Okay, I know I've not typed up the policewoman/polo pony story yet but this has to be quick, okay? Just been watching the news, and believe it or not there is a 'Beckham football academy' in London. Yep, as in David Beckham, the ffootballer who loved buying clothes so much he married a wire coathanger. Sterling work, I'm sure, and probably a very worthwhile educational establishment for the young to be aiming for, seeing as how the GCSE pass rates shift from 60% (and rising) to 40% (and falling) the moment you add English and Math to the mix in London Schools. It must have a pretty small governing board, though - chances are, David holds all the positions from Dean downwards (Which is a pretty poor lead to a pretty weak joke. Smallest book in the World? The thoughts of Chairman Beckham)
But it got me thinking about news stories in general - they're getting more and more FFordian. Not only that, but you often see a curious connection between seemingly independant reports (perhaps the editors arrange them this way) and my mind is whizzing round with the possibilities for literary satire as a result. The trouble is, I've got a pretty sick mind at times. I see nothing humerous about the suffering of animals or kiddies, or indeed anything involving human tragedy whether it be local or on a global scale, don't worry; all the same, one day day I'm going to go too far, I know it ...

(Takes deep breath - sicko story coming up)
Tragic story No 1: (and no, I do not make these things up but if you've recently had a bereavement you may want to turn the page) Two days ago, the Mail reported that British crematoria have worked out a way to save energy and keep their grieving mourners warm at the same time. How? Simple really. When Great Uncle Fred has breathed his last, and is being, er, reduced to ashes, don't let all that heat go straight up the chimney! No, now we can capture the energy produced by Fred's departure and use it to keep the place warm. Save a fortune on heating bills and aid the fight against global warming at the same time. Think about it: nice hot radiators instead of the luke warm ones we're all used to; hot water in the toilets. Why, we can even toast Fred's health with a nice hot cup of tea! And a curiously green coloured biscuit, no doubt, for the ones who decided they'd prefer to see their relatives buried, instead ...

Tragic Story No2: Same day, next page. This IS tragic, because a lovely Sri Lankan couple came here on a visa, both got work at the same hospital. The young wife promptly got very very ill, and was treated (I use the word lightly) at the same hospital she was working at. Naturally, she expected to recover and carry on working. Naturally, she died as a result. Which was bad enough except ... wait for it ... her husband is now facing deportation because, yes, his wife is now no longer working and thus he no longer obeys the conditions of his entry visa.

Now this is disgusting, grossly unfair as are all our immigration laws when said immigrants have obeyed every rule in the book, rather than sneaked in without paying. And upsetting too, she was only young.

But then it happened. That horrid whirring sound that means my brain has Made The Connection and I'm about to have a Devilish thought as a result.
The grieving widower's final statement was, 'The moment my wife's funeral is over, I'll be deported. Just because I'll have a wife who no longer works!'

Bzzzzt ...(cht-cht-cht-)... Bzzzzzt ...
Yeah but, wait a moment. Surely there's a way out of this. I mean, if you opted for cremation ... I mean, she'd be able to provide a fair few therms of ... I'll get my coat.

You're right! Sick! However, you are right, the stories nower days are becoming slightly surreal. You wonder where these stories will bein several years time? With the current debate on renuable energy - the nuclear controvosy... hang on, aren't they telling us that some grave yards are full, therefore we would need to set aside more land for graveyards... however there is a shortage of land for development without moving firthuer into the green belt....
!his could be the thin end of the wedge, two birds with one stone! In several decades humans will be a renuable energy source well at least a perpetuating one! You won't be able to be buried in the future as your remains will be earmarked for providing the energy to power the lights in the local Beckham (formerly known as school, but due to a major government sponsorship deal with Addidas or whoever sponsors Beckham all of them will have been renamed after the great educationalist and founding father of the fourth r - retail) so ground which would previously have been allocated for a cemetary will now be free for develpoment!

Far fetched I know but hey, it amused me for several minutes! Carry oon the good work Sue, in a world of forward planning (grimaces) all of the gentle comedy asides are greatly appreciated!

The first thing I thought when I read the crematorium bit was "Yes, that is a very practical idea. Good work."














Apparently I'm quite creepy.

The crematorium idea is a bit odd, but in truth it's fairly practical...which is why the Swedish already have it: [www.edie.net]

As for the news becoming more surreal/Ffordian/sounding themselves like satire: I've tried to forbid myself from doing satire, since it just seems to then happen (or indeed, have already happened)...

Anybody read DUNE? Just saying...

