post those two.

Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick

A dog walks into a Post Office, and somehow gets hold of a telegram. On it he writes "Arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf."

The man at the counter says "We have a discount if you write more then ten words."

The dog replies "I know, but that wouldn't make any sense."


This isn't really a joke, but I bet you can't say Toy Boat really quickly five times!



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Those who forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

Did you hear about the dyslexic, amnesiac, agnostic??

He lies awake all night wondering if there's a dog.

J.

In very bad taste my very curvaceous friend claims to be an amnesiac bulimic - she says she binges but forgets to make herself sick.

Bosnian Vowel Movement
Before an emergency joint session of Congress, President Bush announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia.

The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A, E, I, O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.

"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," President Bush said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say ‘Enough.’ It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour."

The deployment, dubbed "Operation Alphabet Soup" by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 boxes of vowels will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities. Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels.

"My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Bush, please send my poor, wretched family just one ‘E.’ Please."

Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L’s, S’s and T’s. The consonant-relief
effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting war-lords....

So, this man walks into a bar, and he's got a head shaped exactly like an orange. Spherical, dimpled, bald, small star-shaped stalk protuding from the top. Head-sized, though, which is lucky. And the barman says...

"I say, my good fellow, I couldn't help remarking that your head is the exact shape of an orange. And I was wondering why this might be so."

And the man replies...

"Well, there's a story behind that. You see, a couple of months ago I was up in my gran's attic, cleaning out her old junk, and I found this oil lamp. It was a bit dusty, so I thought I'd give it a bit of a wiping, and to my surprise a genie floated out of the end and said 'O master, for freeing me from the lamp you may have three wishes.'
"So for my first wish, I wished I was rich. Not ridiculously rich, but y'know, rich enough that I wouldn't ever have to work again. And sure enough, when I nipped out to check my bank balance later on, I found I had enough money in there to keep me going for decades. Told my boss where to stick it after that, I can tell you!
"For my second wish, I wished for long life and happiness. And the genie gave me this warranty certificate, guaranteeing me good health barring accidents up to the age of 110, and the insurance companies can't get enough of me.
"And for my third wish, I wished I had a head the shape of an orange."



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"Whisky-wa-wa," I breathed - she was dressed as Biffo the Bear.

Surely that should be a dyslexic, insomniac, agnostic? An amnesiac one wouldn't stay awake all night, he'd simply not remember if there was a dog or not.

Yeah, you're right, I messed it up - i'm rubbish at telling jokes!

I'm sure Ptolemy's Bosnian Vowel Movement is from the Onion - there was a very similar piece about Pres Clinton on there a couple of years ago?

J.

A blond walks into a curtain shop and asks the assistant for a pair of pink curtains to fit her computer screen.

"But Miss," says the assistant. "This is a computer shop."

"Duh, Hellooooo," replies the Blonde. "I have Windows!"