And the 'You really couldn't make it up' award goes to...
Posted by:
Jazz_Sue (212.85.12.---)
Date: January 10, 2008 07:44PM
Okay, I know I've not typed up the policewoman/polo pony story yet but this has to be quick, okay? Just been watching the news, and believe it or not there is a 'Beckham football academy' in London. Yep, as in David Beckham, the ffootballer who loved buying clothes so much he married a wire coathanger. Sterling work, I'm sure, and probably a very worthwhile educational establishment for the young to be aiming for, seeing as how the GCSE pass rates shift from 60% (and rising) to 40% (and falling) the moment you add English and Math to the mix in London Schools. It must have a pretty small governing board, though - chances are, David holds all the positions from Dean downwards (Which is a pretty poor lead to a pretty weak joke. Smallest book in the World? The thoughts of Chairman Beckham)
But it got me thinking about news stories in general - they're getting more and more FFordian. Not only that, but you often see a curious connection between seemingly independant reports (perhaps the editors arrange them this way) and my mind is whizzing round with the possibilities for literary satire as a result. The trouble is, I've got a pretty sick mind at times. I see nothing humerous about the suffering of animals or kiddies, or indeed anything involving human tragedy whether it be local or on a global scale, don't worry; all the same, one day day I'm going to go too far, I know it ...
(Takes deep breath - sicko story coming up)
Tragic story No 1: (and no, I do not make these things up but if you've recently had a bereavement you may want to turn the page) Two days ago, the Mail reported that British crematoria have worked out a way to save energy and keep their grieving mourners warm at the same time. How? Simple really. When Great Uncle Fred has breathed his last, and is being, er, reduced to ashes, don't let all that heat go straight up the chimney! No, now we can capture the energy produced by Fred's departure and use it to keep the place warm. Save a fortune on heating bills and aid the fight against global warming at the same time. Think about it: nice hot radiators instead of the luke warm ones we're all used to; hot water in the toilets. Why, we can even toast Fred's health with a nice hot cup of tea! And a curiously green coloured biscuit, no doubt, for the ones who decided they'd prefer to see their relatives buried, instead ...
Tragic Story No2: Same day, next page. This IS tragic, because a lovely Sri Lankan couple came here on a visa, both got work at the same hospital. The young wife promptly got very very ill, and was treated (I use the word lightly) at the same hospital she was working at. Naturally, she expected to recover and carry on working. Naturally, she died as a result. Which was bad enough except ... wait for it ... her husband is now facing deportation because, yes, his wife is now no longer working and thus he no longer obeys the conditions of his entry visa.
Now this is disgusting, grossly unfair as are all our immigration laws when said immigrants have obeyed every rule in the book, rather than sneaked in without paying. And upsetting too, she was only young.
But then it happened. That horrid whirring sound that means my brain has Made The Connection and I'm about to have a Devilish thought as a result.
The grieving widower's final statement was, 'The moment my wife's funeral is over, I'll be deported. Just because I'll have a wife who no longer works!'
Bzzzzt ...(cht-cht-cht-)... Bzzzzzt ...
Yeah but, wait a moment. Surely there's a way out of this. I mean, if you opted for cremation ... I mean, she'd be able to provide a fair few therms of ... I'll get my coat.