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My personal favourite in the 'surreal news story' category this week has to be the tale of the two chaps in the US, who tried to cash a social security cheque made out to a friend of theirs. The shop refused to cash the cheque without the payee being present ... as the payee had very recently passed away you'd think that the duo would give up on the idea - but No! Not letting the small matter of death stand in the way of a $355 payout, they went back to their shared flat, strapped the newly deceased friend to an office wheelie chair and pushed him down the road to the shop. Disappointingly, they were apprehended by a passing policeman before they could get the body into the shop. However, the two men were said to have expressed surprise when paramedics told them that their friend was dead. Quality.

Too bad they got caught. It would have been interesting to see what happened when they got to the shop--whether they would have been allowed to cash the check!

Back in the day my friend and I tried to cash her mom's Social Security check even though her mom was in jail. We were only 17. She faked her mom's signature and they caught us. It wasn't pretty. And all we were trying to do was pay the rent without having to shill out the bus+train fare to the jail and back...

Jazz_Sue it seems that a similar thing has happened in Swindon to a Phillipino couple. And it raises another interesting legal question. The Swindon Advertiser ran the story:

The husband and wife came to the UK and were allowed to stay in the country as long as the wife was employed, she found a job as a theatre nurse at Swindon's Great Western Hospital. While giving birth to her son she was administered a drug intraveneously that should have been given as an epidural - she died as a result. Once the inquest is over the husband will be deported - there is no mention of the son. Surely the son could be considered for UK citizenship by birth, wouldn't Dad be needed as a carer? The poor woman dying in the place where she helped save so many lives.

Is this a case of the "real" Swindon being even stranger than the Ffordian one?

Updated for stuffed-up url



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/15/2008 10:49AM by CannibalRabbit.

I'm glad you don't believe I'm making all this up! You don't have to, when you live in a town with a building called 'The Dome' ... that's a 30 storey tall bluddy rectangle.

Zendao, I've been waiting for stilsuits here in Oz for a couple of years.

That poor bugger in Swindon made the news over here too. Didn't think at the time of the surreal aspect of it. Was too distracted by the cruelty.

there have been a stack of those stories lately, mostly of English/British/Devilish administration. Remember the Gurkha with the VC who couldn't enter Britain for medical treatment because' you had to show that you had done something to benefit the UK'

A bloody VC of all things. Perhaps there should be a campaign to export all the bureaucrats who administer this sort of crap on the basis that they are of no use to the UK.

Just don't send them to us - we have our own lot of Stupidity surplus generators of our own.

there have been a stack of those stories lately, mostly of English/British/Devilish administration. Remember the Gurkha with the VC who couldn't enter Britain for medical treatment because' you had to show that you had done something to benefit the UK'

A bloody VC of all things. Perhaps there should be a campaign to export all the bureaucrats who administer this sort of crap on the basis that they are of no use to the UK.

Just don't send them to us - we have our own lot of Stupidity surplus generators of our own.

there have been a stack of those stories lately, mostly of English/British/Devilish administration. Remember the Gurkha with the VC who couldn't enter Britain for medical treatment because' you had to show that you had done something to benefit the UK'

A bloody VC of all things. Perhaps there should be a campaign to export all the bureaucrats who administer this sort of crap on the basis that they are of no use to the UK.

Just don't send them to us - we have our own lot of Stupidity surplus generators of our own.



... Sorry, but three looks neater than two.

Is there some indication of my faculties failing in the existence of the last posting?

Answer 'Yes' if agreed.

Answer 'No' to be wrong.

Another macabre story [www.news.com.au] really makes you wonder.

This man had been dead in his unit for 12 months while the phone and electricity companies disconnected him and the postman kept jamming letters and bills into his box, despite the fact that it had overflowed into quite a pile on the ground. The Dept of Housing doesn't seem to know if it follows its own rule of 6 monthly checks or not, and if it does, what its policy is was when an elderly tenant can't be contacted.

I like the comments by his employer that, "it had been some time since he worked at the factory" and by a workmate that, "a lot of the time he sort of kept to himself." Both true by definition I suppose.

<Edited to remove tasteless urban myth joke>



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/29/2008 11:48AM by Bonzai Kitten.

You yourself are a myth. Or hoax at least.

Hmmm.... Going to have to ask whether you are all real now....

__________________________________
'We're all mad here. I'm mad, you're mad." [said the Cat.]
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "Or you wouldn't have come here."
- Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures In Wonderland

Of course I'm not! Really, I'm a 65 year old man from Nebraska.
With a wooden leg.

…named Smith?